illusions. dreams. reverie. candy castles.

i have come to realize that...

2009-03-25T00:30:00.000+08:00

*grabbed from kat gozos and kurt lozano

I have come to realize that my heart... beats only for myself.

I have come to realize that when I talk... i SHOULD make people listen.

I have come to realize that, if I fall for someone... i fall hard.

I have come to realize that, I need... set my priorities straight.

I have come to realize that, I lost... trust in love. (wtf.)

I have come to realize that, I hate it when... people underestimate what i can do.

I have come to realize that, if I'm drunk... 1. i drink more, 2. i vomit. (my apologies) 3. there's a reason for being so.

I have come to realize that, marriage... is more than just "i do's" but "i forever will."

I have come to realize that, work... somehow defines your purpose.

I have come to realize that, I will always be... sleepy (?) hahaha

I have come to realize that, I like... it when i accomplish a task close to my passion.

I have come to realize that, the last time I cried was... last sunday.

I have come to realize that, my cell phone is... an alarm clock.

I have come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning... i have the worst hair ever.

I have come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night... i pray. even the simplest and shortest of all prayers.

I have come to realize that, right now I am thinking about... how to focus, how to maintain being outgoing, how to balance socializing with my studies and most of all, how to avoid facebook and multiply. :)

I have come to realize that, babies... are adorable. :D

I have come to realize that, when I get on Facebook...i can't get out.

I have come to realize that, today... is no more than ordinary.

I have come to realize that, tonight I will... UNWIND. and i believe i deserve to.

I have come to realize that, tomorrow I will... try to focus again on studying.

I have come to realize that, I really want to... be a lawyer.

I have come to realize that, working out... is what i seldom do. (kaya im fat)

I have come to realize that the perfect date would be... a dvd marathon plus popcorn and coke with him.:)

I have come to realize that, true friends... are true to themselves and true to you.

I have come to realize that love... is real when it's painful.

wish tambay's get to be paid

2009-03-11T17:01:00.000+08:00

have fever. my temp was 39 a while ago, good thing it dropped to like 37.6 at the moment.
i missed my orgchem lab makeup class because i felt terrible. though this morning i even managed to disobey my sister and still went to courtzone at u.n. for our cheerdance finals.

ironic, we hated that course, yet we won!
before that actually we (most of my teammates and i) were even planning to drop the subject. if it weren't for our other teammates who were positive at making it through and for missing the date of dropping, we would've done it. but anyway, it was successful and fun and surprising!! :))

does it mean that i should go on, because actually there's something good waiting for me at the end?

but for now, survey time first. i desperately need some diversion after being supersaturated with orgchem. argh.
(got this from thea, pharm)

So, why aren't you in love with your ex anymore?
- dude, i don't even have one! (official one hehehe)

When was the last time you had butterflies?
- surprisingly, only this morning. while we were positioned for our cheer dance presentation. hahaha ang funny!

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
- if by plans you meant acad plans or study plans, man! sobrang dami. kakabore na.

What do you currently hear right now?
- revv of our wall fan sa room. can't turn on the acu kasi i feel cold.

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
- kanina din after they watched our presentation. i kinda missed it! kasi two weeks ago, we never hung out that much unlike before and now that things are somehow back to normal, it is just relieving that there's no gap formed between. parang we missed each other pa nga talaga ng sobra kaya we had lots of kuwento with each other :)

Where will you be in an hour?
- dining table. studying the impossible orgchem notes.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
- rose bautista. she called me if i am still going.

Do you miss anyone?
- ALOT of people. but i already told one--him i miss him. hahah tapos he answered back saying na he'll go hang out with me soon. (supposedly tomorrow but thanks to my ORGCHEM lab, they'd rather not go na lang kasi they really want to hang out than just exchange hi's.) sayang nga naman kasi if they came all the way from diliman then wala lang diba. <3

Did you ever see the movie Pearl Harbor?
- OF COURSE! i have dvd pa! original :D

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
- cab driver? :))

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
- end of sem. summer. summer invitations :D more free time = MORE INOM :))

Are you wearing jeans right now?
- shorts! jeans are like JAIL for me and my troso legs :))

What's something you do when you're mad?
- first ten seconds, i try to keep quiet. my lips purse and my external nares (eff. bio?? HAHAHAHA) dilate :)) then pag nasagad na, i explode. i curse, most likely.
pero after non, wala namang aftershock, more like values and integration in my most preachy kind of voice. haha (parang minister lang e)
i dont get mad for the pinakamababaw reasons. pero kasi time is important to me. pag may mga ginagawa na nagsasayang lang ng oras, i get mad. kasi alam mo un, i could've done alot more things than waste my time with a bunch of tamad or reklamador people.

example of alot more things = SLEEP. :))

Did the person who hurt you the most apologize?
- No. don't think so. he won't let his ego be bruised.

Are you happy?
- to say absolutely would be preposterous. but to say yes, well i guess i think i have the right to be.

i am not totally happy. but im trying and i guess i am kahit papano happy pa rin. (labo no??)

What is the most random object around you?
- my highlighter sa sock bag ko. hekhek

Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
- not actually drink, eat na lang. hehe ==> halo halo from razon's or ice cream. ice cream!

Where is the next far off place you will travel?
- ewan ko. ayoko kasi ng nagpplan ng mga vacation na sobrang ahead of time kasi kadalasan un ung di natutuloy :))

Who was the last person or people you ate with?
- nina and loren :) love.

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
- water! hehe kakainom ko lang ng gamot e.

What's a happy time you've had in the past week?
- friday. election day. it was the day i felt more loved not only by people who supported but best of all by him :)
success kasi, kasi alam mo un he helped escape from the confines of college politics. and parang i felt na i was back to being a normal person, free of pressure but very enthusiastic of what i could contribute next :)

Do you like meeting new people?
- hell yea!
"New friends are social investments. Darating ang araw kakailanganin mo ang tulong nila." (Caguitla, 2009)

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
- sana wag ako mabinat sa cheer dance.

How's your heart lately?
- it's beating. and hoping that THIS TIME, it's gonna beat for the right reasons and the right person.

How do you feel about school?
- i tell most people, "sana pag gising ko iba na ang course ko. ok lang kung Arts pa siya ang importante ung nag-eexcel talaga ako." is it wrong to ask for something else?

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
- ADMU <3. PE shirt ni ate madie dati. malaki e.

Someone on your mind right now?
- hehe <3 secret.

i have learned of perfect timing. we're not into something serious right now. we dont send each other messages often (whether it be sms or chat). we barely see each other in a week. but when we contact each other, we make the most sincere gestures. he does, actually. and nahahawa tuloy ako. and it just feels good to hope na sana this time, this person won't hurt me anymore. the feeling of security not by defense or whatever but by sincerity.

When was the last time you cried?
- last night when my temperature was 39C. hay jusko.

What was the last movie or show you watched?
- dvd. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. it deserves the Oscars it won.

What's bothering you?
- my future. always had been.

Has today been a good day?
- rate na lang. another 7. more than okay but not nearly perfect.

Who did you last get into a fight with?
- my pe-mates, i think? wala stressed lang. di naman sila nagretaliate. ;))

Will this weekend be good?
- saturday, ciempre hindi kasi exam day na naman. that leaves sunday--> sana?

What are your plans?
- for the weekend? wala naman. MAKATULOG sana!

Would you rather be mad or sad?
- mad. kasi di ko kaya magtanim ng galit. e pag nagtanim ka ng sad, sad din ang fruits mo. so pangit lang.

When's your birthday?
- ehem! makinig. haha 25th of july.

Have you ever woken up next to someone and were freaked out?
- ate ko. kasi paggising ko ung itsura ng ate ko mukhang bangag. and ang funny funny mukha siyang mumu. hahah

Are you looking forward to anything?
- to summer. to rest. to INOM.

How many times do you talk on the phone a day on average?
- when i was in lipa, hay countless!
pero now that we dont have landline at our unit, less phone calls na. but usually, if i wanted sooner replies, i call people up than waste my tiem texting them. namppressure kasi ako :))

Do you usually have weird dreams?
- yes. from the freakiest to the wackiest.

Do you like your bed?
- i like my favorite pillow! :D

What color is your keyboard?
- silver. kapartner nya ung pink casing.

Who are you very disappointed in right now?
- can't tell. that person is so sensitive. parang bata. kaya kakadisappoint.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
- yup. felt better than wearing mine! hhahah

How long does it take you to shower?
- tagal. shortest na ang 20min. :))

Is the last person you hugged older than you?
- same age. <3

Last night, did you fall asleep smiling?
- i fell asleep. with my mouth open. :0

Have you lived in a big city?
- if by big you meant big buildings, hello makati. pero if by big you meant very progressive, city from first world country, then no. :)

Does your family own a business?
- yep. mejo dami.

Is a best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend or ex pissing you off at the moment?
- if there's another thing i have learned, that is why get affected?

Do you think someone has feelings for you?
- hahahaha chismis!! sino naman?

Where did you last fall asleep other than your bed?
- couch. my couch. di bed haha

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
- oh yes! super super duper.

end.

wish tambay's get to be paid

2009-03-11T16:56:00.000+08:00

So, why aren't you in love with your ex anymore?
- dude, i don't even have one! (official one hehehe)

When was the last time you had butterflies?
- surprisingly, only this morning. while we were positioned for our cheer dance presentation. hahaha ang funny!

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?
- if by plans you meant acad plans or study plans, man! sobrang dami. kakabore na.

What do you currently hear right now?
- revv of our wall fan sa room. can't turn on the acu kasi i feel cold.

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
- kanina din after they watched our presentation. i kinda missed it! kasi two weeks ago, we never hung out that much unlike before and now that things are somehow back to normal, it is just relieving that there's no gap formed between. parang we missed each other pa nga talaga ng sobra kaya we had lots of kuwento with each other :)

Where will you be in an hour?
- dining table. studying the impossible orgchem notes.

Who was the first person you talked to today?
- rose bautista. she called me if i am still going.

Do you miss anyone?
- ALOT of people. but i already told one--him i miss him. hahah tapos he answered back saying na he'll go hang out with me soon. (supposedly tomorrow but thanks to my ORGCHEM lab, they'd rather not go na lang kasi they really want to hang out than just exchange hi's.) sayang nga naman kasi if they came all the way from diliman then wala lang diba. <3

Did you ever see the movie Pearl Harbor?
- OF COURSE! i have dvd pa! original :D

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
- cab driver? :))

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
- end of sem. summer. summer invitations :D more free time = MORE INOM :))

Are you wearing jeans right now?
- shorts! jeans are like JAIL for me and my troso legs :))

What's something you do when you're mad?
- first ten seconds, i try to keep quiet. my lips purse and my external nares (eff. bio?? HAHAHAHA) dilate :)) then pag nasagad na, i explode. i curse, most likely.
pero after non, wala namang aftershock, more like values and integration in my most preachy kind of voice. haha (parang minister lang e)
i dont get mad for the pinakamababaw reasons. pero kasi time is important to me. pag may mga ginagawa na nagsasayang lang ng oras, i get mad. kasi alam mo un, i could've done alot more things than waste my time with a bunch of tamad or reklamador people.

example of alot more things = SLEEP. :))

Did the person who hurt you the most apologize?
- No. don't think so. he won't let his ego be bruised.

Are you happy?
- to say absolutely would be preposterous. but to say yes, well i guess i think i have the right to be.

i am not totally happy. but im trying and i guess i am kahit papano happy pa rin. (labo no??)

What is the most random object around you?
- my highlighter sa sock bag ko. hekhek

Your favorite thing to drink on a hot summer day?
- not actually drink, eat na lang. hehe ==> halo halo from razon's or ice cream. ice cream!

Where is the next far off place you will travel?
- ewan ko. ayoko kasi ng nagpplan ng mga vacation na sobrang ahead of time kasi kadalasan un ung di natutuloy :))

Who was the last person or people you ate with?
- nina and loren :) love.

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
- water! hehe kakainom ko lang ng gamot e.

What's a happy time you've had in the past week?
- friday. election day. it was the day i felt more loved not only by people who supported but best of all by him :)
success kasi, kasi alam mo un he helped escape from the confines of college politics. and parang i felt na i was back to being a normal person, free of pressure but very enthusiastic of what i could contribute next :)

Do you like meeting new people?
- hell yea!
"New friends are social investments. Darating ang araw kakailanganin mo ang tulong nila." (Caguitla, 2009)

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
- sana wag ako mabinat sa cheer dance.

How's your heart lately?
- it's beating. and hoping that THIS TIME, it's gonna beat for the right reasons and the right person.

How do you feel about school?
- i tell most people, "sana pag gising ko iba na ang course ko. ok lang kung Arts pa siya ang importante ung nag-eexcel talaga ako." is it wrong to ask for something else?

Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
- ADMU <3. PE shirt ni ate madie dati. malaki e.

Someone on your mind right now?
- hehe <3 secret.

i have learned of perfect timing. we're not into something serious right now. we dont send each other messages often (whether it be sms or chat). we barely see each other in a week. but when we contact each other, we make the most sincere gestures. he does, actually. and nahahawa tuloy ako. and it just feels good to hope na sana this time, this person won't hurt me anymore. the feeling of security not by defense or whatever but by sincerity.

When was the last time you cried?
- last night when my temperature was 39C. hay jusko.

What was the last movie or show you watched?
- dvd. SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. it deserves the Oscars it won.

What's bothering you?
- my future. always had been.

Has today been a good day?
- rate na lang. another 7. more than okay but not nearly perfect.

Who did you last get into a fight with?
- my pe-mates, i think? wala stressed lang. di naman sila nagretaliate. ;))

okay lang, honestly. :)

2009-03-07T04:46:00.000+08:00

we lost.

pero okay lang. weird talaga kasi thursday night when i prayed before sleeping, sabi ko kay lord,
"Lord kung di mananalo si Jow, sana po (yuck ang weird) matalo na lang ako."

e masyadong masunurin si lord e. :))

but the thing is,
during the campaign i knew who my real friends are. friends na hindi hahayaang maging awkward ang lahat ng bagay dahil lang from different parties kami, friends na nagbibigay ng bagong chances and opportunities sa iba, at enemies na ubod ng arte (uyy may bago na akong frenemy =)) secret kung sino. basta I HATE IT) hehehe,

and best of all, friday night :) was somehow one of the best nights i had :D

okay lang that we lost. we still have Sibol e :D

that's life,
you LOSE some. you WIN SOMEONE. :-x

hahahahha :D

hindi ito huling habilin

2009-03-05T17:03:00.000+08:00

Okay don't panic. this is not a premonition. di pa ako mamamatay kasi masamang damo ako.
hehe :)

the past two weeks had been a blur.
all kinds of emotions were felt--there were days so irritating, so tiring, depressing, confusing, funny, sabaw-ish, exploding, frustrating, eye-opening, satisfying, gratifying, constipating (whaaaat?)

but this night. as the eve of judgment day approaches all i feel is nothing but gratitude.

sobrang nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng mga taong nakasama ko, bago man o luma. at sa lahat ng taong nakatrabaho (nyark artista?) at naka-share ng roller coaster event ngayon.

first, JOW POBLETE. got lots of things to thank for to this guy. :) you know how i doubted myself and my capabilities but you were there to make me feel that i am worthwhile. i was really moved kanina when you told us that lahat kami, in your slate were carefully chosen. and you chose us kasi you believed in us. i admire you jow. kasi despite the toxicity and init of going from lara to faura, you never failed to reach out. thank you for making an effort to prove that faura and lara isn't as far as it seems. thank you kasi you touched us. and it made us alive. it made us respond. it made us feel welcome.
to add, thank you jow kasi you didn't leave us hanging. kahit wala kang two front teeth and kahit bloodshot ang almost 3/4 of your eyes, you were there to be with us, to present us with pride and with hope na you could help us to be heard. thank you jow for honing our potentials, thank you letting us take this big leap, thank you for making us feel we belong.

second, TISH, LOREN, NINA, MOCHA and MAI. thank you guys. wala lang kahit nakakainggit at nakakabitin that i cut even our food trip, pinag-cut and make nyo pa rin ako ng PHISH stickers :) wala lang. thank you lalo na kay tish, sa load, sa pressure, sa pagcarry ng pagsusungit ko pag stressed and best of all sa pag-understand pag mejo sabaw na ako magreport or pag di ko pa tapos ang report kahit 2 hours away na lang. thanks guys fo rbeing there.

third, sa SIBOL-PH. i made friends. and for that i am very thankful. lahat tayo nagshare ng insights about things, nagshare ng pain, ng pressure, ng di pagtulog (hehe). i feel so proud kasi though we are new, though napataas natin ang mga kilay nila, we proved to them that we are worth listening to, young as we are, new to their eyes as we seem.
and thing is, being part of Sibol opened alot of doors for me. sa sobrang bilis nga magopen, nakakagulat na. thank you kasi i met a lot of inspiring and marvelous people (hello renzo guinto and bryan lim :D) through it. it became my stepping stone to brighter and bigger dreams and it challenged me to train myself to be a better person. :)

(okay for the next few parts ill make it short na lang, have pi pa. argh)

kay ATE MITA, for staying late at night, for printing shirts, for directing us lalo na nung wala si jow. for being the sec that she is and for being more! for being an ate, a confidante, an instant mom (hehe), and for being a friend. :) thanks sa pagbblog, sa pagddefend, sa pag-eencourage, sa pag-mmentor, sa pag-ccritic, sa pagccoach, in short sa lahat :D

kay ATE IRIS, and friends (hehe) kasi she shared her lovelife, her kilig moments, her org and her passion and pursuits. i am really looking forward to knowing you more (and ate camille--> haha CHEESEBURGER.benta major.) kasi wala lang it had been really fun being with you. thanks ate for opening up. and sana makasama ko kayo soon :) thank you ate iris kasi sinama mo ako sa bigkis. :) sana manalo ka for cph rep, ang daming kalaban e. =))

kay LORRA SAYSON, MS. JAN BAYBAY, MS. JUVY MACAPAGAL, for being jow's friends (and as for lorra, my friend). we admit that we are new to these things but you helped us wholeheartedly to get through everything. the qualities what we have right now, we owe them to you and your willingness to help us. thank you po.

kay MILA GULFAN, CHI CHI ILAYA, ANRIZ CARLOS, AYA AGONCILLO, KENNETH ONG, ANGEL ANG, at sa LAHAT NG KABATCH na ng nagsuot ng yellow hehe, in those two weeks, masaya ako kasi walang awkwardness. lahat steady lang :) nakakaaliw kasi i felt that we respected each other. pag campaign, we campaign, we do our best. pag nasa class (nat sci 8 or chem lab or bio lab), chikahan time :D hehe

(wait parang sabi ko shorter a)

kay DAVE TORIO, i may have told you a thousand times how i thank you so but still, thank you. alam mo na kung bakit dave :D

kay DOLLY na aking buddy. siguro you got shocked when i ranted one time sa text. pero i just want you to feel that you can always approach me. im just happy na napakasweet and bait bait ng buddy ko :D

sa SIBS ESP NADZ AND ARJ AND CHI AND MIA, dahil kahit namiss ko ang "debut of the year", ang surprise bday ni arjae, at ang chika about kay amanpulo, they still understood. thanks din to mia kasi when i was to explode, she was there to pacify me. you know me so well mia and im so glad yo said all thos things. tama ka, i would have regretted it kung di ko to tinuloy. kasi kahit matalo man, i learned alot at feeling ko winner pa rin :D

sa PE-MATES, for understanding why lately we have been late or absent. promise we'll make it up to you. tska gagalingan talaga namin i assure you:D

kay TRISTAN MUNAR for the tarp services. salamat ha kahit rush. **For discounted Tarp and Poster Printing Services, contact me or him.

sa BIO (joyce, pj, laurie, and friends) kahit di kayo boboto, thanks :))

kay DREI ALFONSO of DSS for being my dss campaign manager, kahit again di naman kayo boboto :))

kina RICHIE, CHARMAGNE, DARRYL, MARK and some dent people for the go!-go! 's :D (kahit again di naman kayo boboto =)) )

kay KARA at pharm people, kahit again di kayo ph, di kayo boboto :))

(okay this time nasasabaw na ako sa antok :D)

and thanks to my sisters of course, for the funding (kahit kapalit non e pag-aaccount ko next week sa sales ng Sam's), pagluto ng dinner and breakfast kahit di naman talaga ako nakakakain. hehe, and sa pag-encourage sakin, matulog. :)) dahil mukha na daw ako zombie.

thanks to my mom and papa, ciempre. wala lang sa kanila galing ang writing and speaking skills ko e. so ayun. (sabaw na)

and to all the new people i met, you may not know how great the ratio you have inspired. and it's more than enough. i am really honored to see, know and listen to you. :)

to all who asked questions. questions are good. :) you helped us think so that we could improve! :D

and best of all to God. a month ago, i felt....BORED. wala lang. masama pala ung feeling na walang purpose. na peteks lang. na konting participation lang tapos books na or barkada na. a month ago, i was in darkness, i focused on the wrong things and felt depressed with the wrong people. but then this time, i got distracted...in a better way. :D i thank God kasi he gave me a chance, to make myself feel important by being busy or by being of service to others. thanks lord. kasi you gave me courage, confidence and best of all, a chance to do what i have always been doing and what i have always been passionate about. :)

tomorrow, the people shall choose. and i stay true to what i said a while ago.

"our basis to choose should not consider WHO stood out or WHO is the best. the future of our college or university is a matter of substance and not personality. what we should rely on when we choose is WHAT would be appropriate and WHAT would make us rise to better horizons."

let us not deprive ourselves of our right for change and development.

pagdating natin sa mga ballots, lahat tayo pantay-pantay. walang freshie, sophie, junior, senior, shiftee or irreg. lahat tayo mga estudyanteng umaasa na kung di man magkakaroon ng malaking pagbabago, may maggagabay sa atin para magbago. tayo pa rin ang leaders ng buhay natin. kung kaya't kung may nais tayong makamit, kumilos tayo. at kumilos tayong kasama ang mga taong papalakasin ang ating loob, gagabayan tayo at higit sa lahat, pagsisilbihan tayo nang walang pag-iimbot.

remember may purpose kung bakit "student council" kasi students always come first.

(wala lang masaya lang ako kasi may political party na member na ako. hehe)
tulog muna. PI later :D (hay nako. major? heheheh)

because sincerity is more than just defense

2009-03-03T22:18:00.000+08:00

thing is, WE ARE ALL MONSTERS.

driven by the power to prove we are somebody or that we have something better to offer, we speak as if we humble ourselves, to the point that we do it only to seek sympathy.

people, we can do better than this.

i am speaking not because i am running. i am speaking because this has been what's on my mind AS AN ORDINARY INDIVIDUAL. i am speaking as Anthonette Malaluan, the ordinary PH student i have always been.

sa mga bagong pangyayari sa buhay ko, masaya ako kahit minsan masakit. kasi alam ko na sa lahat ng ginawa ko, sinagad ko ang kakayahan ko. nakita ko ang Nhet na dating ganito laging -- maximized ang potential. but sometimes, ang hirap pala sa kalooban na may mga taong mamimisconstrue ang kakayahan ko for being far-fetched or fabricated. kung ginalingan ko man dahil ginawa ko yun ng buong puso dahil naniniwala ako na may magagawa ako pag nagsalita ako.

sinasabi ko ito hindi dahil kailangan ko ng awa pero dahil naniniwala ako na maraming katulad ko sa PH, magaling ngunit hindi nabibigyan ng pagkakataon para ipakita yon. in two years na nakasama ko ang batchmates ko, ang dami kong nakilalang MAS MAGALING pa sa akin. but the thing is, sa Faura lang sila nakapako. isipin na nilang, nagpapa-special sila kaya hindi sila nagkakaroon ng part sa college activities, pero yun yon e, SPECIAL sila. konting kulbit lang and encouragement and i believe that is what they need.

pero yun pala un, pag ginalingan mo, people would think that you are just making it up. na you are just a person of words and that you cannot be of substance.

PREJUDICED nga ang tao. how can you say so when you don't even know the person?

How can you say when you haven't even tried him or her?

We were good speakers because we did it from the heart.

ako ginawa ko yun kasi alam ko un ang kailangan ko as an ORDINARY PH Student. at lahat naman siguro tayo, nagPHILO kaya alam natin na hindi puwedeng i-asa na lamang sa hasty conclusions and future ng ating college.

MASAYA ako that there are people who appreciated what i did. kasi ito ako na hindi nakikita ng lahat. :) let's be honest. ang sarap ng feeling na sinabihan ka ng mga tao that "you are good", na "good job" kasi ibig sabihin the things that you did FROM THE HEART are the same things that TOUCHED THEIR HEARTS.

may purpose ang isang tao kung bakit niya ginagalingan. IT IS NOT ABOUT WINNING OR BEING APPROPRIATE ANYMORE e. it is about being appreciated for your genuine and genius work :D. na with your work, people started to believe na you can make a difference.
na with your work, you find your purpose.

kung may natutunan man ako after all this, un ay kung gusto mong magkaboses sa konseho, SUMIGAW KA. kasi thing is, pagdating mo sa election, pantay pantay lahat ng tao na boboto at pantay-pantay na mayroon tayong gustong mangyari sa kinabukasan natin. sa ating PAGSIGAW, mapapansin ka nila kasi sa dinami-rami ng tao, nagkaroon ka ng LAKAS NG LOOB to speak for yourself kahit pa nasa gitna ka ng crowd ng kalaban. :)

AT KUNG TIRAHIN KA MAN NILA, AT LEAST ISIPIN MO NA LANG NA KAYA KA NILA TINITIRA AY DAHIL YOU MADE AN IMPACT.

congrats! :)
kasi matupad man o hindi ang isinigaw mo, they'll always remember you as
"Ang Batang Sumigaw" :D
and for that, you stood out. :)

bilang isang normal na tao, sana wag na natin isipin WHO is the more appropriate, WHO would rise, sana mas maisip natin

WHAT would be more appropriate FOR THE COLLEGE.
WHAT would make THE COLLEGE rise.

Lahat tayo magaling.
At siguro dapat maging PROUD tayo na magagaling tayo sa CPH.

in just a few more days, malalaman na natin who will hold position in the college and in the whole university. sa totoo lang ngayon, hindi ko na iniisip yung pagkapanalo o pagkatalo kasi masaya ako na tinulungan ako ni Jow Poblete para makilala ng mga tao at makakilala ng marvelous na tao, para mai-share sa kanila kung sino ako at para maipakita na hindi basta-basta lang ang CPH.

nung meeting de avance, narinig ko numerous times ang katagang "ang PH ay maliit na college" gusto ko sana mag-NO. kasi alam kong maraming holistic sa PH. kasi kung maliit kami, wala kaming sariling building ngayon. kasi alam kong kahit saan mo kami dalhin, may funds man o wala, kaya naming dumiskarte.

at hindi ako papayag na mamaliitin lang nila ang College na kinabibilangan ko ngayon.

Ah. basta ngayon masaya ako kasi napatunayan kong active pa rin ang Nhet na outgoing. :D
and one day, i will use my voice again to be heard.

MABIBINGI SILA with what i am to say.

Someday. Someday. Soon.

:D

finally.

2009-02-22T04:24:00.000+08:00

it's the last week of the month--the ending of a month's plot and the beginning of a new chapter.

for the past weeks, i have been trapped in the cloud of confusion. the events were all going too fast! and from a simple student who wishes of nothing else but be--simple, i realized that there is more i could give to the world than just staying simple. however, though the desire for growth, change and maturity somehow manages to forge through thickets of self-doubt, i cannot help but find myself sometimes stuck questioning my capability and my readiness to the risk i am to take. this even led me to consider bailing out despite letting people, who believe in me, down.

i may want a simpler life. but to disappoint people, though it's the easiest way out, would be death for me. and then it struck me, the only assurance that i or anyone else have made a difference in the world is when we have done something that made the world leap in surprise!

how would i urge them to leap, if all i would do is just stand?

and so this week, i end my contemplations..

i am anthonette malaluan of BS Public Health Batch 2007-2011, running for VP Externals.

and i will prove that there is more to me, my batch and my college than what meets the eye.
we will leap and the world shall follow.

mahirap kalabanin ang antok.

2009-02-19T00:33:00.000+08:00

the week's not yet over, but it feels like a month already.

nung december, nag-one year old na ang phone ko. alam ko un. nagcelebrate pa nga ako e.pero ngayon di ko na macecelebrate un ever. first thanks to my brain na ewan ko ba kung bakit seriously inflicted with memory gap even at a young age and second, kasi ang phone-slash-organizer-slash-alarm clock-slash landline ko ay nareformat.

yes. REFORMAT. zero. wala.

kasalanan ng security code. dahil sa pagiging paranoid ko, aun di na nagopen ang phone ko ever. (and so i leave you a tip, wag na kayo magsecurity code!)

pero di pa natapos ang kalbaryo ko sa aking phone.
after mareformat, aun di na rin nagopen ang memcard.

odiba, yay happy.

on a lighter note naisip ko, maybe there's a purpose why my phone's memory was washed out. maybe there are people of my past who once became special, no longer exist in my list now. and yet, there will be who'll still choose to stay and be part of what i have now.

si lord na ang nagsabi na i should forget and move on.

i just NEED to let it off my chest. TOTALLY

2009-02-11T18:10:00.000+08:00

honestly. i don't know where to start.

ewan ko ba. pero simpleng tao lang ako. when i first stepped into college i never pictured myself aiming higher than makapass (or kahit above average) sa acads or magparticipate sa whatever org. yun lang. simpleng tao lang ako. masaya na ako to socialize and feel useful to anyone. i never thought of doing something greater than that.

but in the recent turn of events, parang nabibigla na lang ako with the gigantic leaps i am to take. i don't really understand. first, i want it rin naman. i never wanted the title, really but the job, the purpose, the catch na "externals", that's what got me into this. gusto ko lang talaga to open myself up to greater possibilities. possibilities na kahit sa ibang mundo ko pa siya maranasan, i would still be close to where i am at right now. to the people where i belong. i want to do the job, really. to organize events that i surely won't do na by the time that i leave college. i want to speak in front of a crowd and make them listen. i want to meet different people. know them. know their stories. and even share my stories to them. alam mo yun, in the first place, i never wanted to be given any title. i just want to know people and find out how i can touch their lives or somehow help them be..happy. gets?

alam ko some people would say i am being "politician"-ish, pero the thing is, wala akong gusto but to serve, to serve na hindi ko kelangan magpretend that i know everything or that i am good at everything. gusto ko parang kabarkada lang lahat. the feeling that i dont have to impress anyone pero i get to do wonderful things for them. the feeling na i could help.

the problem is, di nila ako masyado kilala. and un na nga un e. how many more of us, like me, ang hindi nila kilala na actually willing to push themselves to help?

honestly, di ko nga naisip ito as stepping stone to med e. i didn't really want to plan my career to use it for med life! pero things happen.

thankful naman ako to those who believe na i could do this. to those na willing ako tulungan no matter what. to those na kahit paulit-ulit na ako and feeling ko sirang plaka na ako, go pa rin and they listen. to those na kahit sure na sila e sige pa rin ang encourage sakin. and to those na nagsabi na no matter what they'll always be here.

pero i was thinking din, kung simple lang talaga ang gusto ko, why am i letting this bother me bigtime?

siguro nga. i wanted that job rin talaga. pero i am still apathetic of the title, really. siguro nga concerned talaga ako na with this gigantic leap, i can make myself be heard. na may isang nhet na kaya naman kahit from scratch siya.

and i was thinking rin, if matalo man talaga ako, of course it'll hurt like hell. pero at least in the process diba i'd get to see who my true frinds really are and how willing are they to go with me through this risk. siguro matagal before i accept it. pero alam ko darating ang time that i would get better things. better openings. better possibilities.

hay. i don't know anymore!

kung nagsasalita lang si peanut

2009-02-03T18:32:00.000+08:00

Dear Mama,

Ang sama mo.

Doon ako naghihintay gabi-gabi, umaasa na sa pagbukas ng pinto makikita kita na buong pagmamahal na aakayin ako upang ipadama sa akin ang sarap ng may nagmamahal. Lagi lang ako nandoon, ma, naghihintay at laging nag-aabang na baka sakali o kahit panandalian lang, babalik ka para sa amin, kasi kami ang iyong pamilya at tanging kami lang ang nandito para sa'yo, ano pa man ang iyong pagkakamali at pagkukulang.

Alam ko naman na sa araw na lumabas ka ng pinto bitbit ang iyong mga gamit, punung-puno ng kaba na may halong pagkasabik, alam ko ma, na aalis ka at iiwan kami. Alam ko naman yun, na darating ang panahon at gugustuhin mo rin lumagay sa tahimik, kasama ang isang pamilyang ikaw ang nagbuo at magbibigay-ilaw. Alam ko naman na di habambuhay kahit gustuhin ko man, na nandito ka sa tabi namin. Alam ko na aalis at aalis ka, kahit pa hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit.

Alam ko naman at kahit papaano pinipilit kong intindihin.

Pero hindi ko lang matanggap na hayaan kang umalis na alam kong masama rin naman ang iyong pupuntahan, ma. Hindi ko naman ibig husgahan siya pero sana man lang mapatunayan niya sa'yo na sulit ang pag-iwan mo sa amin. Sana lang ma, maisip niya kung gaano ka namin kamahal na ayaw naming masaktan ka at mapanindigan niya na aalagaan ka niya di man tulad ngunit halos kawangis ng pag-aarugang ibinigay namin sayo.

Pero bakit ganon? Ni anino niya hindi ko nakikita. Posible pa kayang dumating ang panahon na mapaninindigan ka niya?

Sabi nila ako daw ay bunga ng pagkasuklam at pagkawala ng iyong pag-asa sa kanya. Sabi nila na dahil sa matinding paghihinagpis mo, kinuha mo ako upang pag-alayan ng pagmamahal na binalewala lang niya. Masaya ako. Kasi kahit pa ganoon, kahit pa kinupkop mo lang ako upang may mapagkaabalahan kaysa umiyak, kahit papaano'y hindi nawala sa iyong puso ang mabuti mong hangarin at ang katangi-tangi mong kakayahan upang magmahal.

Pero dahil lang ba bumalik na ang buwaya, iiwan mo na rin ako upang kalimutan ang pangako mo sa iyong sarili?

Pangakong hindi ka na sasama sa may sinamahan nang iba?

Ma, ang sama mo.

Alam ko naman na darating ang panahon na aalis ka na. Na iiwan mo na kami. Na gagawa ka ng sariling pangarap. Sariling pagsisikap.

Pero sa tingin mo ba kaya kong maatim na iwan ka sa isang taong nangiwan na rin sa iba?

Basta kahit anong mangyari nandoon pa rin ako. Naghihintay. Sa may pinto. Para sa pagdating mo.

-Peanut

dude. i understand. but please. let me rant.

2009-01-31T18:01:00.001+08:00

NO.

they say to say no is the hardest thing to do. and if by any chance one manages to, well congrats. you are one of the privileged to have the greatest willpower.

we say no for good reasons, for our betterment and for our self fulfillment. but sometimes, it is just fucking irritating when you are told no when you were told yes weeks ago.

look.i understand. promise. i am in the same position as yours. but please understand if i just want to rant. im a person trapped in this system--my body and if i dont let the inconsistencies and frustrations and grievances out, i will burst.

and my god, i can think of more situations where my body would be so useful than just let it explode like that.

the thing is, only few are privileged to have that alchemy night. for free. with free transpo, free drinks (most likely kasi someone pledged to sponsor) and free entrance and best of all, free boarding and lodging and breakfast and lunch (prolly) in our house in the morning. all you have to do is dress up and go. ta-da! you are now in tra-la-la land :D

and i know that you have tons to do. tons to think of. tons to contemplate on. but i reserved you two weeks ago. i begged for your time. asked you to call it off and spend time with me, to alchemy and dance the night away. but best of all, experience a surprise i prepared that will turn every person in alchemy into putty with envy.

unfortunately, the "babawi thing" is not really a good wager for the inis i am totally feeling right now. (damn it kung sa embassy pa pala ako nagpareserve edi napahiya lang ako)

look. i understand i just feel so bad and frustrated that all i did and all i planned for two weeks ago was well.. turned into pop! air.

tapos thing is, di ko na nagawa ung surprise.

i mean i can't go and party kung wala naman talaga ung reason nun for the party diba?

hayy sayang naman talaga. ciempre nahihiya din ako for the people i bothered just to help me with the surprise.

too bad na lang nhet.

sorry guys if you are to read this. i mean i understood you naman kaya i didn't text na lang. i just want to let my frustrations out.

siguro mejo pass na muna ako sa paginvite sa inyo. matatagalan na rin lang siguro.

dude. i understand. but please. let me rant.

2009-01-31T18:01:00.000+08:00

NO.

they say to say no is the hardest thing to do. and if by any chance one manages to, well congrats. you are one of the privileged to have the greatest willpower.

we say no for good reasons, for our betterment and for our self fulfillment. but sometimes, it is just fucking irritating when you are told no when you were told yes weeks ago.

and my god, i can think of more situations where my body would be so useful than just let it explode like that.

unfortunately, the "babawi thing" is not really a good wager for the inis i am totally feeling right now. (damn it kung sa embassy pa pala ako nagpareserve edi napahiya lang ako)

look. i understand i just feel so bad and frustrated that all i did and all i planned for two weeks ago was well.. turned into pop! air.

tapos thing is, di ko na nagawa ung surprise.

i mean i can't go and party kung wala naman talaga ung reason nun for the party diba?

hayy sayang naman talaga. ciempre nahihiya din ako for the people i bothered just to help me with the surprise.

too bad na lang nhet.

sorry guys if you are to read this. i mean i understood you naman kaya i didn't text na lang. i just want to let my frustrations out.

siguro mejo pass na muna ako sa paginvite sa inyo. matatagalan na rin lang siguro.

freaky wednesdays

2009-01-28T03:18:00.000+08:00

they say that the magic behind predictions and horoscopes lie on the power of the mind to put together all the pieces in a desperate attempt of creating a one whole puzzle...with sense.

but for some reason, my mind has just freakingly created one sensible puzzle in just a snap, aftr reading my Friendster horoscope.

could it be that the stars or numbers or some cosmic force really know the state im in or was it just coincidental?

and that my mind is playing tricks on me again?

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)[?]

The Bottom Line

Where you are going with someone isn't clear, but it's clear you are going together.

In Detail

Your professional life is getting lighter and brighter, but you can expect things to get hot and heavy in your personal life! This is something you have been waiting for, and you are more than ready to take advantage of it. Call up your sweetie or your crush and plan something social with them as soon as possible. They are in this phase too, and when the two of you get together the energy will be palpable. Where you are going may not be clear, but it's clear you are going there together.

Reference: http://www.friendster.com/horoscope.php?hid=Leo

laugh. but seriously i have ISSUES

2009-01-08T17:21:00.000+08:00

i want to pretend that i am still alright, that i can survive this. i have had four almost ten formative years in the past, four more would make little difference. i want to believe that i can prove i deserve to be here, that i can finish and make my dreams come true, wihtout losing myself in disappointment with all the failures i have been making.

i want to believe in myself but reality is, i cannot get everything that i want.

i feel tired. some would say im being a fool, to grade-conscious. but isn't that the reason why i'm even studying? to worry about my grade. to worry about my future.

why does it feel that though i want to persevere, to be the best that i can be, i cannot avoid but do the wrong things. and though i try to tell myself, everything is just a phase, why does it seem that everything i do is wrong.

do i just have bad fate or im not just meant to be here?

i want to believe in myself. i want to persevere to survive this. i want to hold on. to never give up.

but why recent events just make me think that it's not meant for me after all?

"what did six tell ten?" -"seven ate nine"

2009-01-05T15:48:00.000+08:00

it had been 2009 years since the birth of the earth. but would 2009 be any different?
better yet, would '09 be as lucky as it is?

and as '08 is left behind, it pays to remind us of the most memorable moments '08 has brought us.
of course, in a nine's perspective. *winks*

9 quotes that remind me of '08:

1. kaya naman niya magustuhan si *toot* e pero hindi lang instant tulad nung feelings nya for the other guy

ung instant feeling.
minsan lang yun.

2. Gwa m?

ignoring you. pwede na ba yun?
fyi, nag-loloyal-loyalan na ako.

why dont you try that for a change?
feeling-erong bastard.

hehehehehe :D

3. e kaya pala madaming rebelde sa inyo e.

tama. kasi bulok na gobyerno ang nagpapatakbo samin. kaya ayon bulok din ang sistema.
kaya dear raul gonzales, if you said up is breeding ground for rebels, baka dahil nasa posisyon ka kaya ganon.

4. what do you want for dinner?
ikaw--
err, wait tanong ba yon o sagot?
hehehe

nuff said.

5. wow tita ang galing naman kambal mga anak mo!
nako hindi, nagpalit lang sila ng sinuot kahapon. di kasi sila naligo.

e nasa hospital naman kami non e! tska maaga pa kaya un. hmp
(uuuuyyyy defensive :p)

6. (galit and suspicious) sino yun ha? ha anthonette?
duh. ma. wala. ano ka ba. friendly lang talaga ako masama ba?
ma, pagalitan mo nga. inuunahan pa ako e. turuan mo rumespeto
sino ba nga kasi yon?
wala nga duh. ano ba. tigilan nyo nga ako.
hehehe wala lang. ang puti! ang pogi! at ang ganda ng kuko sa paa. hayyy yummy!
MMMMMAAAAAA! yuck. tigilan mo nga yan.
nako ma ha umuwi ka na ng lipa kung magmumulandi ka lang naman dito! (galit)

7. ah ok po. any additional orders po?
ai oo! one creme bulee please.
uhm okay ma'am one cramble egg coming up!

sa moa yan sa moa.

8. isuot mo jersey mo ha.
huh? bakit?
para i can get your number.
ah number ba gusto mo? 666. ano gusto mo ba bilangin ko na din ang araw mo sa mundo?

9. I LOVE YOU.

I love you too, anak.
ikaw kasi e wala ka na sa bahay, ayan nagkasakit tuloy ako.

:-x

i like you NAMAN.

2008-12-23T19:47:00.000+08:00

kung may bullet na nakakarating ng rizal, siguro patay ka na. ano pa ba ang gusto mo? gusto ko man maging friendly ikaw etong makapal ang mukha to push me away. okay fine ugali mo na ata yan e. nag-hi lang ako for goodness' sake. hindi ko sinabing i want you back..

galit ako sayo.

galit na galit.

***

Friendster horoscope:

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

The Bottom Line
You will be feeling fiery and a bit combative today -- but you will be loving it!

In Detail
You will be feeling fiery and a little bit combative today -- at least when you are dealing with people who are just not getting with the program. You have absolutely no patience for people who aren't willing to listen or work in groups, so it's not the best day for team-based activities. You'll be much happier if you can go it alone and have more flexibility to do what you want to do when you want to do it. Romance-wise, if you are single, you will be loving it!

ahhh i see. *winks*

eating my heart out

2008-12-18T21:32:00.000+08:00

i feel like edgar allan poe. writing while intoxicated.

and it made me think of the beauty of leaving.

people cry because you leave them. and you cry because youleave people behind.
as for me, leaving is beautiful

coz when you leave you get to see the people who would want you to stay. and best of all, when you leave you start thinking to yourself that you'd get to leave this place behind, you'd have the privilege of leaving everything, leaving the pain, the regret, the sorrow and disappointment.

i left you because i regretted everything.
but i left you scarred.

i hoped i never went to you in the first place.

then maybe there's no scar left behind.

feat. quote of the week

2008-12-16T06:38:00.000+08:00

launching ng quote of the week ko. dapat nasa school na ako to submit pi. kaso eto tamad mode. hehe

aanhin pa ang guwapo, kung ulo'y pang-gago. dun ka na lang sa pangit, at least pag nagmahal, malupet. :D
-madie malaluan and company

wala lang.

wishlist. wishlist. wishlist.

2008-12-15T16:09:00.000+08:00

thanks for viewing. kasi at least it's either you're interested (dahil baka nasa wishlist mo din yun) or talagang you'll give me one! waheeeeee :D

i hope you're getting my hint haha. kiddin^^ wala lang alam ko masaya mag isip na may magbibigay sayo.

naisip ko tuloy in one discussion with bff's. buti pa si myra may nagbibigay ng shoes.. kaming mga single, eherm.... but kontra si mocha, kasi siyanga naman anjan si mama :D

kaya major parinig sa mga mama namin. hehehe^^

so aside from the three major necessities: bahay, lupa, kotse, pagkain. here's the list: (not in order)

1. psp. pink, silver or light blue. slim. :)
wala na kasi ang mahal na mahal kong psp. :( napalitan naman ng ipod kaya lang ciempre mas masaya pa din na wag makinig sa lec while playing. but! perks of ipod di masyadong halata.

2. book of pride and prejudice. hard bound.
i read it na over and over (paperback copy) and over and over i fell in love with mr. darcy. hehe i just wanted to savor every moment kaya i want a hard bound one. it's really hard to find one nga e.

3. keds shoes. closed flats.
love. love. love. girly but not too girly. gets? :)

4. cd: chris brown. lifehouse. onerepublic. ne-yo. justin timberlake. thor.
mostly mainstream. pero okay lang! thor's hindi nga lang ganon kafamous. opm un. r&b. pero world class talent talaga. wish he could've been given a super big break kasi when i checked online he has so many fans na talaga. he's not good looking but his voice can melt yyyyoooouuu. :D

5. dress. mini-dress. :)
honestly, madami na ako and hindi ko sila masuot sa school. kaya lang masaya kasi na pag-open mo ng closet mo--wooow panay dress. kahit deep inside tomboy ako. hehehe

and! mapresko kasi e. *winks*

6. laptop bag. pink but not too malandi. :p
pink vaio goes with pink bag. kawawa naman laptop namin. nasa bahay lang lagi. di na naarawan.

7. white pearl earrings. second to the pinakamalaki.
for one thing, it's suwerte daw when someone gives it to you. funny nga my sister and i thought of exchanging pero ciempre connivance na un. kaso sabi ni mama di daw counted yun. so i whispered to myself while ate's around (na malakas pa sa whisper) "ai bibigyan ko siguro si ate madie ng pearls. sana bigyan nya din ako."

kaso baka karmaic un. naku mahirap na.^^

8. bikini.
give me one. ill wear it for you. hahahahah joke^^

9. plaid na polo. normal sleeves lang.
plaid is love. wala lang ang ganda parang promdi pero hindi type. gets? :)

10. l'oreal elseve hair treatment set.
meron na akong shampoo at conditioner. kaso ang mahal mahal. nakakaasar. hehe pag nga ginagamit ko mine-measure ko pa ng teaspoon. hehehe major kuripot!

11. dog cage.
pag naiinis ako ikukulong ko si peanut dito.

ooops. hehehe papakainin ko naman e. di ko naman papaluin, tatadyakan, sisipain, sasampalin, naku yang asong yan ang baho baho magwiwi, nakakaasar minsan, ang sarap paliparin from 3rd floor.....

hindi ko talaga sasaktan. PROMISE.

12. taga-gawa ng pi 100 short story
para matapos na. kasi kanina pa ako e. and until now di pa ako tapos.

13. alarm clock na nag-aalarm ng bonggang bongga.
problem ko na yun. im always late. di kasi ako magising-gising. and im kinda insomiac na. i sleep at 3am kasi wala lang i can't sleep earlier and then it becomes so friggin difficult for me to wake up at 6am. to get ready for class. asar.

lagi tuloy ako pinaparinggan ni hello kitty. or minsan (di pala minsan) nagcacab na lang ako to get in time. e hello, mahal na kaya. argh argh argh.

14. one meal. one sitting. na bk whopper (hindi junior) large fries. large sprite with sundae. at world chicken: fettucine alfredo, potato salad or macaroni salad and chicken dressed with corn and mushroom (wait basta yung white)

kaya ako tumataba e.

15. spa and massage.
naman kasi. nakakapagod ang buhay.

16. 20-30k.

tapos magseset ako ng children's party with ronald mcdonald sa ward nina joanna sa pgh. :)

17. another day with him.

tangina ang corny ko.

18. 50k.

magpapareserve ako ng vip area sa emba, phi, jaipur, or magchcheck-in sa tagaytay. at magiinuman kami ng friends! :)

19. one night inuman.
with him para safe. pero sana with friends din. at sana malasing kami na maddrop dead tulog na lang kami. para no more vomitting! hehe

c'mon naman it's christmas. masarap naman mag-inom pag malamig. di naman meaning nun alcoholic na e.
we're after the bonding naman e. not the beer or gin or alcohol for real.

diba? may tama naman ako diba?

20. org chem reviewer and better tutor.
ayaw kasi niya magtutor e. ang corny. gusto ko ng tutor. naggets ko naman. kinakabahan lang ako. i just want to make sure that ill pass.

i could've said calculator na magandang maganda. kaso he gave me one na. hehehe^^

21. mountain bike and a teacher.
i never gave up on hoping that ill ride a bike someday. ride and drive it ha.

22. sasakyan na madaling tupiin.
sana talaga meron nito para pag nagpunta ng school madali magpark.

23. closet na nageemit ng kahit anong damit.
parang may nasohypophyseal sensor siya to detect my mood and then ieemit niya ung complete outfit na bagay for me for that day. para naman mabilis na ako magbihis.

****wait, i think nagiging idealistic na ako. okay FOCUS. NHET.********

24. 500 ml (?) body shop na strawberry flavored cologne.
kasi favorite smell nya un sakin. haha yuck nhet so corny.

25. yc pizza at invitation to go to his place. xmas party kasi ng housemates nya.

wala lang. gusto ko lang mainvite ulit. :( ewan ko ba feelingera kasi ako. gusto ko fc ako. crap naman nhet don't expect.

hehehehe OKAY. nega vibes out!

since xmas is on the 25th of the month. these are just 25.
though hindi kayo makacomply sa wishlist ko, okay lang. im a happy person naman.
i find happiness with the simplest and sincere-est things :)
gifts are not necessary talaga (lalo na pag hindi din naman kita bibigyan hehe joke).

kasi when im with you, im happy. (this goes for everyone ha. :p)

merry christmas to us all :D

is there?

2008-12-14T19:00:00.000+08:00

there are songs i just don't want to believe in.

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Is">http://www.imeem.com/people/znikGP/music/--H4S4oM/u_turn_is_there_something/">Is There Something - U Turn

a bowl of light

2008-12-08T20:45:00.000+08:00

it's a half moon tonight.

you have always been beautiful in my eyes, except tonight. it somehow saddened me that tonight, you seemed so real and yet i have never seen you like this before. i was fond when you were shining completely, with glee and with dominance over the dark sky of the night but tonight, tonight is a totally different story.

why did you let yourself be conquered by darkness? why does your face conjure two faces--the beautiful and the ugly?

you are weak. i believed you during the days when you shone bright among us. you were complete, endless, sensational, as if there is no one that could beat you in the darkness. your charm has just put everything else aside. you were the only--heavenly.

but tonight, darkness slowly creeps on you, eats you piece-by-piece, half-by-half. is this what you are really like when most of us are asleep? why are you dented? why are you diminishing? why are you losing light?

you are pretentious. liar. a cheat. if you think you can forever pretend you were complete, think again. i saw you. and you were as ugly as they are. you were so proud of yourself then, when everyone else adores your light. but when they have fallen into slumber, you uncover yourself, you are just becoming as dark as they are.

earlier tonight, i admired you but right now, you were just like them.
and you failed me.

breaking off the calluses

2008-12-05T21:34:00.000+08:00

we all deserve something better.

because all of us are just struggling, searching for that certain reason that will make us stay, that will make us stop, that will make us--completely satisfied.

it is hard. hard to move on from bad habits. but who needs them if our self worth is compromised?
there are things we need and things we thought we need. and the more we set our minds that it is the bad habit that we need, that we have to pursue it with the hope that it'll turn into something better, the more we are just left, with corroded thoughts, wrong judgment, grief.

and so a popular adage agrees, "if the beginning is bad, might as well, do not lead it to the ending."

we deserve only the best because we have put our best efforts on it.
the challenge left to us, is to keep that 'something better' and shoot for the best :D

when a door closes, windows open.
my door has not really closed yet but it's just satisfying to breathe in fresh air, to bathe in warm sunlight and to view the world from my consoling window seat. :)

because you are just a fugly fraud.

2008-11-30T22:06:00.000+08:00

1 message received.

it's thrillin' to see someone cared at that moment, especially if that someone is someone you would want to care, at that moment. (kinda confusin? :D) anyway, you opened your phone only to find an anonymous number (thinking it was a dark and mysterious ala-edward cullen guy) with this VERY familiar message:

honey dto ka reply. lodan mo k 150pesos.

dream bubble popped. darn it! it's just one of those text scams so rampant and, irritatingly, happens so often! it's just sad to know that maybe due to coincidence or curiosity some people will actually fall into this trap.

worse is, there are more, varied and ingenuous ways on how text or chat scam-ers "trap their preys."

for instance, note this ym conversation:

male: hi! how have you been?
female: huh? do i know you?
m: yes. we have met before. dont you remember me?
f: who are you?
m: i'm *name*
f: sorry but i don't know you. you sure we're acquainted already?
m: yes. at a party. a lasallian party.
i'm from ateneo. second year. but i was invited by a friend from la salle to a party where i met you.
f: really huh.
m: yea
f: soo, where'd we meet? you know, maybe i remember you...
can you give me the place?
any place. warehouse? metrowalk? alchemy?
m: yes. alchemy.
f: funny. i've never been to alchemy.

gotcha loser! BUSTEEEEDDD.
but wait, there's more!

m: oh. maybe it's another girl. haha
f: right. then contact her instead.
m: maybe we can get re-acquainted?
f: look, i DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU. what if you're some psycho or something??
m: i am no psycho.
f: then you're something. tsk tsk not good
can you give me a pic of yours then maybe i get to remember you?

photo sharing started.
some b&w american guy with cap picture. looks candid.

f: don't remember you. you sure you're just in college? second year? :))
m: yea. why what are you laughing at?
f: nothing. :)) (looks old. as in thirties. major lolo!)

to continue,

m: can we meet up tomorrow? there are no classes right?
my treat!
f: where do you live
m: white plains, qc. you?
f: makati. i dont think we can meet it's too far.
m: no i'll just go there. are we on?
f: whatever. i'll have to think about it.
m: look, i know you. you're from la salle right?
f: no. up. but in highschool yes.
m: see?
f: ha-ha c'mon you just saw it in my friendster profile.
m: no. i don't have any friendster profile. just facebook and myspace.
f: ah really
look, you are not yet answering my question, where'd you get my id??
m: from a friend a COMMON friend. doesn't really matter.
so what's you number?
f: *number* (not real of course)
m: great! im gonna text you and then we'll meet up tomorrow okay?
f: im not sure really. i promised my sister ill go with her shopping. so i really dont have time
m: aww. next time then, okay?
hey gtg bye!

*no more reply from f*

after doing a little research i found out that:

1. this stupid guy doesn't have a facebook account. and he does have a friendster one with the same pic he showed me as his primary pic.
2. though his profile is private, he's location is paranaque, metro manila. not white plains, qc. (from north to south?? wth.)
3. we don't have any common friends in friendster. who could this common friend he is referring to, be?

i don't have any idea how he got my email add since my friendster profile is private. or perhaps he could've gotten it from sites i downloaded various freewares or videos from. whatever his methods be, his purpose is obviously not genuine.

why do people fool others? what do they get from it? the satisfaction of fooling people? why do they do it? for lust? for some pathetic reason that would fulfill their pathological need for attention?

it's just disappointing to know that there are actually people who would fool people for the most selfish and psychotic reasons. it's also disappointing that there are "preys" fooled into these scams as their egos are being fed.

Wikpiedia calls this as "confidence trick". scams are just merely feeding one's ego to convince or persuade a person to agree on an arrangement. it's just normal. i mean we use confidence trick to appease our mothers to give us our allowance, when we playfully nudge our professors to give us better grades or when we pressure our peers to hang out with us.

but playing the confidence trick to greatly harm another is no longer normal. it is criminal!

so be wise enough in dealing with other people. do not be afraid to make friends but make sure that the friends you make are more than friendly faces but most of all, with genuine purposes.

if the government cannot protect us from these vicious predators, it is time to rely on ourselves and protect us.
be wary. be alert. be wise.

if i did flood your inbox, sorry :)

2008-11-30T21:10:00.000+08:00

i made a serious mistake months ago and i really want to make it up to myself :)

well last last last (til nth time) month, our pc has just crashed and so all my documents, papers, videos, downloads and eherm, pictures (tragic. tsk tsk).

stupid me i forgot i have my multiply account to keep em all.

so if your inbox is flooded with my name, my apologies. it's just temporary :)

if not, then poor you (?) hahaha kiddin^^

this is not a sad post. :)

2008-11-20T21:00:00.000+08:00

actually, just random thoughts. memories. :)

"well, it's been a while.."
"oh. you noticed?"

"so after this, what happens next?"
"hmm. what do you want from me?"

"haha. will you love me in the morning? hahahaha *hicupps*"
"hmm. why don't you get sleep for yourself first?"

"do me this favor, then ill treat you dinner."
"i eat out at least three meals a day. what makes you think i can't afford buying my own dinner?"

"thanks. i know i can rely on you."
"yea. and for that i feel sorry for myself."

"i thought we're supposed to stop anything that we have?"
"i'm smart but guess, sometimes, stupid."

"i thought what we have is something serious. why then are you not talking to me?"
"why then aren't you too?"

"i miss you."
"do you even know me?"

"hmm we'll meet in school??"
"why you don't want to be seen, with me?"

"are you happy?"
"yes. until you came along."

"do you love her?"

*silence*

"do you really love her?"
"yes."

never thought im gonna have alcohol problems

2008-10-15T05:30:00.000+08:00

okay im gonna admit it. without it, i just can't move. i just can't think. my mind stops functioning and my body's so willing to cooperate with it. i am just entranced by the fizz caught in my throat and the pungent intoxication going into my head. yes, it was sensational. they said it was bad for me. but care less of it. all i want is to enjoy...drinking. to enjoy life with alcohol

alcohol is, well, a form of escape but i never thought it would lead me to another predicament.

and now i am just left with an alcohol problem.

Chemistry 27.1 (Analytical Chemistry) Problem Analysis:

Prepare an analytical method appropriate to treat tequila rose and wine.
You have 24 hours to research and prepare a written report on your chosen method.
Explain and justify the method you have chosen.

---------

as of 9:09 A.M. (after about 14 hours)

Methodology:

...uhm

First, drink.
Second, get drunk. ??

nag-inuman na lang sana. baka naka-uno pa.

nkkbskng deadma kprnnmn

2008-09-14T07:52:00.000+08:00

para sa nahirapang bumasa, "nakakabasa ka nga deadma ka pa rin naman"

na-inspire ako sa sinabi ni joyce, na na-inspire din kay kimer. ako din nung una ayoko maging doktor. nung bata pa ako (mga prep), ang pangarap ko ay maging cashier at ipasok ang kamay ko sa umaapaw na pera sa loob ng cash register, hindi sa katawan ng tao na nag-umaapaw ang dugo at may limpak limpak na internal organs. pero sa isang babaeng indecisive na tulad ko, nagbago rin ang lahat parang bagyo. (no offense, for feminists.)

kamakailan lang sabi sa news, kumokonti na daw ng populasyon ng mga doktor sa pilipinas. halos lahat sila naging nurse, nagcall center, dh o samakatwid, nangibang bansa. ironic kung isipin, habang dumrami ang intsik at koreano at hapon at indyano at arabo sa bansa, tayo naman alis nang alis, yung mga pilipino ang kumokonti. hindi sa sinisisi ko ang mga taong nangingibang bansa. kahit naman ako gusto ko rin ma-experience ang manirahan sa ibang bansa (yung medyo matagal pero hindi panghabambuhay). at kung tutuusin, aanhin mo nga naman ang maling (chinese luncheon meat) na baka expired na galing sa mga tindahan kung meron namang spam na pang-pasalubong?

pero bakit ganon, kung dumarami ang foreigners sa bansa, ibig sabihin to them, asset pa rin ang bansa natin. di mo naman kailangang maging economist to figure that out. tingnan mo ang mga chinese, meron na silang sariling city or area. at ang nakakaaliw pa, hindi lang sila nasa binondo pero bawat probinsya, may chinese area. yung mga koreano, dati sa tv at sa primetime lang natin sila nakikita, pero ngayon pumunta ka sa rob manila at magsasawa ka sa koreanovela. pero the best pa rin ang mga arabo, di mo na kailangang magpunta kung saan-saan, basta makadinig ka lang ng revv ng motor, makatanaw ka lang ng payong at pagkatapos antayin mo lang ang katok sa pinto, voila! may instant visitor ka na from that moment on! at ang nakakaaliw pa, may favorite silang password para lam mo kung sila na ba talaga yun. 5-6.

pero kidding aside, bakit sila, nakikita nila na may mapapakinabangan pa sila sa bansa natin? given na that our government provides not enough support to subsidize for our living, why not rely on ourselves, to support us? siguro nga mahirap pero mas mahirap naman kung naghihirap ka na nga tapos nakatanga ka lang na may manlaglag na grasya, diba?

sabi sa isang morning show, kung nakaraket ka man ng madaming pera, imbes na bumili ka ng ferrari, bakit hindi ka na lang bumili ng van at parentahan mo sa pagtoutour sa ibang lugar? uh-uh i know what you're thinking, mahal na rin ang gas. pero ano ang mas mahal gas o ferrari? madami daw kasi sa atin ang one-time-millionaire: extracurricular expenses > investment. inuuna pa daw natin ung makapagpapaganda ng image kesa ung makabubusog ng tyan. isipin natin, galit na galit tayo sa gobyerno kasi ung taxes natin cinoconvert lang nila sa mga commercial para mapaganda ung image nila. e ano bang ipinagkaiba ng ferrari sa gov't ads?

di ko naman sinasabi na masama ang paminsan-minsang luxury. para sa pleasure naman natin yun e. kaya lang take note, minsan lang dapat ang luxury. ibig sabihin "controlled" ang paggastos. oo nga isang beses ka lang bumili ng ferrari, pero habambuhay naman ang mahal na maintenance nun.

kaya kung pilipino ka at kahit papano, kumikita ka ng labis sa kailangan mo lang o medyo malaki ang ipon mo, pa-cheesebuger ka naman. hindi biro lang. imbes na i-indulge mo ang sarili mo sa pansamantalang kaligayahan, ikaw na mismo, bilang kapwa pilipino, ang mag-initiate na tulungan ang kapwa mo sa pamamagitan ng pag-iinvest at pag-eestablish ng trabaho para sa kanila. hopeless na ang gobyerno. pero ikaw bilang mamamayan, may kaya ka pang gawin bilang isa sa elemento ng estado. less extracurricular expenses. more investments. wag mo nang intaying padalhan ka na lang ni manang ng post card galing hongkong. at magising ka na lang na ikaw na pala ang inuutusan ng amo mong koreano.

at kung ikaw naman ay kabayang di masyadong pinalad sa salapi, pagbutihin mo ang trabaho mo. oo mahirap ang buhay pero mas mahirap pa rin kung habambuhay kang maghihirap. kung nababagalan ka sa sistema ng pag-unlad, yayain mo ang mga kasamahan mo na makiisa at patakbuhin ito. mag-aral ka kung kaya pa. at kung sakali mang mabigyan ka ng mas magandang oportunidad sa ibang bansa, huwag kang makalimot. di ka man natulungan ng gobyerno, utang mo pa rin sa lahing pilipino ang natatamasa mo. pilipino ka e kaya masipag at maabiidad ka. tska, padalhan mo din kami ng spam at reese's. :D

"is it okay if i call you mine?" the stupid song.

2008-09-06T20:42:00.000+08:00

knowing where to go is already a hard thing but knowing where you stand is way harder.

we live in a world of uncertainties. and when we try to tweak things out, straighten up the twists of our roller coaster experience, we find ourselves curled up in more questions. what could be wrong--our questionnaire because it has too many questions? or the answer because it does not single-pointedly answer any question?

what we don't openly admit is that we ask, because we wanted security. and what we openly commit is answering without no sense of assurance nor security. how else can we find the truth?

they say that the easiest way to avoid answering a question is by posing another question. i say, it is indeed the easiest, for now. time comes we have to face the same question and realize how important it is to answer it, for the sake for finding what is real. yes, the world may be uncertain but it does not entail that we don't have any right to search for what is true. we all want security, we all want assurance; but if we are too stubborn to disregard our pride and just answer the question properly, we'll just leave ourselves in discontent and recluse.

we are not monsters to forever be trapped in our self-made labyrinths. think about it, when we find ourselves lost, do we not pursue to find our way out? it is impeccable to just let ourselves die lost and wandering.

in the first place, the only reason why we built that labyrinth is to find someone, brave enough to drive us out of reclusion.

because all of us are just pathetically diagnosed with pathological need for attention.

all i have is just one question. i can't find the guts to ask you. but if you do ask me, just ask, then, yes i do. very much.

what does your last name say about you? (got this from tish)

2008-06-28T11:15:00.000+08:00

M - Best kisser ever. (haha. well, what can i say? haha kiddin. try me. lol.)
A - You like to drink. (okay. you're good. haha)
L - Everyone loves you. (oh well, thanks?)
A - You like to drink. (fine. fine.)
L - Everyone loves you. (aaw. two times in a row? that's sweet.)
U - You really like to chill. (does that make me not hot? huhu :)) )
A - You like to drink. (fine. ako na ang sunog baga haha kiddin mom! ;) )
N - You are great in bed. (hell yea. :)) in sleeping right? ;) )

> *Delete the other person's last name
> and repost this with the title "What
> does your last name say about you?"
in
> 11 minutes and something wonderful
> will happen....
>
> A : You like to drink.
> B : You like people.
> C : You are really silly.
> D : You like to drink.
> E : Awesome in bed.
> F : You are dead sexy.
> G : You never let people tell you
what
> to do.
> H : You have a very good personality
> and good looks.
> I : You really like to drink.
> J : People adore you.
> K : You're wild and crazy.
> L : Everyone loves you.
> M : Best kisser ever.
N:You are great in bed.
> O : Easy to fall in love with.
> P : You are popular with all types of
> people.
> Q : You are a hypocrite.
> R : Awesome kisser.
> S : Fuckin' crazy.
> T : You're loyal to those you love.
> U : You really like to chill.
> V : You are not judgemental.
> W : You are very broad minded.
> X : You love sports.
> Y : Best bf/gf anyone could ask for.
> Z : Always ready.

bea la fea

2008-06-28T07:16:00.000+08:00

i just neeeddd to say this out loud. (or rather type haha)

laugh. i don't care. but thanks to bea alonzo, missing you has been desecrated.

my apologies to her fans.

in the meantime, ill try to shut up.

2008-06-24T00:23:00.000+08:00

it was very funny! but with the play of words, was i playing with myself as well?

the day was not perfect; the weather was in revolt and the air was musty, instead of romantic. but that day, that night to be precise, was a breakthrough for me. after 17 years of existence, finally something was official. but was it really official?

even from the start, i have believed that the reason i was left behind is that i am reserving that special moment. because as it is, it is very special. but in a snap, that special thing happened. and im not quite sure if it's that special to me now.

i was thrilled, of course. the pact was reckless but nevertheless, fun and exhilarating. and i feel that the other party is feeling the same thing. i know that we are both laughing in our foolishness and cutesy-mushy endeavors. but for now. we're nowhere being serious; yet as i put it, we're trying to be.

and in just two more days, it may or may not expire. who knows what will happen to us?

but in the meantime, i'll try to shut up about it.

not that i am afraid to be discovered. but because i am afraid that if i hear some people tell me about it, or some people merely say it, it becomes true.

not that it's terrifying or shameful that i don't want it to be true. but for now, i just don't like to question myself how i got into this.

i am really not sure of what i am feeling but i don't want to lose yet.

and to you reader, if you don't get this post, don't try to think about it. i just want to be in the dark right now.

someday ill tell you. :)

okay cinderella, put your shoe back on!

2008-06-14T17:58:00.000+08:00

the drive was all worth it.

it was almost 8:20 and it's now or never. though she seemed to understand, i know that if i won't get to greet her last night, friendship's over. i spent two hours wailing over my friday-the-13th treat in my chic get-up and with my sweaty face. in between tears, i managed to glance at the mirror and see myself as a racoon, with my no make-up look for the night all ruined. but thanks to my acting skills and my sympathetic sister, i stripped my chic get-up and settled for pang-tambay-slash-pang-tamad-pumunta-ng-school attire--the 3 s: shorts, shirt and slippers--and looked forward to what is to happen.

funny isn't it? in a very short span of time, things spin into different situations. you cry for like hours and hours then in a spin, you get excited and then things happen, and you get happy and then after a while you get tired. for two hours, i was in hell. i was crying, it was hot, and there's no progress nor solution to my predicament. all i had at hand was a blatant idea of still going but arriving five minutes before closing. it made me feel so stupid. my insides were at war. i was totally enraged. and though i try to calm myself and to think of any possible solution, i can't stop myself from being engrossed with hatred. but just like what they say, "some bumps on the road are humps" (or was i the only one who said it?) my very late sister, the bump, understood the situation and offered to drive me there even to just drop off the gift (the hump part), using the car in good condition.

all my hatred dissolved. this is it. i didn't dare eat dinner nor brush my hair. i just ran off to the car as if every nanosecond matters. and after almost a 40 minute drive, i arrived at alcal and felt scared. take note, after a drive from makati to katipunan, i just felt scared.

honestly, i don't know what to say to her. i was thinking, "hi! i got lost. hehe" or "wow! am i too early for you little sister's debut?" or "oh. i guess i have misread 6 as 9. haha" and at the end i settled for "hi mia! haha".

but yea the drive was all worth it. though we both look tired--her eyes were less puffy than mine but still puffy (probably due to the long day), i felt that she somehow appreciated my effort. i really want to go. i've been wanting to go ever since we talked about it on the drive home from san juan. i want to go not just for the party but because it's her party. and though i'm playing favorites, she's just my favorite person. but when she laughed off at my stupidity to still go there, it felt good inside. i don't know. i just really missed this friend, a lot.

on the drive back home, i got a text message. and it was one of the sweetest (as in "friendship" sweet not lover "sweet") messages i had. i guess the friday-the-13th treat was not so friday-the-13th at all and the bumps on the road are not really that..bumpy.

i realized that for a little while, it was okay to dip a foot on hell. but still, it's better to be back on ground.

to mia: happy birthday, you know i love you. :o)

if cinderella's pumpkin has a broken motor, she'll curse it

2008-06-13T16:42:00.000+08:00

i hate people. and i hate hating them. not because "hatred is bad" blah blah drama but because as it lasts, i actually begin to hate myself more, knowing that i could've done something.

they say it is so wrong to hate but i am no saint. and the worst is, there are way too many unfortunate events that trigger us to hate. and if there's someone else in this world who can possibly suppress their hatred--for meddling people, for an uncooperating fate and for themselves, please. die now.

no matter how hard you try to prevent yourself from placing a foot to hell, you are human, we all are, and it is normal to burn your foot. if that's what you truly feel, then by any means, don't stop. maybe a little trip to hell would do us good to make us realize, we don't want to go back there again. and if so, we would find a way, an immediate solution to our bad fate.

and right now, i just want to stay on hell for a little longer.

a first for everything

2008-04-29T06:11:00.000+08:00

another day is to end and while the orange skies are in battle with the forthcoming night, the temperate breeze of summer was defeated by the surge of emotions of two lovers. they wanted the world to stop, and let them have the moment of their lives as they rest upon each others' arms and watch while the day fades away. they tried to enjoy the moment while it lasts but at the back of their minds, they know, that tomorrow, the sunset will be forever.

and with great love, they uttered the words that would dictate what they would become for forever. a promise. a promise of love for the rest of their lives.

even beyond death.

my mother came home yesterday with good news that my grandmother, whom we refer to as "lola mami", is regaining her strength and eating again after seeing her children over the weekend. my mom brought home mouth-watering delicacies and specialties from bicol and all of us were too engrossed to try all. while eating, she related all the events while she was there.

"...kahit ako nalilimutan na ni lola mami mo. pero alam mo, may isang tao siyang hindi makalimutan--si Eddie Garcia."

and like mimicking cristy fermin, my mom recounted the story of Eddie Garcia, the infamous and award-winning actor, who starred a leading role with over hundreds of movies, and my lola.

eddie garcia came from a wealthy family whose ancestors are all Spanish. in lieu of their unextravagant but very comfortable life, never did they realize that someday, they will lose all their wealth due to betrayal of a relative. this predicament made him more determined to venture in entertainment business. at that time, he was still pacita's (my lola's name) boyfriend and would always call her "pacing" as a term of endearment. pacita was one of the most eligible bachelorettes in the barrio and her father was the highly respected mayor of the town.

because eddie garcia was close to pacita's family, the lady's father aided his family with their necessities as they struggle to live a better life. but eddie garcia knew he cannot depend on pacita's father all his life; so he decided to go to okinawa and find his fortune there.

everyone knew that this compromise will be very difficult to the two lovers. and although no one said anything about it, pacita's heart was obviously shattered now that she has to face the love of her life, leaving her. because of this, a promise was made between the two. eddie garcia promised that when he comes back, they are bound to get married.

and that was how pacita got engaged for the first time.

but destiny was very tricky. to reasons i don't know, pacita married another guy and not her first love. she gave birth to two children and unfortunately, her husband died. she remarried and bore another two children but then got separated from her husband. she then had an affair and bore another two children but because the guy's family disproved of her, her youngest child with that man was denied by her father. and for the last time, she had another relationship and bore a child but it was not at all successful.

she had lots of relationships, with children as the fruit of love, but all of them just failed.

and all of them were not with her first love.

"...si ponching, naalala mo? si dikong naalala mo? si eduardo crisini? eh sino naalala mo, si eddie garcia? tapos, ayun umo-oo siya.."

my mom has a theory why my grandmother never got over eddie garcia. she thinks that my grandmother, in her lifetime, has lived with guilt that she never fulfilled her promise to her first love and now that she feels weak to sustain her life, she aches the need that for the last time, she would see her first love and get over the guilt that she has been tending all her life.

and maybe, finally be at peace.

it is funny how the things we thought to be figments only of our imagination be made into reality in some people's lives. destiny really has a way of playing with us. but the consequence of it all is still dependent on our decision, on our choice to believe or to refuse and kill the hope for any possibility. and maybe our own fairytales are ways of telling us, that things really do or do not happen for a reason. and though things may not happen for now, who knows, it may happen in the future.

life is so unsure but the least we could do is to entertain possibilities.:)

who knows? one day our life can be definite after all.

summahlicious

2008-03-30T15:04:00.000+08:00

tok. tok. tok. at our door knocked mr. water guy to deliver water (of course). there i was home alone and feeling remorse for eating unripened mangoes with alamang. i really thought that i could deal with eating alamang (which is shrimp paste) although i know i am allergic to it. when mr. water guy knocked, i was waiting for my sister to fetch me and take me to the hospital. and why was i remorseful? because i know that i'll have to wait for my inflammed face to subside and chances are, i am gonna miss my friend's farewell party. :((

anyway, going back to mr. water guy. i opened the door and he asked, "hey babe, what's up? yo want watah?" okay. i know i'm bubble girl in red fashion but does allergy entail hallucinations? "ano kuya?" i replied. and with that disturbingly nangmamata look he replied, "haller, yo ordered tubig diba? haller" okay. that was a bit weird. not because he doesn't deserve speaking in english but because it was dumbfoundingly weird to have the once simple kuya to be speaking in gangsta language.

prior to this incident, i had a fair share of kaek-ekan texts (which are not barok but isomorphic to barok, as a friend describes it). my favorite: "hi! gud gv poh." that i have mistakenly thought to be the local radio station in lipa (gv fm).obviously this was not inspired by the "gangsta language". but conversely, it shows how overrated we are becoming for the effort (make it excessive effort) to make a statement, to build a trend.

are these changes in language part of modernization, or are we simply becoming posers, just to fit in?

i do not wish to make a big deal out of this trend nor do i wish to mock the people who use them.

but the things is, do we really need to make fools out of ourselves just to fit in?

do we really need to wear sweaters under shirts and under boleros and under jackets just because it is in style?

do we really need to apply thick eyeliners even if we know we are to stay in school?

do we really need to smoke a pack of cigarettes in public just because our "groupies" are?

there is nothing wrong to imitate or to change if it is for comfort..for the better.

but if it is for making another loser,

maybe change is unnecessary.

messing up is a must in this mix up. :)

2008-03-12T15:52:00.000+08:00

every incident is a fragment of our reality. we extract the meaning of each fragment and label them as an experience. experiences exist as separate entities and our mind weaves them into a certain sequence, to see that our life has logic, has sense and sensibility. and through that sequence, we fabricate its purpose, as implied by reality. and so the cycle continues..

******

i miss writing for writing's sake. it's not that i'm losing practice in this passion but i just realized that i write mostly about school stuff and not about "stuff" overflowing in my head. it really terrifies me that someday i am going to lose my passion and divert into other things--new things that i was not fully accustomed with.

in one interview, i remember myself saying, "this is my passion. with the field i am at, i realized that science is obviously not a fan of art. there are less and less chances that i am to utilize my skills. and without practice, i may lose them. it's suicide for me." chances are, i am beginning to doubt my interest and it seems that i am drifting and that my passion is wavering. that is why i wanted to take that job or any job with the same specifications. at least i know, it'll save me.

i once read that, "only fools do not doubt their skills." it was good to know that i am smart enough to be hesistant. but if wise people do the best they can to secure those skills,

i crave to be much wiser.

*****

was it what i really wanted? or was i too consumed with the exquisite pain of wanting something so unattainable?

i know that because things did not happen, the mere thought of it haunts me, thinking what could've happened when it did happen. and so, i clinged onto to every hope that he'll see me in a different light-- a light only focused on me. i waited. i played his game, rode his ride. i did the most decent way of letting him know i am here and i am waiting.

but how could you be with someone who sees you..and sees them?

the thought of love thrills me, but the waiting part is becoming too painful.

carrie bradshaw of sex and the city asks, "are we masochists or simply just optimists?"

for quite some time i believed, i am an optimist. i learned to be patient and loved every moment, thinking that it is progressing, hoping that we're moving on. take note, not just me but WE. i gave this relationship the benefit of the doubt. i opened my mind that maybe, it was his way of showing love, that maybe he is really sincere and that this is not just any petty hookup--this was something real.

but how can you hope for something that keeps its presence, unidentified?

i waited for proof. but it only led to more lies and disappointment.

then it dawned to me, i am a masochist after all.

i was consumed with wanting something so unattainable, so impossible. i relied too much on fairytales that i could change him, that i could be his biggest motivation, that i was and am the best thing that could ever happen in his life.

the sad thing is, we don't share the same fantasy

or maybe we do, but that same fantasy is shared to his "others" too.

it's just too tedious to be a space-filler. and i just can't allow to see myself that low.

this time i promise myself to draw the line. waiting is one reason, being used is another. i should've learned when it once happened but its recurrence is definitely a ground for termination. i have to love myself before "him".

then it hit me, i know i am now free. for the pain is not so exquisite anymore.

*****

when you lost a candy, don't cry over it, buy one. the dating market opens a lot of options you may choose from. it does not necessarily favor being an ultimate playgirl, but at least it opens up possibilities of more feasible and more "hope-able" potential relationships.

let's take the context of "moving on"--we cannot move on if we have no destination yet. so "moving on" generally requires a new settling place, and equipped with the pain of a bad experience, this time, we make our standards way more precise than before.

when the market opened to me, i regretted refusing it. honestly, i met a great deal of better and much-oh better people than i expected. i made good friends and potential "special friends". but i refused!! just because of my masochism. nevertheless, i dn't blame myself too much for that. my reaction, i believe, is perfectly normal--especially from someone like me who's too delusional to still believe in fairytales turning into realities.

lesson learned? never lt you children read fairytales about princesses and prince charmings. coerce them to read only little red riding hood, emperor's new clothes, wizard of oz and fairytales with no love affairs.

no. just kidding.

it's perfectly normal to read and believe, you just have to learn when to draw the line.

and when you do, it's time to move on.

if things recur, just make sure it's not with the same person.:)

remember, when you lose a candy, don't cry over it. get yourself a new one.

you deserve something much better.

*****

i want to establish my own coffee shop someday. i promise myself that.

with the surge of the joint partnership of my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, i became alot busier with managing my time between my acads and my interest in helping them out. we are all first timers and we admit that we have to learn the ropes fast for the sake of the business. which is why in every possible occasion, we need full cooperation and interest in fulfilling the job.

but for two weeks of operation, we have been tested with a lot of things and have used our skills and reason to find solutions for all the problems. the work (of course mine was less) is strenuous to all, but the fulfillment of service and profit is our motivation.

this experience only proved to me that great things come from gigantic efforts. in an economist's view, our investment is directly proportional to profit. of course, a businessman may always counter that there are wins and losses in any business but all-in-all, seeing that there are people who actually enjoy what you offer them, people who appreciate your efforts, people who support and stay with you and people who work with you and rely on what you've put up is already a GREAT profit.

nevertheless, cash is very much appreciated. :))

first time ko.

2008-02-18T20:11:00.000+08:00

this day turned out fine. and normal. haha anyway, ther wer lots of thing sthat have happened especially my "movie date with chaperon". we watched jumper, btw.:)

anyway, i just can't forget my dove prediction for the day. it says something like, "remmebr your "first" things." so here i am, with my firsts......

the first time you. . .

Drank alcohol?
**i think i was in grade four. and sa batangas kasi when you're in a group of old sunog baga guys, they'll always ask you to tagay or to drink what they are drinking. bawal kasi dun ang mahinhin. haha so i kinda remmebered that i drank ginebra san miguel with them. :)

Got kissed?
**by him. and it was AWESOME haha^^ (i'll give no further details.)

Got your heart broken?
**by him. and it was NOT awesome. huhu

i think i cried in front of the pc while he's describing how happy he is with that girl. haha grabe, i just can't believe that after all this time, i'm still stuck with him.

Got arrested?
**nope. not yet. haha hopefully, NEVER

Smoked a cigarette?
**i really don't want to because i love my lips too well never wanting to see them turn black. eeeeewww^^

Lost someone close to you?
**good for me, i have not yet lost any person so close to me. (and i really don't want to)

but last 2003, i lost my grandfather. he was my mother's father and for almost 40 years of my mother's life, she has lived in the pain of knowing that her father abandoned her and even denied her as a daughter. the summer before my late lolo died was the first time after 40 years that my mother actually saw him. of course, it was absolutely awkward. and as we know, grown-ups try not to speak of the past for their fear of giving away their vulnerability and weakness. however, during the latter days of our stay, my mom gave in and cried on my grandfather's shoulder saying, "akala ko galit ka sa akin. kasi.. ayaw mo sa akin diba?" and although my grandfather was too consumed with his pride, he still managed to show how much he cared for my mother after all this time and how much he regretted the days when he rejected my mother and lola mommy (my mother's mother, as we call her).

then on 2003, my grandfather died. at least before he left us, he was able to spend even just a summer with his denied child, my mom.

okay so much for the crayola:')

Broken a bone?
**uh-uh. and i don't want to! haha^^

Got cheated on?
**if you meant by a boyfriend, not applicable. haha^^ it's really hard to label an "act" as deception especially if you had an agreement that the relationship has no "exclusivity". :)

Rode the city bus?
**when i was still, three years old. we were going to baguio ata. but my i am not really conscious pa by then. so i guess i'll consider me nd my mom's frequent trips to manila (going to her office in cubao) when i was in prep. i rememeber how i looked forward to going to sm cubao or riding the carousel ride in fiesta carnival. haha^^ i can still vividly remember how araneta center looked like even before gateway was established. :)

and due to excitement, i even rememebered peeing in my panties while we're still in my mom's office. haha^^

Went to a concert?
**i don't remember what my age was. but i do remember that it was martin nievera. i can still rmeember how i outsmarted the bouncers and crawled between legs of people just to reach the stage and touch the hand of martin nievera. he was sweating profuely all over his body, but to me it was all like the Fountain of Youth! haha i even wiped my hanky on his hand. :p

talk about obsession.

Met someone famous?
**ooooh. i first saw fpj from afar. i was seven i think when i saw him. actually we were stuck in traffic during that time because his movie's crew was all over the place, filming a chase scene. haha^^

looved his patilla. :p

Dyed your hair?
**no way! there were so many times i was asked if i dyed my hair because it has streaks of brown. but i just reasoned out that it is because i have dry hair. and i am not mestiza or something. haha^^ but i like my hair color the way it is.

Got your own cell phone?
**sixth grade. it was my graduation gift for claiming the salutatorian spot. haha^^

after almost two years, my sister almost killed me. (haha exaggerration.) because i lost it in megamall when my mom and i were shopping for clothes and the mall was packed with party-goers for the san mig oktoberfest. the bag i was carrying had no zipper in it which is why my phne, most probably fell o the ground. we tried calling it, for several hours no one answered which meant that no one got it. then later on, some Visayan guy answered and told us some things in his dialect and then hanged up on us. we tried calling again and the phone was switched off.

so much for trying. it's now gone. it's 3630, i think. and it was my sister's first gift for me on her first salary.

Had a boy/girl friend?
**i have several girl friends and boy friends. :) that is what you're asking for, right? hehe^^

Got the Internet?
**first year highschool. i was even among the first users of friendster when it became famus in the "working crowd" from manila. (my sister actually persuaded me to sign up) i can still remember chi and i were convincing our classmates to also sign up during our computer classes. but they said yes and yet did nothing. later on when the "friendster fever" was evidently widespread did they only try to sign up. hahaha trend-setters:)

i even remembered that i am going bananas with yahoo! games esp. text twist--nerdock.

Snuck out of the house?
**i had chicken pox then and i'm in recovery stage. (3rd year) but this guy insisted on visiting and talking to me. i know my father would go ballistic if he sees a guy inside the house so i went out and talked to the guy while we were in our terrace. i actually felt bad for the guy 'cause it appeared like i'm driving him away. but this weasel seemed so eager to see me, so why not give him a chance? :p haha^^

Got your own digital camera?
**i was in second year. actually it's supposed to be mine kaso my sisters are always bossing me around which is why i can't use it. and i'm not that vain or cam-whoric during that time so it's fine with me. unfortunately, i broke our camera. hehe^^ but we have new one naman i just miss working with that old cutie. i prefer old things kasi mas gamay mo na. (gamay in english means something one is used to or one is an expert in using it)

Lost a wallet?
**twice sa school. i just don't remember the first time. all i can remember is that i became so sad because i lost my one and only cutes prep grad pic! i still have a short hair then na para talagang boy! haha :D

anyway, i had fun reminiscing my firsts and i really feel sleepy now so bye bye! :D

because it's alot easier to copy-paste

2008-02-12T21:39:00.001+08:00

i know it's eccentric and baduy to actually read posted q&a's from the net, but i still don't have that "dulce" to write about my recent insight on things (although there are gazillion things that have happened). so here i am posting my second blow of q&a's.

i got this from griz, my sister in cya, who grabbed this from some carlos, i don't know personally. anyway it's really ice to bring back things of the past. it reminds you of the funny and worth-keeping moments and the not-so nice moments. haha^^

to my classmates and batchmates before, come on! let's stroll back to memory lane.

senior year in la salle: (lipa ha^^)

. What section were you?
|| LS 206. cream of the crop :) (na garaje sa intrams. always. haha)

. Who was your adviser?
|| goldfish. :)

for me, bulldog would be more appropriate.

. How many were you in one class?
|| 45 or 43? im not so sure. haha

. Who were your seatmates?
|| hmm i just remember--april dawn, raquel, joanne, hazel^^ , ami?, rizelle?

ah! basta i am always noisy wherever they place me.

. Still remember your english teacher?
|| maam samonte. and her bestfriend miss buquir. who could forget the bouncing duos. haha oops. not bouncing i meant beautiful :) swear. amputi nila. i'm sooo jealous

. What was your first class?
|| homeroom with goldfish. and every tues ba or thursday(?) we always have this "mission collection" when each column were encouraged to donate money for a good cause naman. however we ended up competing with one another, pressuring each other to give a tremendous amount of money. it's okay lang naman, it's just that the essence of giving is replaced by the greed to be the group with the greatest contribution. and instead of a voluntary work, we feel coerced to give. the coercive force: ang mapabanggit sa bulletin the next day. i even remembered mia once considered this for her editorial.

. Who was your best friend[classmate]?
|| make that friends--sibs barkada.

. Who did you like?
|| i like my kabarkada ciempre. my friends and seatmates and classmates and some of my batchmates. basta i like people who are fun-loving and who i can easily get along with. and who are not that shallow to not talk to us because of some silent feud between the other sections and the cream section. mayabang daw kasi ang cream, which is absolutely not true! maingay lang talaga kami.

. Made friends to the lower years?
|| yes. i did make friends. special friends. :)

. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend?
|| no boyfriend ever since i first entered college lobby(fave gate ng school). girlfriend? almira claimed she was my girlfriend and that i fancied her. i admit i'm affectionate but of course it's totally fallacious. (erroneous pa nga e) i forgave her. i understand that she's just...delusional.

*oops. im dead meat. hehe^^*

. How was your class schedule?
|| 7am-4pm. we have recess in the morning which is just 20 minutes or so (considering class extensions). then we have an hour for lunch--30 minutes for deciding and buying food from food palace and 30 minutes for eating at the hacienda:)

. Made any enemies?
|| i did. many? hmm so-so, i guess. but i can never forget domingo, my favorite. enemy and stalker in one! and take note, he looks like the shrek versin of muble from happy feet. with matching shark-like na hair with gel, penguin-y pimply face and distracting bigote.

. Who was your favorite teacher?
|| mama teng. forever. :-x much loved.

she always calls my name to pray. and then i always tease her about her shiny superficial hair (haha) and how we tease her with her affiliations with vic and joey. (vic loreto and joey lirio) :D

. What sport did you play?
|| basketball. and chess! haha
i'll never forget bernadett when she participates in volleyball games during the intrams. lagi daw pasok sa other court. in fairness to her at least di patalikod ung direction nung ball. (unlike someone i know, ako pala un!)

. Did you buy your lunch?
|| yes! sa sam's pasta. which will now have an official branch at vito cruz, near providence and st.'s scho. yes you heard it right. :) it's name would be sam's na lang. it's a joint venture of my two sisters. and i really pray the sales will boom!

. Were you a party animal?
|| oh yes! everyday sa room.

. Were you well known in your school?
|| i don't really know. hello, i can't just harass everyone and ask 'hey, do you know me?'
and even if i can, i still won't. it's social suicide.

. SKIP SCHOOl?
|| nope. never. but i did went out of class one time to run to laboratory stockroom and ask a GREAT favor from dear sir adel--to provide me free printing services for our research paper. no one especially the admin must know that sir adel actually let me print in their pc. hihi^^

sir adel is one of the major reasons why i graduated.

. Did you get suspended/expelled?
|| uh-uh. i was a good girl. and still am! i think:) hihi^^

. Can you sing the alma mater?
|| eherm. eherm.

hail, hail alma mater. hail to de la salle. we hold your banner high and bright, ashield of green and white. we'll fight to keep our glory bright. and never shall we fail! hail to thee our alma mater! hail! hail! hail!

say mo?.

. What was your favorite subject?
|| recess, lunch......no it was english and economics:D and electronics coz sir lara's sooo hmm yummy when you sniff him

. What is your school's full name?
|| De La Salle Lipa Integrated School

. Did you go to the dances?
|| if you mean JS Prom, yep. and i went with no date. :)

. If you could go back in time and do
it all over, would you?
|| definitely.

. What do you remember most about 4th
year?
|| too many things actually--the frequent amazing race moments to accomplish our investigatory project in physics and research paper in english, defeat in mass dance :(, winner sa lipsynch and the "computer exam" incident

. Favorite memory in 4th year?
|| retreat!! twas the best:D and the xmas party we had at the maderazo's mansion

. Worst memory in 4th year?
|| "computer exam" incident. haha^^ and the stress of research paper, bulik and i.p.

and ang panggigipit nila sa budget ng school paper

. Where did you go most often for
break?
|| recess: we stay sa room if may permit. if wala, we run from the lm or guard who's making rounds or we insist we need to go for "bulik purposes". lunch: hacienda! coolest place^^

. What did you do on the last day of
school?
|| if graduation day would be the last day, then grumaduate:)

if you meant the real last day, hmm fuss over my radio which i paid a mechanic to do and yet it didn't function. and chat with friends:)

. How was your graduation?
|| the set-up of the stage was absolutely gorgeous. but throughtout th grad program, me and my seatmeates are very noisy. hehe^^

okay i need to sleep now. yuchengco pa tom.

because it's alot easier to copy-paste

2008-02-12T21:39:00.000+08:00

to my classmates and batchmates before, come on! let's stroll back to memory lane.

senior year in la salle: (lipa ha^^)

. What section were you?
|| LS 206. cream of the crop :) (na garaje sa intrams. always. haha)

. Who was your adviser?
|| goldfish. :)

. Who was your favorite teacher?
|| mama teng. forever. :-x much loved.

she always calls my name to pray. and then i always tease her about her shiny superficial hair (haha) and how we tease her with her affiliations with vic and joey. (vic loreto and joey lirio) :D

sir adel is one of the major reasons why i graduated.

. Did you get suspended/expelled?
|| uh-uh. i was a good girl. and still am! i think:) hihi^^

. Can you sing the alma mater?
|| eherm. eherm.

okay i need to sleep now. yuchengco pa tom.

pop. can't think of anything else.

2008-02-10T22:19:00.000+08:00

i was just rummaging thru profiles and profiles of i-don't-really-know-who and found awfully lots of q&a's. i guess there are really some people who have nothing else to do. and so again, for the lame reason of having "something" to post, i copied one q&a and answered it by myself.

but i promised myself that i'll actually make something substantial when i'll have more free time. (i wish i'll have one!)

haha,anyway. have fun. that is, if there will be.

[One] Who was your last text from?
- a gm from a friend in school. but the second to the last, was insatiable:-x haha

[Two] Where was your primary picture
taken at?
- for my friendster account and multiply account--in my room.one sa wall, the other sa floor.

[Three] What's your middle initial?
- M. what's the point?

[Four] Your current relationship
status?
- single and available... with certain conditions of availability.

[Five] Does your crush(s) like you
back?
- what's there not to like? haha joke^^ hmm i wish?

[Six] What is your current mood?
- not sleepy when i'm supposed to be.

[Seven] What's your moms name?
- marissa. again, what's the point?

[Eight] What color shirt are you
wearing?
- how sure are you that i'm even wearing one?

haha. pink. with tiny flowers

[Nine] What was the last thing you
drank ?
- coffee. 1 hott mug. yum!

[Ten] If you could go back in time and
change something, would you?
- yes. i'd change awfully lots of things. ;) i have to admit, it hurts me that i hurt other people in the past.

but first

i'll start with my logs. err.. legs. you know, eat less carbs to trim them down.

[Eleven] Have a crazy side?
- not just a side. :o)

[Twelve] Favorite song?
- can you help me by usher :'c

[Thirteen] Something you do a lot?
- watch tv. eat. sleep. play ratatouille in my psp (hehe). update my friendster and multiply accounts. and cam-whoring!!

[Fourteen] Angry at anyone?
- yes. the person who did this questionnaire.

[Fifteen] Do you wanna see somebody
- if you mean right now, no thanks. i don't think i'd like to see a floating body. (or silhouette)

but if you mean tomorrow and the next day and the next day.. ahm. definitely:D

or else it would only mean i have gone blind.

[Sixteen] Name someone with the same
birthday as you?
- james lafferty. nathan scott of one tree hill. dolphy, king of phil comedy.

we, leos, are always in the limelight:)

[Seventeen] When was the last time you
cried?
- when i was awake for 24 hours and i knew i was cramming. as in uber cramming to finish my chem lab report! (eew. nerdock)

...and also when, i missed someone. like i do right now. (haha stop it!)

[Eighteen] Who would you do anything
for?
- my parents, i owe them bigtime!

my friends--sibs and bff's. they deserve being treated like queens:o)

and.. no one na.

[Nineteen] Who is your idol?
- april boy regino and his cap? non-stop supply e.

[Twenty] What's the first thing you
notice about the opposite sex
- nice hands. nice shoulders. i am gonna melt for real!

[Twenty-two] What's your biggest
secret?
- if i tell you then i'll have to murder you.

[Twenty-three] Where is your ex?
- not applicable.

[Twenty-four] Favorite movie?
- serendipity:) and 50first dates and ghost! (demi moore, much loved:-x)

[Twenty-five] Do you still watch kiddy
movies or tv shows?
- YES. i even spent 120 bucks only to watch alvin and the chipmunks. haha

[Twenty-six] What are you eating or
drinking at the moment?
- eating my nails.

[Twenty-seven] Do you speak any other
dialect?
- ala eh tagalog lamang.

counted ba pag lam ko ung ambot sa imo?

[Twenty-eight] Whats your favorite
smell?
- sweet pea from bath&body, gap dream, gucci envy and d&g light blue

pati pala kampupot.

[Twenty-nine] Describe your life in
one word, what would it be?
- indefinite.

yours ba definite?

[Thirty-one] Do you like the rain?
- no way! i like looong showers but not the rain. kasi it gets into my shoes and wets my feet!

[Thirty-two] What are you thinking
about right now?
- when will you stop asking me questions

[Thirty-three] What should you be
doing?
- sleeping

[Thirty-six] Do you like working in
the yard?
- backyard. as in garden? yes. kasi i have a green mind este green thumb. haha (im shrek! corny.)

but if you meant in a lumberyard, no thanks. i have troso legs, but i won't sell them.

[Thirty-eight] Do you act differently
around the person you like?
- no! i only blab, get nervous, twitch my eyelids, ignore his eyes, bite my lips...

different ba un?

[Thirty-nine] What is your natural
hair color?
- black with streaks of brown (kasi i have dry hair. huhu)

[Fourty] Who was the last person to
make you smile?
- him. he always does. and i hate him for it!

and si manong guard sa baba kasi pagsmile nya, wow! see-thru :D

rawr. here comes the golden lion.

2008-02-04T13:26:00.000+08:00

got this from mia. and for the effort of updating my blog, i'm gonna post this. i am a golden lion! ha! so beware. i'm gonna bite anytime :)

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE AS CUTE AS MICHAEL SCOFIELD. PREPARE TO BE DEVOURED. HAHA

go on! try it :)

Which animal are you?

1) Would you classify yourself as someone who is involved in sports? (Ex. You take soccer)
a) Yes (Go to question 2)
b) No (Go to question 3)

2) You would classify yourself as:
a) A nerd/loser (go to question 7)
b) A bully (go to question 3)
c) An average guy/girl (go to question 5)

3) Would you accept money from a stranger?
a) Yes (Go to question 5)
b) No (Go to question 4)

4) If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
a) Oak (Go to question 10)
b) Weeping Willow (Go to question 8)
c) Fir Tree (Go to question 9)

5) A movie you wanted to see closed down. What will you do?
a) Go home (go to question 7)
b) Go see a different movie (go to question 6)
c) Go do something else (go to question 4)

6) A mysterious hooded stranger arrives at your house. You are most likely to:
a) Greet him/her (go to question 8)
b) Hide and make them think you’re not home (go to question 9)
c) Call the cops (go to question 7)
d) Yell though the door “I’ve got a gun” ( go to question 7)

7) Would you call yourself strong (physically or mentally Which ever you want)?
a) Yes (go to question 8)
b) No (Go to question 10)

8) There is an earthquake. What will you do?
a) Go out and help anyone in need (go to question 10)
b) Go to a safe place with family an friends (go to question 9)
c) Panic and wait for someone to help you (Go to Profile P)

9) You buy ice cream, and a kid comes up to you and tells you he's really hungry and hasn't eaten in days. Your reaction will be:
a) To stick the ice cream in his face and run away (go to profile Y)
b) To ignore him and eat your ice cream (go to profile A)
c) To give him your ice cream (Go to Question 11)
d) you think he is lying (go to profile U)

10) Your friend challenges you to a game. What will your answer be?
a) "Bring it on!"(Go to question 11)
b) “Fine.” (Go to question 15)
c) "Leave me alone!"(Go to question 14)
d) "Sorry, but I really don't feel like it."(Go to question 12)

11) You are going to take a quiz (like the one in school). Your score is most likely to be:
a) Perfect (go to Profile B)
b) Enough to pass (go to question 12)
c) A failing mark. I don't actually care anyways. (Go to Profile R)
d) I don’t know (go to question 25)

12) How many friends do you have?
a) One only (go to question 13)
b) About three to five (go to question 18)
c) A LOT!(go to question 14)

13) Are you constantly?
a) Bullied? (Go to question 15)
b) Feared by others? (Go to Profile G)
c) Idolized? (Go to profile D)

14) The food you eat is usually:
a) Cheap (go to question 17)
b) Expensive (go to question 16)
c) Both! I love food! (Go to question 22)

15) Do you believe in the saying, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
a) Yes (go to profile C)
b) No (Go to Profile F)

16) Do you believe in true love?
a) Yes (go to question 17)
b) No (Go to question 22)

17) You see your crush. You are most likely to:
a) Flirt with him/her (go to Profile E)
b) Run away (go to question 20)
c) Act mean to him/her (go to Profile L)
d) Act normal (go to question 24)

18) One of your bad traits (among these) are:
a) Being noisy/talkative (go to Profile W)
b) None at all. I'm perfect!(go to Profile I)
c) Being shy (go to question 19)

19) What do you think about nerds/geeks/smart people?
a) They're okay (go to Profile H)
b) EWWWWW!!!!!! (Go to question 21)
c) They’re know-it-alls (go to question 20)

20) Someone asks you: "What do you know about the Industrial Revolution?” Your response would be
a) "Yawn…” (Go to Profile J)
b) "Oh, I know all about it!"(Go to question 23)
c) "Umm… I think I remember it from somewhere…"(Go to profile M)
d) “Why do you want to know!?” (Go to profile E)

21) Someone goes up to you and says: "Did you know that eating glue makes your brain stronger?” Your initial response would be
a) Really?!(Go to question 23)
b) Yeah, right! (Go to Profile U)
c) That’s nice (go to profile L)

22) If you were in a human food chain, where would you put yourself?
a) At the bottom… I'm low-class…. (Go to Profile X)
b) At the very top! I'm the predator of all predators! (Go to Profile N)
c) Somewhere in the middle, I guess… (Go to question 19)

23) Would you call yourself hardworking?
a) Yes (go to profile K)
b) No (go to question 24)
c) Uhhh… Sometimes (go to profile Q)
d) no, more then yes (go to question 24)

24) If you had a special power, which power would you want to have?
a) The power to be invisible (Go to Profile T)
b) The power to be the greatest person on Earth!(Go to Profile S)
c) The power to be the fastest thing alive! (Go to Profile V)
d) I don't need special powers. (Go to question 25)
e) the power to teleport ( go to question 26)

25) You are known as:
a) A loner (Go to Profile Z)
b) A good friend to all (Go to Profile AB)
c) A food expert (Go to profile AC)
d) A Marjory fun person (Go to Profile AD)
e) A person with a split personality (Go to Profile AE)
f) a weird person ( go to profile Y)

26) Witch one of these is a good attribute about you?
a) You are flexible (go to question 27)
b) You are strong, mentally or physically (go to question 25)
c) You are retarded (go to profile AE)
d) You are normal (go to profile H)

27) Who do you hang out with?
a) Smart people (go to question 25)
b) Gangsters (go to profile F)
c) Weird people (go to profile AF)
d) Every one (go to profile AG)

A. Peach Pig
-You are a big, lazy slob. Yet, you have a lot of strength but are afraid to use it.
-Soul mate: Magenta Squirrel
-In conflict with: Ocre and gray Dolphin

B. Blue Fox
-You are a born leader who cannot resist a challenge. You are driven to excel and a perfectionist.
-Soul mate: Yellow Trout
-In conflict with: Indigo Beaver

C. Pink Sloth
-You are an outcast; A follower, socially inept. You are the lowest of all animology, mainly because you smell of overripe fruit.
-Soul mate: Silver Badger
-In conflict with: Tawny Mouse

D. Teal Cat
-You are as swift as a ninja. You can be soft-hearted and cruel at the same time, and extremely hard to please
-Soul mate: Beige raccoon
-In conflict with: Red Jaguar

E. Yellow Trout
-You are extremely self-centered and only think of yourself. You are also very whiny and annoying to others, but you are able to get away with it. Aside from that, you have slow reactions, except when you're in love.
-Soul mate: Blue fox
-In conflict with: Green Puppy

F. Blue Baboon
-An aggressive animology, especially to your enemies. You also have quick reflexes, but it takes you an unnaturally long time to remember something.
-Soul mate: Purple bat
-In conflict with: Red weasel

G. Red Weasel
-You are an extreme know-it-all, even if you're not perfect. You are also noisy, but far from hardworking.
-Soul mate: Brown Iguana
-In conflict with: Blue baboon

H. Silver Badger
-You are very loyal to others and hardworking. You are a good friend, even if others find you sometimes a bit boring.
-Soul mate: Pink Sloth
-In conflict with: White Tiger

I. Orange Snake
-Like the snake itself, you are cunning and very boastful. You love to be the best, even if you're not, but you try hard enough.
-Soul mate: Periwinkle Cow
-In conflict with: Gray Chicken

J. Green Puppy
-You are very patient, but often moody. You like to strike when least expected, even if you're not exactly what one would call observant.
-Soul mate: Fuchsia Possum
-In conflict with: Yellow Trout

K. Indigo Beaver
-You are very resourceful and patient, but you are often naïve and fall for others' traps. Luckily, you get out of most of them.
-Soul mate: Lavender cheetah
-In conflict with: Blue fox

L. Purple Bat
-You are often blind to the world, and because of this, you use your heart to sense things. Yet, you are feared by other animologies, because you don't always listen to what your heart has to say, and you end up doing cruel things.
-Soul mate: Blue baboon
-In conflict with: Golden Lion

M. Black Sheep
-You are different from other animologies. Even if some people think you are weak and are a disgrace, your heart always remains strong and pure.
-Soul mate: Maroon Panda
-In conflict with: Magenta Squirrel

N. Golden Lion
-You consider yourself as the king of all animologies and have a lot of dignity. But despite this statement, you are lazy and often end up embarrassing yourself.
-Soul mate: White Tiger
-In conflict with: Silver Badger

O. Brown Iguana
-You are quiet and often stay in one place pondering your next move. You are not a threat to other animologies, even if your strikes are quite lethal.
-Soul mate: Red Weasel
-In conflict with: Fuchsia Possum

P. Gray Chicken
-You are cowardly, and quick to react. When danger strikes, you immediately run away, only thinking of yourself.
-Soul mate: Tawny Mouse
-In conflict with: Orange Snake

Q. White Tiger
-You are unique; A graceful yet cunning animology. Yet, even with your strength, you are very easy prey to others.
-Soul mate: Golden Lion
-In conflict with: Silver Badger

R. Scarlet Bear
-You are constantly a bully to others, but wit is your ultimate weakness. Another disadvantage is that you're slow, but make up with your great amount of strength.
-Soul mate: Saffron Rabbit
-In conflict with: Periwinkle Cow

S. Red Jaguar
-Extremely quick, but you are easy to trick. All of your senses are quite strong, but you get caught, mainly because of too much pride in yourself, which causes insecurity.
-Soul mate: Tan Giraffe
-In conflict with: Teal Cat

T. Tawny Mouse
-A shy and quiet animology, but when you're by yourself, you are very active and peppy. Even if you are timid, you have a strong inner self.
-Soul mate: Gray Chicken
-In conflict with: Pink Sloth

U. Bronze Goat
-You are hard working, but only think of yourself. Yet, you are very clever and often self-confident.
-Soul mate: Ocre and gray Dolphin
-In conflict with: Beige Raccoon

V. Saffron Rabbit
-You are shy but pure, and quick. You are sensitive but friendly. However, you can never seem to stay in one place.
-Soul mate: Scarlet bear
-In conflict with: Lavender Cheetah

W. Fuchsia Possum
-You are extremely talkative, peppy, and like to make a lot of noise. People sometimes find you annoying, but you don't care because you always love to have fun.
-Soul mate: Green Puppy
-In conflict with: Brown Iguana

X. Periwinkle Cow
-You are lazy but content with your simple life. Aside from this, you are very helpful, even if you won't admit it.
-Soul mate: Orange Snake
-In conflict with: Scarlet Bear

Y. Lavender Cheetah
-You are the fastest and most agile of all animologies. Because of this, sometimes you do things immediately without even stopping to think, and bad things occur to you.
-Soul mate: Indigo Beaver
-In conflict with: Saffron Rabbit

Z. Tan Giraffe
-You are much of a loner, but you are brave and are a quick thinker. You like helping others, but you keep it a secret.
-Soul mate: Red Jaguar
-In conflict with: Maroon Panda

AB. Beige Raccoon
-You are the nervous type, and are always unsure of yourself. Yet, you are nice, friendly and quite smart and sarcastic.
-Soul mate: Teal Cat
-In conflict with: Bronze Goat

AC. Maroon Panda
-You are very picky, but extremely exact and accurate about everything. It often takes you a long time to make decisions, but you often get good results.
-Soul mate: Black sheep
-In conflict with: Tan Giraffe

AD. Ocre and gray (OG) Dolphin
-You are a good friend to others, and love to have fun. People lighten up because of you, even if sometimes you act pretty weird.
-Soul mate: Bronze goat
-In conflict with: Peach Pig

AE. Magenta Squirrel
-You are good company and are always in a good mood, but you can be odd and slow at times
-Soul mate: Peach Pig
-In conflict with: Black Sheep

AF. Silver and Red (SR) Wolf
-You are strong and most of the time naïve, but when it comes to love you know it all, you prefer to be quite around Adults.
-Soul mate: gold falcon
-In conflicted with: maroon panda

AG. Gold Falcon
-You are a very smart person and you are aggressive too, although you let your pride get in the way sometimes, you are very good in romantic situation.
- Soul mate: silver and red wolf
-In conflict with: Teal Cat

i'm supposed to wake up 2 hours from the time i posted this

2008-01-30T22:24:00.000+08:00

let me just say a "few" hate me's for this day:

i hate myself because...

**i can't seem to retain the things i have been studying. i need FOCUS but it's gone missing. grr. i would read something then it turns out after a few minutes that i don't actually remember anything from it!

**i can't sleep. i just can't. it's as if i have an automatic clock in my head which rings an alarm for sleep at 12 noon and if i missed it, it will re-alarm at 3am. grr. which is why i end up dozing off in my classes.

**i missed a lot of cya sessions. i have been feeling all guilty and sad lately because i compromised my commitment for my desperation to work for a better grade. (only to find out that the exam would be postponed to next week) i know sorry's would be nothing compared to what i have done but i just don't know wht more can i say to show how sorry i am. i know that my own prayer time is not enough, i mean, it'd still be better to get together with the group which helped me nurture it but i ..well, i am just sorry. :(

**my things are sooooo messsy! i took them out, took them in, ran to and fro fixing my things and everytime i managed organizing them, the day after, they're all over the house, again!

**i can't stop watching palos. i know it maybe baduy to the majority. plus, the "agent missions" are so cheaply conceptualized. but i just can't stop watching it. (bec of jake! grr.) and jake reminds me of......nevermind. anywaaayyy, it takes up most of my precious time (for studying again grr.) so i should just stop.

**i am not good at chem! i thought i was a little higher than average when i was in highschool. but right now, i just cna't seem to catch up. waaaa! i don't know what to do.

**i'm still having doubts about my course, seriously. i even asked myself if this is what i really wanted for the rest of my life. and i really don't think it's a good sign. (so i should just obliterate that feeling as soon as i can.)

**i always as in ALWAYS cram! there was one night when i just ended up crying while working on our lab report because i never thought i would finish it. i don't want to cram anymore. but it seems that i am more productive when i cram. but i can't cram. it's just like a suicidal attempt.

**i recently have abdominal cramps.(and take note, i'm done with my period already) i tell you, it doesn't feel any good. it's just like having amigraine, only it's your abdominal part of the body that's bellowing for help.

**i have to go. i want to write more. but i think i need to sleep.

so bye bye!

and i hope all this hate will go away! :D

i melted. i just wished it never happened.

2008-01-23T14:18:00.000+08:00

okay i know it'd be another endless dramatic hopelessly romantic post

but please, just let me ..let it out.

or else I'm gonna burst.

no one can elude the cynicism of this world. people lie. to get what they want, use it fully and get rid of it once they find it tiresome. and what would be left to the one who has been trustful? nothing but the doubt of trusting again.

but who's fault is this really? is it the shrewd liar or the one fool enough to believe a lie?

"i quote in my blog a few days back, "all the defiance i mustered, went down the drain..." i told myself that i won't hope and that i shouldn't hope why would i hope for someone who has hurt me for so many times?i thought i have closed the door but when this thief came knocking, i was dumbfounded. i just let him in. he asked if he could just take me away. i should've felt fear. but i melted."

there are two options: to have faith in each other or to be cynical forever. you're not a fool if you had faith. it's just that you gave a person a chance to disprove all your reasons of distrust. it's decision of entertaining the maybe's and what if's rather than putting a period to close everything. but how long do we have to keep that faith? is it fair enough to risk our feelings for the sake of keeping that faith? and what if it ends nowhere?

"i hate it when you fill the pages of my planner and the spaces in my blog post--the same way you fill my head with thoughts of you."

maybe it'd be alot reasonable to be cynical. if you try to block the feelings and throw every ounce of hope, then you'll learn to live by yourself, without caring about anyone. maybe you'll learn to love yourself more because you trust no one but you. you could run away from any chance of being hurt and find solitude by yourself. but is that it? you'll just forever run away, forever feel nothing or be naive about everything? is that what would really make us happy?

maybe what we just wanted is security. security that we can be happy if we wait or security that we should get away because things will only hurt us. that probably is the only truth we need to know, need to be aware of so that we won't be fooled nor be doubtful.

"i was inspired but my glee soon faded. just when i thought things would be better, they turned out to be the worst. although i know i should've been thankful for your time, i still wanted to feel loved; and yet, you never made me feel that way. it was as if the weekend was just a blur of events and everything was just another lie. you are the liar. then it sank in, "no commitments." yea i was just in a blur."

we all want to be happy. happy to the extent that even if it would bring other people down or we'd be the epitome of sheer desperation, we'll still continue to do things that we know would make us happy. but how can it be if what we do is in conflict with fate? it's so ironic that the things that would make us happy would be those that would make us ache the most. where's happiness in that?

maybe it's time to stop having faith. maybe it's not faith anymore but desperation. let's all think that maybe we're putting faith on wrong things which is why we never had a happy ending. it's time to love ourself more and yet spare hope for a person, not the shrewd liar, but someone who deserves us more.

and if at the end the liar turns out to be honest. give him a chance. then dump him before he does.

*almost happy*

stupid titanic and coffee prince hang-over

2008-01-14T16:08:00.000+08:00

i know i am becoming neurotic. which is due to three reasons-- first, i haven't slept for a day and my longest sleep would be 20 minutes plus some sneaky naps during my histo exam. second, i feel so frustrated about myself that i crammed everytime there's an exam the next day and third, oh gawd. i just can't stop thinking about him.

i thought i just killed every ounce of feeling. i knew i did! i accepted it already but it all came back the same time he inched his way to me. (and take note it was only an inch) my mind became alive like i was liberated from the confines of hurt. it was five minutes. five leg-turning-jelly, heart-pounding and nerve-racking minutes! and every ounce of defiance i thought i have mustered, went down the drain.

i know i have to be fair to you. you don't deserve to be loathed if all you've done was to show you still cared. but you left me hoping again. a kind of hope that i thought i put off eons ago. but with just one spark it went burning again.

guess i have to hate myself for that.

the disparity between fantasies and reality is too obscured that sometimes we fail to wake up when we are just merely dreaming. And when we wake up, we'll just end up wishing we could sleep again.

you were still the same old funny you. my spite was overthrown. and your buoyancy lifted my spirits, preventing me from saying all those witty pity-you-loser statements i have just reserved for you. and what did pathetic me say? really?! i am so happy for you! which were all soo out of the plan. i wanted to be that witty girl you'll never beat, that complacent girl who can make you kneel down before her. but before you have even approached me, i knelt down already to you.

and the more pathetic thing is, i am waiting for you right now.

prince charming will never come. because if he would, there are millions and millions of cinderella's who are all struggling to take him.

i live by false hopes and false pretenses. i keep convincing myself that i can detach muyself anytime from this situation. i always tell myself that i can get over it and carry on like the happy and simple person i used to be. but i can't stop it if part of me wants to hope that maybe there's a point in this. that maybe you really meant what you said. that maybe it was something real.

i have to stop hoping if i still want to be sane.

to err is human, to love.. is to err.

a break is all i need

2007-12-25T23:30:00.000+08:00

after two consecutive days of sleeping almost 5 hours during the afternoon due to an all-night date with michael scofield. finally, i am done with two great heart-pounding seasons of prison break. and i am really looking forward to the third one.

i actually heard that it was good from my cousin a year ago. and it was not my first to watch an episode. i liked it really. it was quite violent but very thrilling. and the twists were amazing! i never got bored watching it. plus, michael scofield, wentworth miller in real life, was soo damn hot! (haha i'll try to contain myself) his character is soo amazing--wit, intelligence, charm, good looks and a kind heart all in one package! haha

comparing it to one tree hill and grey's would be totally inappropriate. all three have different plots and genres, so choosing the best is as hard and unjust as breaking free from fox river. haha but if i were to rank these based on my most favortie to the least, i'd say prison break would occupy the top spot. although it is somewhat (make it very haha) violent, it has captured my full attention with the da vinci code-like fox river blueprint tattoo of scofield and his coded schemes. plus, the chase scenes were really thrilling! one comment i had though was that watching it is soo stressful! so if you're a tv addict who can endure bloody crime scenes while eating and nerve-racking chase scenes while actually trying to sleep, i recommend you watch this one.

just make sure you won't get too hooked that you actually downloaded all of miller's fan profiles on the net or took a picture of him on your tv screen.

**************************

our family had our noche buena at my cousin's due to my uncle's favor. a few days ago, he asked my mom to suggest to us that maybe we could have our christmas dinner with them, knowing that they, my cousin and uncle, would celebrate just by themselves.

before the mass, we ate a little while i sent my greetings to everyone. and i think some received my message the following day due to probably traffic (?) (great. even messages know how to build up traffic). :o)

**pictures to follow

then after the mass, we had our dinner. it was fun with all the conversation with the guests and everything. then afterwards, "the young ones" (haha) drank a little and talked too much. haha

maybe the event was not that super BIG event and it may appear just like an ordinary get-together. but the thought that we were together at Jesus Christ's birthday made it really eventful. it's just so wonderful that there's a certain time of the year when everyone gets together, prays together and reminisces together the birth of our lord.

thank god it's christmas :)

people always leave

2007-12-20T21:48:00.000+08:00

i had 12 minutes to cry and after that, i know it's enough.

life is all about coming and going. people will come whether you like them to or not and then they're going to leave all of a sudden or you're going to leave them. either way, you have to stand by yourself, to feel left behind and to realize this time, you have to go alone.

to kuya erik

you have been the best brother i had. it hurts me so much that you have you leave us when i actually found a friend and a brother in you. but i know i have to be happy for you. at least this time, you'd be with your family. you'll chase your own dreams and fulfill all your goals. it just saddens me that i won't be able to spend even three more years of college with you. you won't be able to see me grow, struggle and pursue my dreams. you'll have a new life now. a life where we are no longer part of. you said we'll always be part of your life. yes, i believe it so. but of course, things would be different. there are no more late-at-night moments when we tediously listen to the most tear-jerking songs by thor although we play it on day-to-day basis. there are no more coffee dates and breaks while i am studying and while you're playing silent hill in psp. there are no more okrayan moments when we used to laugh at each other's malapropisms or mispronunciations. no more baby talks and conversations in the tune of rnb songs. no more free pizza or coffee or chuckie or chocolate. no more kuya erik for me.

everyday i look forward to more bonding moments with you. and tonight, i dread the following morning when i will wake up to find that you have gone. i poured out my heart to you for couple of times. and it just kills me to see that you are going to take my heart with you. coz i can't let you go. you have been a part of my family. you understood me in my darkest times and tried to cheer me up in my sorrow. somehow you dissolved all my fears and helped me to trust again, to give "him" a chance again.

but then tonight i have to accept it. you have a life to live. it is time for you to take the journey to the fulfillment of your dreams. even if it means you are going to leave us. i just want you to know that you can always look back. all of us will be there to cheer you on.

i am happy for you. i have to.

to ate madie

i may have never told you how much i admire you so. you always have that firm will of doing things you wanted. i have always been on the sidelines watching you grow and fall and actually, i have never been more proud.

for 16 years, i felt that i was only your sister. i felt that only flesh and blood bind us. but beyond that there is no special connection at all. until this year, i somehow felt that i belonged to your world. that i actually existed and that you somehow treat me now as your friend, as someone who would not codemn you if you do stupid things nor care little for what you do. funny as it may seem, but i always save those messages you send me when you actually inform me of where you are, what you plan to do, what makes you soo happy at that instant or when you ask for my help to resolve problems with your car (haha). it really meant to me because for the first time, i felt i was more than "flesh and blood" to you. i finally felt, that i was part of your life.

but then again, you always have a plan for yourself. and in just a few months, i know you are about to say good-bye and pave your way to your dreams. just when i found a friend, i am to lose one again.

i know it's all for the best. that's what you wanted eversince and i will be really overjoyed to see you have it.

i am happy for you. i have to.

to ate shy

they say that the first-born and the youngest children in the family often get along better than the others. whether this be true or not, i know i have always been lucky to have you as my second mom.

there are countless times when i don't understand you--when you are probably suffering from pms and you take it out on me or when i refuse your invitation of going with you to a friend's house to have dinner or lunch or just to drop by and you refuse to talk to me afterwards. those times i begin to hate you most, thinking that you are being conceited and you are treating me like a shock absorber (only this time, you carry 1000 volts or so).

nevertheless, there are also countless times when you stood up for me. when you provided me with all the things i needed, when you are actually playing bridge for me and your cutie and smart officemate and when you are always calling me in the middle of my histo class just to ask me to shop or eat with you at rp manila. those days were fun. those were definitely one of the moments to keep!

but then i know that anytime now, you'll hve to say good-bye too. i know that you are reaching the age when it is right to think of having your own family. you are at the period wherein you re no longer fit for singlehood and you need to assume your right to establish your own family.

and when it becomes final, at least i have prepared myself for that time. at least i have accepted that i'll have to be alone and stop relying on you. you'd be a mom and a wife to a new family but in my heart, you'll forever stay as my second mom.

i am happy for you. i have to.

********************************

our life is ours to live. it becomes intertwined with others because it is how it's supposed to work. but like vines in the vineyard, we yearn to seek for the warmth of the sun and the moist of the earth. and in our search, we need to break free from the lives that intertwined with ours, in order to grow and bear fruits.

however in the end no matter how far we've reached, we always have to remember we just came from one seed.

somehow, the vines we have broken free from are still connected to us. and they'll forever be.

love's still there (sequel to love came back)

2007-12-16T22:52:00.000+08:00

i could've wished that you didn't write that 'letting go' blog. maybe if you didn't, you would not leave us. but because of it, she wanted you back. and of course, as a person in deep love, you gave in. "she was really what i wanted for the rest of my life," i remembered you told me that in one of our candlelit moments. but i ever knew that "the rest of your life" is bound to start.

i am selfish. but i still want you here with us. no one can replace you even if you try. you are the only erik in our life and we can't let you go that easily.

what about those promises? those more-partying-together, more-all-night-talk, trips around the country and maybe around the world promises? you said you will keep them but we knew better. if you leave now, you'll never be able to keep them because everything else would be different. you'd have new priorities and being with us is definitely not and it'd never be on top of your list.

i could've wished you never wrote that blog. then maybe things will just be the same.

but then i knew, you'd never be as happy as you are right now.

"ang relasyon ay nakakasira sa barkada." -kuya bvhoy

suddenly love came to me

2007-12-16T16:05:00.000+08:00

i fell in love with home.

leaving my real home was one thing. having a new one was another.

i can't help but recall the pain, fear, confusion and sadness when i told myself, "hey college na ako. di na ako puwedeng kumupit ng tig-5 pesos sa coin purse ni mama pag kelangan ko ng load or makipag-telebabad sa kabarakda ko kahit alam kong usbok na ang eardrums nya,"

funny. but i admit it means alot to me.

which is why when you came, i never thought all that fear would subside. i never thought i'd find a "malaluan" in you.

what's there to like? i have all the reasons in this world to eject you from the house if i were big brother.

1. you don't refill the pitcher with water after you drink all of it. which is why whenever ate madie would drink and she finds out there's no water, she would scold me and accuse me of what you've done. if i claim i didn't do it, she'd say, "ako. ako pa ang niloko mo?" hello? as if i was a two-timing boyfriend. (that is if she even has one right now. hahahha **evil smile)

2. you smoke alot. and maybe if i can compare the density of smoke in taft with your lungs, yours would be like 65% taft-ish.

3. you broke my 2 favorite xmas glasses. just because you carelessly place them in our window sill. always. hello? do you spell table as W-I-N-D-O-W??

4. you always leave the bathroom lights on. even if you left home hours ago.

5. you call me pangs! for heaven's sake, do i look like a vampire to you?

6. you sing sooo loud. fine you have that rnb voice but our house is not araneta. i can't study or read or watch news with you pounding my ears.

7. you always make snide comments with my legs. you're even the pauso of that troso thing.

8. you're not pro-opposition. i am not sure if you're pro-gloria, but i think you like her.

BUT then you still gave me reasons to like you and admire you.

it was as if i had a brother after all. you were always willing to listen to me rant about things, cry over my problems, share my cam-whoriness, treat me with load, chuckie or anything from our katabing tindahan, and i know you're the only one whom i can trust would keep my secrets and i just feel so comfortable when you're around that i even do baby talk and act be retarded with you. you just give me that smirk or join me in my temporary retardation. which makes it double fun!!! i just somehow found myself in you and it felt wonderful really. it just made me forget all my anxieties and frustrations. whenever i tell stories of our "legendary housemate" to my friends, they keep on imposing that what if i fell in love with you. maybe if it doesn't creep me out i would've said yes. (but it creeps me out as in. i wanted to vomit ight then and there. :p)

you made my second home home after all.

last last night while i was busy studying for chem exam the next day, i overheard you talking to "mami j." i wanted to stop really 'coz i know it would be weird if you caught me eaves-dropping or something but i really can't help it if i heard that this year would be our last to be together. that probably next year, january or february, you are going to leave us.

it hurt.

i know you have to go because yu hav a life of your own. because you have to build your own life, start fresh and stand by yourself. it just hurts that when i learned to find someone who could bind me and my sisters more or someone who i can regard as my real-est and best-est friend, that's when you're about to leave.

i wanted you to be there when i finish college, when i make my ultimate decisio of really pursuing medicine, when i have fun with boys who are cute, or when i became hurt by one of those bastards (or when i hust them back haha). i want you to be there because you're already part of the family, even if flesh and blood binds us not.

but you won't be. not because you really choose not to, but because it's the way things are supposed to be.

even so, i still wish you the best in all that you have to do in your life. and i really hope that we'll see each other again.

love yah step-brother :o)

can i do it too?

2007-12-07T05:42:00.000+08:00

thanks mia!

okay here's what i need to do: type in 20 things i want to say to 20 people. and just like mia's i'll keep their names in secrecy. i guess that's what makes it more interesting:)

here goes..

1. i never thought we can be this close. i'm just glad that we started to share each others' problems unlike before when you seemed to treat me just as a kid. and i am really happy when we're together with our friends except--for those hilutan sessions. haha pehaps the good thing is at least we get to bond more.

2. you're so lazy, messy and i really hate it when you smoke and when you don't return things to their proper places after using them. and yet i can't stop myself from feeling so grateful fo having a step brother (not by blood). it's just so glad that i have someone who understands and who can take part in my vanity, in my frustrations and in my blissful moments.

3. thanks for being my yaya. hehe i'd like to meet your bf ha.

.......ooh and i love your caldereta!!

4. i can't stop thinking about what you did to my mom. you selfish ...err. if it weren't for my sister i would have confronted you. but of course i realize that i am not in the position to do that. i don't want to hate but why are you giving me reasons to be hateful. in my hatred, i can do nothing but be silent and let everything be.

5. last night i dreamt that what if i'd stop chasng my dreams and come home. it was nice. but i knew there's something missing--myself. i wanted to be the best for you and i can only do that by compromising you. i miss you so much. i always long for you care and embrace and you, in general. but's let's be real. every pain that comes is all for the best :)

6. thanks for coming here. thanks for watching one more chance the second time. thanks for my cool new bag. thanks. for you are here.

7. what's there to like? it's not as if you have everything! haha ^^ i know it's a long chase. whatever the ending would be, i'm just so glad you revived the feeling i thought i lost. and even if you won't feel the same way, i'm cool with being just your friend. :)

8. when i struggle to keep you out, you always force yourself in. ugh, i still don't know if i want you out or not.

wait. is there a specific reason why you only text me during vacations?

9. never was i a fan of texting. my apologies if i don't reply to your messages.

10. i am so sorry if i have to shut the door whenever you're near. i just can't take your smell. i'm gonna die!

11. i miss everyone and somehow i feel really guilty for not doing anything to spend some time with you. but i just want you to know that i can never forget you. all of you. you were the bestest things that ever happened in my highschool life. i'll never forget the super saya moments of laughing out loud, laughing at a person (haha) and just laughing. :p i may have done some things but i am so glad you still gave me chance to still be your friend, to let myself know that you miss me and that you still cherish our friendship and best of all, i am so glad that we are proof of being "friends forever". although i am far from you guys, i want you to know i am always here, to steal your boyfriends. haha joke! i am always here. i love you, always and forever.

12. oof. if i could just stop you from bugging my sister! what's in you that makes her like you? hello, you look like a......**oops!**

13. i don't smoke and i don't look like her. all of you are just blind. :p

14. i want to be your friend but you won't let me! i am just holding on to fate that maybe someday, we'll be friends. i just loove your outlook on things. :)

15. i like you but sometimes you have this attitude problem i am just dealing with. but i know you're normally like that. anyway you're still a friend of mine. and i know i get to sount all the times you stood up for me than this simple misunderstandings.

16. you make me laugh at all the kuentos we have for each other :) at first, i never thought we'd get along. it's just so fun to spend a day with you of non-stop kuento!

17. speaking of tuut-tuut, it's nice we could be civil to each other. at least, everything's back to normal.

18. thanks for letting me into your circle. i know i'm your baby but it's so nice you treat me like an adult. :)

19. get out of that house! haha^^

20. i'lll try not to be late in your class. hihi i think i need to take a bath now.

how to find your true love

2007-10-26T14:29:00.000+08:00

it's sem break and usually to make myself occupied, i read a book while lying on bed or nibbling some food. i used to read fiction or gothic romances or adventures and just recently i decided to venture on inspirational ones.

anyway, i have just finished reading bo sanchez's "how to find your true love." and surprisingly, i was only advised to read a 3-page appendix from it. the rest, according to the book, is of no importance or does not apply to me and my lifestyle.

nevertheless, those three pages have created an impact to me. and somehow, it made my beliefs and principles firm and strong, and my purpose in life more defined.

these are just very simple words but i really hope they'll inspire as much as they did to me.

For Younger Singles Reading This Book...

Teens, don't have exclusive relationships until you're ready for marriage.

I know. This is difficult. So I'm not laying it down as a doctrine--but as a wonderful suggestion to those who want to escape all the complexities of having a long steady relationship.

Let me tell you my story.

When I reached my 17th birthday, I had my first girlfriend. I was happy and so was she. The following week, we weren't happy anymore. Because I get a phone call from her and she was angry. When I asked her why, she said, "Because you didn't call me yesterday."

"Yesterday? What happened yesterday?"

She remained silent.

And then it hit me. I asked, "Do you mean I should call you everyday?"

"Of course! (Like helloooooo, is the earth round? Is the sun hot?)

Wow, I didn't know boyfriends were supposed to call everyday. My relationship went on for four long years. We broke up when I was 21, and it hurt--but it was also a day of liberation for me and for her. And I didn't have a girlfriend for the next 10 glorious years--and I never felt so free in my entire life. Those 10 years were fantastic years of personal growth, expanding my horizons, and serving God in radical ways. I traveled around the world, learned new skills, pioneered new organizations, started new ministries....

It was awesome. Honestly, I couldn't have done all those things if I had a girlfriend. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend in your teens, you'll be saddled with the following problems.....

Your world becomes very small.

Your time is taken up by one person. Instead of meeting new people, learning new skills, expanding your territories, putting up businesses, serving God... your attention will be on maintaining this one relationship--with the petty fights, little arguments, silly jealousies and two-hour phone conversations everyday.

You miss out on great experiences to mature as a whole person.

I grew a lot when I took on responsibilities, led organizations, traveled to various places and talked to lots of people. If you're single, I strongly suggest that you take every growth opportunity you can take. Take up pottery lessons, volunteer to be a missionary in Africa, learn how to bake, take a course on speed reading.......Grow more as a person so that you can give more to your future spouse and future children.

You open yourself to a lot of sexual temptations.

Obviously, the longer the boy-girl relationship, the more sexual pressure builds up internally to "go all the way." This need to express love physically is a natural progression of the long relationship. It's wiser to delay the intimate relationship so that handling the sexual pressure will be much easier.

There I've said it, teens. There's a lot of time to start dating and courting when you're in your twenties.

But right now, stop baby-sitting this person.

If you're not going to date and have a boyfriend or girlfriend, what should you do? What else: Enjoy the single life!

Climb mountains, write a novel, water ski and skydive, compose songs, travel to China, organize a fundraiser, lead a prayer meeting, minister to an orphanage. For crying out loud, have fun, grow up and expand your world!

Get to know lots and lots and lots of people. That's better than getting bogged down to one particular guy or gal. An din these natural situations (in sports or projects), you actually get to know the "real" person more than in a romantic date.

And perhaps, you'll meet your One True Love among your many friends. :o)

--->Sanchez, Bo. "How To Find Your One True Love."

**************************************************************

now it is on your discretion to agree or not.

i'm done here :)

expect the unexpected, a cliche.

2007-10-20T10:55:00.000+08:00

last friday, we almost died.

we were in glorietta 2, happily feasting our eyes with mouth-watering delicacies we are to devour to totally consume the 580-pesos eat-all-you-can meal at saisaki, dad's and kamayan. we expected we would stay there all afternoon doing nothing but eating and chatting about anything and everything. it was 1.30 pm and moni and i just got back to our table when suddenly the ground shook. we ll thought it was just an earthquake and we even came back to eating our food. then suddenly, everyone was running to the exit a floor below where we stand. there was a stampede. i saw from my friends eyes the fear and panic felt by each and everyone. fearful that entertaining the frantic feeling might somehow worsen the situation, i tried to smile back and ignore what happened. victoriously, i was able to withdraw the tension inside me and my friends even thought i show no sign of being alarmed.

monica and i went back to the buffet table and grabbed desserts. when we got back to the table, lore and nina impatiently remarked that we got to go. the waiter has just asked us to pay for our bill and leave the premises. everyone was curious about what actually happened. the waiter then explained briefly that a bomb exploded and the heart of g2 where luk yuen was located exploded. i can't help feeling tensed. we are just 30 meters away from the explosion. without any more objections, we paid the bill and i even ignored my 120 change and hurriedly left. outside the restaurant, there was a thick smoke and you can barely see anyone or anything at all. everything was in chaos and everyone were already outside, on the grounds, while waiting for news.

immediately, we ran, away from the mall, form the event, from everyone. we ran to the philippine stock exchange building. with a relief that we are most likely safe, we even managed t laugh at our experience. it was definitely unforgettable.

later that day, i watched the news and continued waiting for information today. at this moment 9 died, 119 casualties were estimated and it is still increasing. just realized how short life is. and how lucky i am to be there but not actually lose my life or make myself harmed.

it is true that it takes years, even decades to build life but it takes just a blink of an eye to lose one.

******************

i was shocked when i saw that i actually posted something for my blog at 10:21 pm. knowing that i was already so absorbed with mmk during that time. it made me think that maybe i have unconsciously typed my blog or what. basta my thoughts have gone weird again.

when i read the post, i knew it was not of my making. but it was meant for me. (and somehow i figured out how it ended there but I'm gonna cut to the chase for everyone's sake)

what i felt after seeing this? i am not sure. i just know that my heart thumped faster and i felt weak and tired again like i did when i posted the blog about "apathy."

maybe it was guilt that actually with all the things that have happened i was not a victim. but i am the vicious antagonist that ruined everyone's lives and even my own.

guess it's time to be honest.

for so many times i admit, i resorted to escaping, forgetting and giving no regard to anything that have happened. i have always thought that maybe my silence would kill all the drama and everything would be done, everything would be gone. for a moment, i was victorious. my studies kept my mind from everything and all my weariness was diverted to efforts for my academic struggles. but they were right i can never escape from it. i am a coward. in the first place i was the one who triggered the feud.

i was hurt by my own making. i was hurt because i hurt them all. if i feel sad and tormented, it is not because someone hurt me but because i knew deep inside every chaos, all came from me. i did it. and i know everything i did was wrong.

to all that i have hurt, i am truly sorry.

i know it is not enough but it is all that i can say. i am really sorry.

to her, for hurting her for what happened. for my fickle mindedness and intrusion.

to him, for hurting him with all the things i have said and for leaving him and treating him like a stranger. i am sorry if i just wanted to live my life alone, without you and for not returning every ounce of affection you have rendered for me. i just want to move forward, by myself.

and to them, for hiding from them through my busy schedules and my books. i know well that i cannot bring everything back to the way it is before, before everything else happened. i was not a good friend and i don't blame you if you despise me. i can accept the consequence of what i did. it will hurt but then i knew i deserve it. i am really sorry and thanks for everything. it's all up to you na. and i am just really sorry to keep you waiting.

i am sorry if 'sorry' is just all i can say. but i just want you to know that i meant it.

delayed reaction to joanna's tag

2007-10-10T08:10:00.000+08:00

In the 8 facts about yourself, you share 8 things that your readers don't know about you. Then at the end you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going.

* Each blogger must post these rules first.
* Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
* Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I never eat onions, garlic and bell pepers.

2. My favorite morning drink is coffee.

3. I despise cellphones. hehe

4. I have a mole at the back of my head. (sa scalp)

5. I love strolling around the village at night.

6. I wanted to be a member of Gabriela or Anakbayan but my sister prohibited me or else I will be blacklisted.

7. I loooovee nail-biting. my sisters and friends hate me for it!

8. I once had a white complexion, when I was still a toddler. and now, it's gone!!!! haha

I tag... Monica, Cesca, Marc, Anriz, Dave, Lorra, Lelis, and Shrimpy

wasted.

2007-10-10T05:57:00.000+08:00

the term is ambiguous for two reasons. one, what? second, why?

i got out of bed thirty minutes before my nstp class is to stat. good thing it was postponed. and i really missed the feelig of waking up when the sun is already up and kickin' :) my mind did a little recap over what has been going on lately.

last sunday i had to wake up 4am and get ready for my finals in pe at diliman. it was still dark, cold and quiet outside but my insides we're like turbines, turning and turning so rapidly relative to the rush of adrenaline in my body. diliman was really enormous and beautiful and plus, i can't hide the fact that the school grounds we're definitely conducive for learning, very much unlike ours. but then, i noticed little about it. my mind was focused on making two rounds around the sunken garden for just 35 minutes. so that i could be exempted for my written test. and guess what? i made it 36.++! a minute and few seconds discrepancy form exemption. i admit i felt really sad and disappointed. i felt so weak for not reaching it. but then, who cares? as long as i know i did my best and if it's not enough then i'll have to take in the consequences. it's my action so i just need to feel responsible for it. so tomorrow, i'll just answer a few questions, hope of passing the test and get on with my life. haha!

yesterday was a different story. i stayed up all night and studied 5 long chapters for my exam in soc (which requires memorization) and 6 o so chapters of trig for MATH17 which demands a whole lot of concentration, patience and determination because a 100% effort is just equivalent to a 3 (thank god) or point lower than 3 (please no!). bottomline, i slept at 4am and woke up at 6. so far, i already passed two exams out of 4 and i am really thankful but in order to pass and be more than thankful is to shoot for another passing score. ( i really really PRAY). my study time during the time was somehow quite satisfactory unlike the previous dep ex's. for one thing, there were less distraction from my phone or the television or everyone in the house. everyone was so sweet and considerate that they slept early for me to go solo in our dining area and study. plus, kuya erik was so kind for waiting for me to finish and for accompanying me while studying so that i won't fall asleep. my cellphone, aside from having zero load for two weeks already beeps only for updates from my blockmates. actually lately i am not fond of cellphones, i even leave it at home and act as if i don't own one, which is for the record, a nice experience for me.

now ask, why wasted?

first, wasted efforts.i was too lax thinking that i could reach the finish line before 35 minutes is up that i came late. i underestimated how time can fly so fast. oh well. i just have to deal with my test tomorrow. (pero ciempre sayang!) another thing, i worked too much for my math dep ex that most of the time while i am taking the test i feel sleepy and my mind seems to be blocked from any information that i must process.i studied too much that i did not get enough sleep to keep me up during the day which is why i can't think well. i don't know. hmm i am really work-driven and i slave-drive myself in studying so i really can't do anything about it. i just love cramming and "studyaholicking."

second, wasted feeling. exams and removals explain it all.

it happens when you discover apathy

2007-09-23T15:29:00.000+08:00

all this time, i know and i try to deny that i am cruel. my life revolves only in me, myself. i am just fraud, pretending to care and show concern when i know deep inside, i have been selfish. i intend to make "others" or Christ the center of my life. i tried. but i knew well "i" is the only center of my life. until this precise moment, i am self-centered and i think only for myself, of myself and by myself alone. i have always believed that simple things would make a big difference but i know, my simple deeds fill only less than a quarter of all the efforts i need to be selfless.

i break hearts, ruin friendship, deflate hopes, neglect trust and hate love. for a while, i felt disturbed. then later on, i found myself not caring, and just letting things happen. i was neither sad nor was i happy. i leave no comment; as if every tragedy was no longer a downfall for me and nothing but something ordinary, something that i would let go of so easily. to pain, i become sad; to happiness, i feel joy. but only for a moment. it was as if i have expected that my feelings would run dry sooner or later, like a river flowing so freely then dries up suddenly with the scorching heat of the sun. every feeling were all temporary and when they all slip away, i am left with nothing. no feeling at all.

maybe because i never let anyone enter my life. i never let love capture me. this was my choice. i opted to never let any person discover my vulnerability. i have friends but only to a certain extent. i was always afraid to feel the pain of losing them which is why i devise myself to get used to them leaving. i never speak of pain. if they are bound to go, they are bound to go. and i won't mind. i was never a good sister or daughter. i fulfilled my obligations but never did i realize the importance of it. i was afraid that if i start liking it, i would become abused even if i know i should never doubt my family. i was never a good lover. i never loved and i let no one love me. all i feel was fondness and when it expires, i drop them off. just like a book, i re-shelf them when i'm done and let other people use it but leave it once and for all. i knew all these things and yet i choose to be silent instead, to let things pass.

pride is my mask. what sustains me from believing that i'm causing no one harm is my indifference. what harm will it cause if i say nothing? i make myself feel content by claiming that i never cared and that i can always rely on no one else but myself. i never spoke even when i knew, silence kills.

at this point, i have unsilenced myself. i cared. i've always wanted to care. i've always wanted to speak up. but then i knew, it wouldn't matter because after 12 minutes, the feeling shall pass. i'll shut myself up about pain again. i'll let things happen as to how i believe they would happen.

and then there was silence.

define greatness.

2007-09-23T06:21:00.000+08:00

everybody can be a hero. although heroism can be manifested in various ways, our motives define how much we deserve it. people say, we live for a reason; i say, we live through reason, for reason urges us to initiate an action, gives meaning to our life and saves us from the harsh consequences we have overlooked. thus, reason is the basis of being a hero.

all this has only dawned to me after i have watched Dürenmmatt's Romvlvs d' grayt, a tragicomedy about the last emperor of the Roman Empire and how he faced the largest empire's downfall during his reign. while his ministers were hysterical about the conquest of the Teutons in their former terrritories, Romulus was complacently watching and drinking wine as if a spectator bored with the show. he took no action and plotted no retaliation against the Teutons and sat down to wait for the empire to fall.

history tells us the incompetence and treason of romulus, the last emperor of the Roman empire but the play unravels otherwise. Dürenmmatt interprets the series of events not as treacherous but rather a rubric of heroism to redeem the world from violence with the collapse of Rome. certain points were shared and highlighted. Romulus revealed in his argument with his wife that all along, he planned and desired to be an emperor for his own ambition--not power, but to destroy the Roman empire. for him, he was enthroned not as an emperor but a judge that shall end the monstrosity of the empire. he believed that his power does not entail honor but pudency for he was crowned through bloodshed and not because he deserved to be but because his men murdered fellow countrymen, devastated lives and orphaned children for it. Romulus did nothing to save the Roman empire, but with his reasons, we can say he was a great person.

the play relates to us that heroism and patriotism has certain limits. it is very noble indeed to give our life for the sake of our country however, we still should consider if our life is worth giving up for our country. does our life deserve death for a country who betrays itself? is it really worth it to defend a country that fosters corruption, treachery, volence and fraudulence? perhaps, we grasped a misconception about love for our country. we do not need to actually love our country but to love and fight for what is right for our country. therefore, heroism is not just about love for the country but it is having the right kind of love for the country.

for this reasons, i can say that Romulus, indeed, was great.

so sick

2007-09-13T17:42:00.000+08:00

ituloy natin ang laban para sa pamantasan ng bayan! Sumama po tayo sa mobilisasyo ng mga iskolar ng bayan bukas, Setyembre 13, 11am po kitaan sa RH steps. Red Shirt day! Tutungo po tayo ng Morayta ng 1pm. Approved na po ni Chancellor ang letter mula kay SR para maexcuse sa klase ang mga sasama. kaya tara na! may pag-asa pa! Sama-sama nating ipakita ang ating pagtutol sa tahasang pagtapak sa ating karaptansa edukasyon. Junk TOFI! Save UP!

this was the text message i received the other night. and without any doubt, i will go. i am very anticipated to go unfortunately, i woke up this morning with 39.8C temperature, my body shivering, my head aching, my vision almost black and my coughing crazy.. it should've been my once-in-alifetime and most mmorable experience buyt then, i wass not given any chance to go there because of my fever.

all day i was stuck in my room wiht nothig to do but to sleep and drink my medicines on time. (and cough all the time) luckily, my friends texted me and informed me that classes were called off and that i missed nothing really. except that i missed joining the rally. my firneds didn't go because ofd the weather but surely i'd go if i was there.

stupid abrupt weather changes.

toxicity

2007-09-12T15:31:00.000+08:00

my monitor turned black. okay this may not be a sign of a good week ahead when while i was blogging and suddeny our pc crashed and right now, it's not functioning anymore. stubborn pc.

good thing, there's a laptop available:)

so here i am blogging before going back to my article rev about colonial education(which is really hard for me because of my cough). going back to my weeks' predictions, well, i admit i was wrong and definitely these past few weeks were the best despite the hectic sched.

okay here are the highlights: :)

august 26- shopping with nina!

here's the deal. we're gonna shop together for or clothes to wear on corregidor. and despite the pouring rain, we went anddefinitely as in definitely had fun!!! it was the best moments i had with nina. wee!

august 28- christ's youth in action graduation night

finally i can certify that i am a full-pledged cyaer after six weeks of 5:30 to sawa exchange christian life series at the pgh chaplain's house. well in spite of getting freaked out with walking every tuesday night at the dak streets of pedro gil, the experience was worth it! i had a chance to meet new friends not only from upm but from other schools--ust, plm, csb etc. and a chance to revive mty connection with the lord. (haha am i really saying this? haha). it was a one-of-a-kind experience. the pray over was the most eventful of all. i felt a different sensation within that made me so vulnerable. and the subtlety of it all made me cry so much that i found myself wondering how i cried that much. the dgl's said that at that precise moment we are to receive the gift of tongue which lets a person speak in a foreign language while in deep prayer. whether i did speak in it or not, i really don't have any clue but i know i prayed from my heart and worshipped god with all my might.

september 10- results with math17

what more can i say? bliss because i passed! and i'm super proud of my score. hihi :) yippee! i just have to fulfill my promise of treating my friends at chef d' (waaa!) and do something charitable. so goodluck with more dep ex's to come! :p

september 13- red day

hmm. although this hasn't happened yet, i am here to encourage evrey up student reading this blog to join the rally for the rollback of up's tuition and other fees increase. it doesn't matter if you afford it or not, what matters is to fight for the right of every student to gain quality education while preserving the objectives of the school: to reach out to the needy. if we don't act, who else will bring this matter into consideration? given that we can afford, that we can tolerate the increase, what about those who wish to have a good life, a good education but can't afford it?

this move is not only to fight for our rights but to prove that at this crucial time of economic and political crisis, we are united to work for the same goal for the benefit of the masses. it struck me when the rtr's cited about plm, with their tuition fee of 12pesos, boycotted their school when the proposal of 75% tuition fee increase was put into consideration. if plm can, why can't we?

so if you are a up student, show your support by wearing red on thursday, september 13. and see you on our struggle to fight for our rights.

late night escapades :)

2007-08-26T19:30:00.000+08:00

never in my life did i go home at ten-o-clock until now. probably the latest i had been out would be 7pm. but last friday instead of staying home, updating multiply and friendster, i went to my first sectoral meeting in immaculate conception e.rodriguez quezon city for the christ's youth in action sectoral meeting. everything was a totally different experience for me.

i was with a group of people who understands my imperfections but gives me the chance to see god's mercy. it was where i feel most accepted and that despite my two consecutive weeknights of going home late, i knew i was late for the best reasons and purposes.

it made me wonder why i never joined before.

actually it only started out of boredom, that i feel so "unneeded" since i still need to learn the ropes at school and that there were few activities to get involved in. and there he was, jethro my brother who asked nina and me to go with him to cya and try it.

after the session which oriented me to worshipping, to singing songs of god's praises and listening to wonderful life experiences of fellow cyaers, i felt so exhausted. but the thing is, my mind feels so relaxed, so rejuvenated after every session. every bit of math 17, natsci or soc sci, all my academic struggles and even other issues that have been bugging me for so long were all overthrown by how overwhelming my encounter with god is.

the more fun part is that i get to meet people who i feel so comfortable with, in sharing all my problems and all my struggles.

and on tuesday, "someone" is not happy about what is to happen.

tuesday will be my graduation day! the day that i will officially be a full-pleged cyaer. someone who will take the risks of travelling to distant places, of walking at the dark and dingy outskirts of manila to praise God, to spread the good word and most of all to reach out to the underprivileged.

and no matter how hectic my life would be, i know that it became that way for the most noble reason.

and that's all that matters to me.

i've never been happier:)

short wavelengths with higher frequencies

2007-08-05T23:51:00.000+08:00

it's 3:01 AM. later at 10 AM, i'm supposed to be at school half-listening to my prof mimic the sounds of dogs and cats and crying babies to reiterate how speech was developed. later on, i'll find my head on top of my desk, my things scattered and neglected, my breathing laboured and my mind wandering in another time and space, unattached from what is really happening in that former-cupboard classroom of ours.

and all that is due to my nat sci report.

never in my life did i dream of going back to the thing i hated most before--physics. never did i imagine myself dwelling on stellar evolutions, schrodinger's equations and some decomposed and decaying geniuses responsible for the discussion of inertial frame of references, quarks, wave-particle duality, hadrons, antimatter and all that is peculiar to the normal.

whether i understood it or not, i still studied for the exam. and good thing was, my attempts of "grasping the concept" is somewhat near successful.

i just wish i'll still remember them tomorrow. **fingers-crossed

so in the short time that my sisters and i decided to go home, i went for it even if my hands were quite full. when i went home, everything appeared in brighter perspective. it was as if i my worries for the next day suddenly disappeared, as if i had shunned off myself to concepts of particle accelerators and all that formulas for insanity, as if i was in the place where solitude and happiness are limitless and where problems are left outdoors. there was always something special about home. and no matter how where i go, i always long for it. and in everytime i stay, i just wish i could stay forever.

then suddenly my dream bubble pops and i found myself sliding in the car waving goodbye to my mom.

during the ride, i always find myself crying while looking out the window.

most of the time it enters my mind to transfer back at home and live with my mom. but then, i knew there are greater things in store for me here and i know my mom wishes me the best always.

but everytime i go home, i always end up wishing i could stay there.

i feel that i am really torn into shooting for the best and making the most of my life. why is it that to have what we want, we must compromise, and tell you, compromise great things?

no one can have it all. then it only implies that happiness is out of this world.

brand new days

2007-08-03T18:22:00.000+08:00

let me tell you a story...

it was a brand new day. for the leaf, it was the greatest day it could've imagined. a new time to grow, to flourish, to make things alot greater. it can feel the warmth of the sun's welcome, nourishing it with all that she needed--the sense of becoming ang belonging.

all was calm and clear. the leaf was looking forward to what more life has to offer for it. when suddenly, the winds came. the leaf felt thrilled of discovering new things. it felt the urge of seeing beyond what the tree offers-- to see beyond the mountain top, where the tree resides in peace and mediocrity. the leaf sought to ride with the wind and see where it'd take it, thinking that maybe the ride was worth it.

never did it knew that the winds were bound to bring greater and savage storms. and the brand new day was thrown to oblivion.

if only the leaf would've lingered forever in that brand new day and decided not to take the risk of flying. perhaps at this moment, it still stayed on safe ground, well-nourished and undergoes gradual but promising growth. maybe things would've been better.

and in sad reality, the leaf sank deep into a puddle of rain, with no one not even a thing to cling onto. and probably indifference to pain is its only tool for struggle.

i hated that leaf, then if i did who else will help her?

and in the end, the leaf only waited to wither and die.

and hope for another brand new day to come, only this time, with the hope of forever erasing any memory of "that brand new day," of the wind, and even of that tree.

his bare feet made me cry

2007-07-16T21:44:00.000+08:00

if there's something i hate about going home..

maybe it's because i have to commute through jeepneys, ruin my day with the traffic, pollute my lungs with the murderous air in manila and feel the sweat, not just of my own but also by others, sliding down in every exposed part of my body.

but then, i saw him.

the jeep driver called him and scolded him for just gripping the metal grills of the jeep on its entrance. sheepishly, he ran to the seat and sat there with his innocent eyes looking back at our faces who are dumbfounded by his presence. the kid was perhaps 10 years old or so, his clothes were dirty, his face was covered with grease and he has no shoes not even slippers on his feet. but what captured everyone's attention was a ribbon tied on his neck with a cover of something or a spare part of a washing machine in the middle which serves as protection for the hole in his throat.

i almost cried.

the child can barely speak and when the girl beside me conversed with him i barely understod what he is trying to say. he made hand gestures in order for us to understand. i asked him where he came from and he replied through showing a gesture of begging alms. the girl beside me explained that he came from baclaran.

the jeep stopped and the "pulis oysters" rode. one of them recognized the kid and informed everyone that a major "sweep-off" of street children occured in buendia a while ago. the oyster-churva asked the kid why he was not captured by the dswd. the kid even animatedly replied that he ran (of course he did it with hand gestures).

i was so caught up with the conversation going on when i realized that i am nearly home. so before going off, i gave the kid fifty pesos and ordered him to buy food for himself. i felt total authority over him warning him not to spend the money for gambling and in return, he was looking at me with that conviction that he would spend the money i gave him for good reasons.

before going off, curiosity got into me. i asked him where his parents were and why is he wandering the streets by himself, begging for alms. he replied that his mother was dead and that his father was at home. i am slightly infuriated by his father, knowing that he's at home and his child is out on the streets, risking his life just to bring food for the family.

then i got off and said goodbye to him.

when i got home, i felt so sad.

it has just gotten to me how lucky i am i did not experience such in my childhood. it came to me how often i whined about very simple things or when my whims are not acknowledged when in fact there are kids out there who don't have food to eat, clothes to wear or slippers to step with or who have nothing at all. it saddens me how these children are made to work by their parents and then looking at myself, i felt so rotten for hating my parents when they make me do some simple household chores.

the experience hit me back so hard.

i felt sorry for him.

but i felt more sorry for myself

for how rotten i have been acting.

beware of chevvy's

2007-07-08T11:40:00.000+08:00

i spent last saturday night with a struggle to keep my heart beat slow-paced while the thud of transformers in the silver screen takes me out of my seat. woah! it was totally the best film i have watched just recently. and some critics were right. there was never a dull moment in that film. unlike with the blockbuster spiderman, some scenes were draggy while some are too trying hard to be funny. anyway, for sure the sequel to transformers will be definitely looked forward to by its viewers. especially me!

well my blog is not really a review on the movie. i just want to share an insight about my new set of friends:)

aside from my friends in school, i really had fun hangng out with my sisters' friends. and boy i am so glad to have known them! maybe they are almost ten years ahead my age but the thing is, the know very well on how to treat new friends well.

i was sad at first because i felt too lazy to go home but after spending the night with them, i knew my stay was worth it!

so special thanks to my new friends: kuya bvhoy, ate gee, ate ja, kuya erik and my two sisters: ate madie and ate shy for a wonderful night:)

**so many to blog about. so little time. so lazy:p

tska na

2007-04-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

kakatmad mag-update e...

hehehe

busy akong tao..

pag hinde na ako masyadong busy promise!

bye!

stuck at two

2007-03-21T17:28:00.000+08:00

its 5.30 in the afternoon, a day before our departure to manila for the final stallion yearbook check-up and two days before i practice 'getting used to' riding puv's from makati all the way to up manila.

i just realized i am no longer in highschool.

then, there are some immaturities of mine that i should throw away.last time, i had a talk with my friends and it woke me up to the reality that at ths point no one ould really take me seriously. i guess id like to give up thinking that maybe ill find someone i wanted to be with. but i guess it's not yet time. all ive got to do is divert this crappy feeling to something else worthwhile and maybe all these would stop. and ill finally pick myself up.

speaking of something worthwhile, ive spent most of my nights and ays watching television and reading books than the usual surfing the net and chatting. these past few dats i realized how fast computers make our lives pass. most of the time while im focused on the computer screen, ive been missng great events shown in teevee, been deprived of the details that i should be aware of and sleep late without having any deep realization at the end. im not saying that coimputer is bad or whatever, im just saying that being focused on something blinds us to see and prioritize the smallest and simplest things which value more to other people. for instance, instead of chatting online, i getr more time chatting with my mom and my dad. i get more time reading than staying late for internet. i get more time ofr myself than hurry up and fuss over internet stuff. i get more time. whil technology promises less time.

but come to think of it, the more we have time, the more we realize the simplest details of our lives that is worth every minute.

guess my internet addiction no longer persists.

but of course, still like it! :p

disconnected....permanently.

2007-03-17T19:51:00.001+08:00

march 17, saturday. the day i received the terrifying threats. the day i was shouted at through text by some anonymous lady who freaked out because i explained to her thet her message had been missent to me. the day i had the extreme headache. and all of these totally vanished when he said: i love you. ill never ever forget this day. not only because of the given reasons, but also because today i shall be disconnected to the world. to friendster. to ym. to blogging and most especially, to him. waaaaa.....

please don't take away my pc.

i so so so love my pc!!!

anyway, ill really search for the cafe where i can work my blogging out. i love it! :p

and yeah, i was able to make the perfect quote for stallion and berna approves of it!!! i think, and berna attests that this new one definitely has the right type of "soul" she's searching for. well then, i submitted it immediately to covers although i felt a little bad for not consulting almira first before doing so.. c=

then i know naman she'll understand. :p

goodbye internet, goodbye my pics, goodbye ym, goodbye friendster, goodbye multiply, goodbye blog and please not goodbye to him..... no. no. :p

-nhet-

disconnected....permanently.

2007-03-17T19:51:00.000+08:00

if ever monalisa cries

2007-03-11T21:43:00.000+08:00

no one will ever know who they really are hence, will they know who others really are. we live in total ignorance, unaware of how we really feel until we finally admit it and then realize it's just too late for us to know. then again, we begin to know ourselves, not seeing the truth that there are still other things to be learned, and we make the same mistake of being blind to realize it.

thus, we can never know what our heart truly feels.

man can deceive himself as good as he can deceive others.

at some point, we experience the downfall of our ignorance and negligence. we cry. we weep. we mourn. we do all the things synonymous to what we think of as sadness. because that is how we really feel. and we admitted it. however to some, sadness is a white flag in a battle. a retreat. a sign of admitting defeat. a sign of hopelessness. weakness.

which is why often we shield our sadness through laughing it all off, thinking that if we do, at least, everyone would think we are not defeated; we are simply taking things the easier way, because it makes us feel that others would think it's not a big deal.

the righteous would say: "who are you fooling?" but i am not one of them.

id rather say that "it is what i think. shedding a tear, for me, is a weakness. and no one or nothing can change that."

that is exactly why i never want to cry.

life has given man enough reasons why god created such art of crying. what man did not know and god never made it clear were His reasons of creating 'sadness'. man made his own assumptions, bringing sadness into a positive light. but sadness is nothing but a sad word and never will it promise bringing the light.

sometimes even our sadness darkens our vision to see our own image, losing ourselves to depression and making us feel more and more desperate of ourselves. and then again, that sadness only brings us to false conclusions and impulsive decisions.

at the end, the light of regret breaks into vision.

and in that light, we try to redeem ourselves by keeping that light, by pulling us deeper into our own hell and by pampering ourselves with delight when in reality, we are rotten inside. rotten alone.

but who's fault is it? do we really want others to see we are stained and broken?

no one can ever understand. that's why we are made unique. we can never expect that others would understand what we truly feel, what we truly think, what we are truly. and when we tell them the whole truth, they will only judge us when it is understanding that we ask from them. it'll only leave us a single conclusion that it'd be better for them to see we are happy than let them see we are falling apart.

we really don't have any choice but to shut up, do we?

courage persists when fears befall.

2007-03-04T22:25:00.000+08:00

some may have flown, galloped or climbed their way to reach their own peaks. and i was one of them. i started humbly until i enter another bigger circle. a circle where knowledge is unending and where there were no familiar walls, no beginnings, no ends.

for all my life, i have began at a place where i knew all along. my gradeschool days have not been the humble "beginnings" for me. i started knowing what lies ahead for me, behind the shadows of my sisters' pasts and the present that seems to have reevolved from these pasts. my memories of my firsts were marked by my struggle to keep my friends, to choose my friends and to have friends, in general. but everything was so easy back then. and everyday, i'd lie my back on bed and think of the happy thoughts, happy moments with my newfound friends and the increasing collection of 'very good' stamps from my angelic teachers.

but time makes life more and more complicated. highschool was not a first for me. but it was definitely a period of great transition. as the transition settles in, we begin to change and adapt. we form new beliefs, find our new and more serious identities and define our prinicples more explicitly. it was a transition where things are not as easy as collecting stamps nor chewing gums and running in circles. the joys of it were more definite, where it only relies on succeeding to fool and get through the eyes of the three-headed dog who guides our every journey and gives us the extreme headache in the image of school work. everyday, i began lying in bed evaluating how the day had been, thinking of the possible way to get past through the monster, dreaming of getting on the end of all the pain and waking up at the nightmare of being trapped, with nowhere else to go, with no one else to be with. dreams are definitely at their worst nightmare form.

and then again, i pass through a new transition. a transition where minds, choices, decisions revolt against each other. at this time, i think of not just the monster i am to face but the monster yet to face. because for every wrong move, for every wrong turn, it is a lot harder to get to the right one. there are less guides, lights and signs that would aid you to get to your destination. you only have is yourself, your eyesight, foresight and hindsight. and if one fails, any monster could just attack you and pull you down. at this point, ice creams are no longer tickets to the joys of a carnival. and even carnivals could be the sign of your demise.

but as they say, "nothing is gained if there's no hard work."

so it's all part of a phase. no matter how we worry about being pulled down, we can always rely on ourself to climb up once again. our wings would support us. our bows and arrows shall equip us to fight. our wisdom that is innate in us and our firm will shall aid us to combat everything that hinders us from reaching our own peaks. we shall persist. and in our battle, it is not only important to forsee what would happen but most importantly to look back to where we have started, to see how far we've gone through and who helped us made it through. and as i look back, i shall be counting the stamps i have collected, i shall reminisce the most wonderful moments with my friends, laugh at my victory over the three-headed dog and be more inspired with the lights of the carnival. they will move me forward. and forward. and forward. until my goals become more and more at reach.

and someday, i'll lie in bed, thinking of my past that i enjoyed most, the past-in-the-making that once haunted and troubled me and the present where i had the joys of my haunting pasts...because at that present, i claimed victory.

and perhaps, the future-to-be where i will combat in more fights, rooting for another victory.

seems like life is all about collecting stamps. very good stamps.

days in full bloom

2007-02-28T21:59:00.000+08:00

yipee!!! at last! we got rid of one terrible headache: oral defense for our lit crit in english.

it just felt so different that most of us who had undergone the excruciating process no longer feels troubled by whatever grade we are to receive. it just feels so good that we made it through the hole of a needle once again and now......

we're gonna graduate. and we're going to COLLEGE!

hahahaha.... :p

but part of reminiscing the memorable moments is our cute, little propped up intro for our presentation... here are just some quotes we uttered as we gave each panelist each a red rose. made by yours truly, me.. wahihihihi.. :p well, im a little tired of recounting what happened so ill just give you a glimpse.

and it's up to you to know the rest.....

perhaps, when our grades come.. hahaha.. :p [hope it's mataas! *fingers-crossed]

The Intro

A Flower

A flower.

A symbol for beauty. For magnificence. And for wonder. It is an inspiration that makes us bloom fully into greater fields of majesty and radiance. So that we can also be the inspiration of others.

A flower.

A symbol for love. In all its faces. And In its universal and exceptional sense. A love that will forever be cherished as it heightens the fragrance of life and brightens up the shadows in one’s dreams.

A flower.

A symbol for life. For being. For existence. It is a bud where our fruits grow from and from where we find the splendor of our existence. It is a life that flourishes into a garden of wisdom, of beauty and of love, where our purpose is being harvested until the time we finished serving that purpose, and we wither and die.

At this point, let us take you to a moment when a flower is trapped in the confines of ruthless and work-driven Manila.

that's all and hoped you liked it!!!

aja! :p

huling salita.

2007-02-27T00:20:00.000+08:00

due to intense need for an emotional outburst of the tooth.fairy. the author wishes to speak in her own native tongue to fully express what has kept her insides squirming with anger at the beginning of the day. the following hours went as smoothly as unexpected except for certain events when the tooth.fairy nearly risked the lives of her fellows as she forgot to follow specific instructions. anyway, as the midnight strikes, the tooth.fairy cannot help remembering the farewell of her adviser, which only turned into a total wash-out not of marine resources but of patience and respect.

the tooth.fairy wishes anyone who had the privilege to read this blog to keep any private information, accidentally revealed, still in secret.

until the tooth.fairy graduates from her mixed heaven and hell kind of institution...

sa aking butihing pangalawang ina,

maganda na sana ang umaga kung hindi ka na lang pumasok. positibo ng aura ko noong araw na yon pagkat hangad ko na kahit sa huling buong araw ng aking pamamalagi sa aking pangalawang tahanan ay maranasan ang mabubuting bagay at kahit papaano'y manalaytay ang sarap ng halos buong buhay ko nang pamamalagi rito. pero ikaw ano ang pambungad mo? busangot. at isang malaking seremonyas tungkol sa stallion na pina-simple mo pa nung una na kunwari'y nagtuturo ka nang mga aral, parang isang pastor sa tuktok ng pulpito. maganda ang Mabuting Balita na hatid mo. nagustuhan ko, inaamin ko. pero sa palagay ko lang, hindi tama na gamitin mo iyon para sa maka-mundo mong pagnanais na mai-pamukha sa aming mahirap kami. at kasalanan namin kaya hindi ka tatanggap ng malaking kumisyon at mga papuring magpapalaki lalo sa iyong lumulobo nang tiyan.

unang puntos. sabi mo masyado ka nang maraming naibigay para sa amin at para bang kahit respeto ay hindi namin kayang ibigay sa iyo. aminado ako, konti lang ang respetong inilalaan ko sayo at iyon ay dahil lamang sa titulo mo bilang "guro" ko na mas nakatatanda ng malaki sa akin at wala nang iba pa. pero kahit sinong tao na tawaging ahas ay hinde irerespeto ang tumawag sa kanila nito. natatandaan ko pa nang minsang sinabi sa akin ng iba ko pang guro na ang tao'y bibigyan lamang ng respeto kung kaya niyang rumespeto. matanong nga kita, ano ang ginawa mo para maipakita mo sa amin na nirerespeto mo ang aming kahinaan? noong hindi naming kayang tustusan ang libong hinihingi mo sa amin? na katumbas ng isang linggong pagpapakahirap ng nanay at tatay namin na itatapon mo lang upang magkamal ng papuring hindi mo naman maidadala sa hukay? pasensya ka pero kahit bata pa kami, magulang na kami sa pera. at hindi kami ang tipong magpapasasa na lamang sa kung anong sabihin mo sa amin para lamang masunod ang iyong gusto. sabihin mo nang madamot. hindi kami nagdadamot. sa katunayan, ibinayad lamang namin ang dapat naming bayaran bilang aming pananagutan. kung madamot kami, hahayaan naming mamroblema ang klase sa pag-iipon nang halagang kukumpleto sa kota. pasensya na pero pratikal lang talaga kami. hindi kami basta-basta mapipilit na bayaran ang kung anumang bagay na alam naman naming hindi talaga namin mapapakinabangan.

ikalawang puntos. ang reputasyon na lagi mong ipinipilit na kailangan naming alagaan. sabi mo ang kagalingan ng krim ay hindi lamang sa akademya. ano ngayon ang ipinararating mo? na nakasalalay iyon sa perang itinatapon nila para sa bulsa ng iba? o sa perang dapat sana'y baon nila ng ilang linggo na ipagpapalit nila para sa panandaliang papuri at kaligayahan? para malaman mo, ang pagiging matalino at wais ay hindi nakasalalay sa kung sunud-sunuran ba ang isang tao sa nakakasakop sa kanya. nasusukat iyon sa katapangan ng isang taong handang lumaban para sa alam niyang tama. at higit sa lahat, iyon lang naman po ang ginawa namin. nais ko lamang namang linawin sa iyo na kuna may dapat man kaming patunayan, uunahin naming patunayan ito sa aming mga sarili. wala kaming pakialam sa sasabihin ng ba. dahil kung maniniwala kami sa kung anuman ang nais nila sa amin, habambuhay kaming mabubuhay sa kanilang anino at habambuhay nilang tatapakan ang aming pagkatao. iyan ang problema sa mga tao eh. tulad mo, masyado kayong nabubulag sa panadaliang aliw, sa panandaliang papuri, sa lahat ng panandalian. sabihin mo nga, uunahin ko pa ba ang pagbanggit sa aming seksyon sa bulletin kaysa sa pagbabayad sa aking matrikula? uunahin ko pa bang bumili ng gel na pampaganda ng imahe ko kaysa sa pagkain ko sa araw-araw? uunahin ko pa ba ang kung ano ang ikasisiya ng iba kung alam ko namang nahihirapan ang mahal ko sa buhay, ang aking ina na siyang tutustos sa luhong ipinagpipilitan mo? ano na ang nangyari sa simplisidad na itinuturo ni la salle?

ikatlong puntos. sabi mo naniniwala ka na magaling kami. at hindi mo kami pinagdududahan. pero ang masakit para sa iyo ay ang sinasabi ng ibang tao tungkol sa amin. nasasakatan ka rin. una sa lahat, kung naniniwala ka sa amin, kung alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi kami mahina, na matalino kami dahil hindi kami nagpapadala sa ka-impokritahan ng ibang tao o dili kaya nama'y sa kabulastugan na ipinipilit sa aming suungin, bakit mo kailangang makinig at masaktan sa sinasabi ng iba? bakit kailangang unahin mo silang dinggin kaysa sa sarili mong anak? bakit ba natatakot ka sa sinasabi nila tungkol sa amin? sabi mo pa, ginagawa mo ang lahat para maligtas kami sa kahihiyan. kung talagang mahal mo kami, bakit mo kami kailangang ikahiya? sabi mo na kilala mo na kami. sa tingin ko lang, hindi talaga. dahil kung kilala mo talaga kami, sana alam mo kung paano namin pinaghihirapan ang lahat ng aming ginagawa. kung paanong hindi kami natutulog para rito at kung ano ang isinasakrpisyo namin maabot lamang ang alam naming kagalingan namin. pero hindi, hindi nga namin binibigyan ng problema ang sarili namin, tapos ikaw, ang lakas ng loob mong pilitin kami sa bagay na hindi namin gusto. kung naniniwala ka na magaling kami, hindi mo na kailangang makinig sa iba para patunayan iyon. kasi kilala mo na kami. kasi alam mo at tanggap mo ang aming mga pagkukulang at ikaw bilang aming ina ang nagpapadama sa amin na awayin man kami ng buong mundo, lagi mo kaming tatanggapin kung anuman kami.

ikaapat na puntos. sabi mo naiintindihan mo kami. naiintindihan mo ba ang pakahulugan ng pang-intindi? una sa lahat, sabi mo suporta lang ang hinihing mo sa amin para sa stallion at hindi ito tungkol sa salapi, sige nga ano bang klaseng suporta ang hinihingi mo para maging matagumpay sa stallion? aba, sa tingin ko hindi naman ata rally o cheerleading squad ang hiling mo don. pagapsok namin ng klase, hindi "kamusta na ang buhay mo? ayos ka pa ba? alam ko namang mahirap ang pinagdadaanan mo pero kaya mo yan!" ang bungad mo. sa tuwina na makikita mo kami ang sabad mo lagi: "kamusta na ang solicitation mo? ayos pa ba ang nasososlicit mo? alam kong mahirap ang mag-solicit, pero kaya mo yan! basta magtanong-tanong ka jan at kailangang sa biyernes ay mayroon ka na. pag wala ka aabangan ko yan hanggang sa magkaroon ka. kahit manghingi ka na sa magulang mo para mapuri nila tayo. 'para sabihin nilang you are one among the greatest members of the cream of the crop!'. at pag di mo yan nagawa, wala kang grade." ano ka longganisa teacher? laging may kapalit? pangalawa, kahit mamatay ako hindi ko madadala sa hukay at sa langit na nakapag-solicit ako ng kinse-mil para sa aming stallion. wala naman yang ibibigay sa aking diploma o pambayad matrikula pag ginawa ko yan. wala naman akong mahihita dyan kundi purihin ng iba na para sa ngayon lang naman. bukas, pag may naka-kota na na iba, kakalimutan na rin ako at higit sa lahat, mabubuhay ako at ang susunod pang henerasyon ng aking pamilya nang hindi nagbibigay ng kinse-mil sa stallion na iyan. kung talagang naiintidihan mo kami at ang aming paghihirap, sana hindi mo na lamang pinansin ang sinasabi ng iba tungkol sa amin. sana kami na lamang ang kinampihan at ipinagtanggol mo. sana kami na rin ang kinapitan mo at hindi ang mga kaibigan mong walang hanap kundi tsismis. at sana kung talagang nanay ka namin, sana ipinadama mo sa amin na tanggap mo kami kahit pa kami ay kulang kulang. dahil mahal mo kami eh.

sana maka-graduate pa ako.

at pagdating ng panahon, ipapakita ko sa iyo.

na kaya ko.

kaya namin.

kahit di ka naniniwala sa amin.

basta naniniwala kami sa aming sarili.

at wala ka.

as the song says, some things are better left unsaid.

the letter 'l' has it all.

2007-02-23T22:40:00.000+08:00

the letter 'l' has a way of complicating things.

life, for one, has already been complicated. the other three l-words that make life more and

more complicated are: loving, leaving, and letting go.

loving. it is

hard to love when you know from the start that there's some point in our lives that we have to

end it anyway. it is ahrd to love a friend whom you know will be taken away from you at the

end. it is hard to love a lover whom you know has no defined future with you. and most of all,

it is hard to love a point in our life that we know will end anytime fate forces it

to.

it is hard to love. but what makes it far harder is that it is the most

difficult to resist as one just feels the urge to burst out what one feels. and it is only

through love that anyone can feel content and completeness. as they say, it is easier to feel

a heartbreak than to feel nothing at all. pain makes you alive while the absence of pain is

just like dead and no longer dying.

leaving. it is a terrible heartache

to see a back being turned, knowing that it may take forever before it could face us again.

similarly, it is hard to turn your back to all the things that made you feel your presenc is

important, that made you feel alive and active, and that made you feel your essence as you and

not just any other individual. i don't know which is aching more-- a person leaving, realizing

that he or she has to go somewhere else without the people who would support his wings, or a

person left behind, dawning to him that he must fly although no one would support him and that

he is still far from the peak his fellows have reached.

letting go.

there are certain periods in life that we ahve to live in another world and learn to move away

from where we have used to be. there comes acceptance; acceptance that nothing in life is

permanent and that in order to progress, we have to move on and let go of the things we'd like

to keep. we own nothing in this world. what we have now will someday and somehow be taken away

from us. we will have to let go of the wonderful things and strive to find new ones. we have

to let go for as long as we keep on holding back, we can never be loved, left behind and let

go of newfound things. because technically, we've never allowed 'firsts' to start in our life.

the hearts day

2007-02-14T22:25:00.000+08:00

the v-day

for an nbsb and hopeless romantic like me, this day is the worst.

but actually, who cares?

i know there's the little green monster growling within me whenever i see couples with flowers, balloons or whatever things that made me remind i don't have these sort of things..

anyway, i just ahd another v-day with my friends under the hot afternoon sun while playing dodgeball, sack race and three-legged-relay. in the morning, someone not special gave me a portrait of myself. they said it was sweet but hurtingly but honestly, it didn't even make my tiniest hairs in my nose rise up. it was okay. but it was... weird. (?) it just feels like no one really gave anything for me. i appreciate it, really but i'm just too.. too.. just not looking forward to it. hehehe... i even felt a little insulted. i don't know if he gave me that because i'm "likable" or because the likes of me need to realize that we are not pretty and even a portrait cannot perfect our imperfections. anyway, i really don't give a damn anymore. :p

the date

my date/s for the day are my friends. we went to the mall. did some eating at hot loops then parted for further dating moments with some of us who stayed at rob and some went to sm lipa. joycie was my date for the day. we no longer had any eating moment but we got crazy over stacks and stacks of clothes that we have to knock over to find our perfect power suit! woo-hoo! i accomplished the job faster than expected and i even got nice clothes. not the over-sa-oa ones nor the best-of-the-best but at least they are the ones, i prefer to wear. funny is, it's as if joyce and me are only friends when we are to fit or to purchase any specific clothing. once we get to the racks, we hit them by ourselves leaving each other to attend in our own quest. and if ever we find the perfect or the almost perfect or the supposedly perfect one, that's the only time we consult each other and talk about what we chose. i ended up purchasing 2 blouses, one a tee and the other a long brown blouse with sabrina cut style of neckline, and joyce bought two blouses and a pair of cute striped brown flats from sm dept store.

i just love shopping with my friends!

in this case, friend.

the goodbye

i got home at about quarter to eight in the evening. and my mother was not bothered that i go home that late. it was all part of the 'letting my child go' stage for her and i understood it. honestly, i enjoy it for at least, i am given the freedom to do whatever i like but set my own limits. anyway, i had a nice time with joyce. it was definitely a keeper!

and it dawned to me...

single life is not that bad at all!

however on the 25th of july, i have to keep my deal with april dawn and have a boyfriend to break the nbsb curse...

so 25th of july... here i come!

and for inquries, just text me at....

just kiddin'!

:p

define gullible.

2007-02-11T20:38:00.000+08:00

rizelle, rizelle, rizelle, my brightest and most cunning-est friend. made the clever-est valentines' gift for a single and hopeless and given-up-on-romance me. wanna guess what is that?

making me believe that berna's father is just beside them. when i called him you-know-who.

wow! it's definitely the rose on top of the bouquet! (for the dead)

anyway, it's nice and very funny, thinking that i felt remorse about it and that it was partly the reason why i don't feel like eating. wow! thanks chi....

you pulled it nice on that one!

and here i am... miss gullible.

i seek for revenge, miss you-raise-me-up!

wahihihihihihihi........

(^^,)..V

sorry for the inconvenience. still under construction.

2007-02-11T18:42:00.001+08:00

gawd. i am so in trouble. bad shot again. i never thought he'd be there to keep up with his daughter and her groupmates. unfortunately for me, i never had the right instincts. oh yes. he was there. and the words i despise the most for this day are: "you-know-who". under the influence of harry potter, i just slipped and gave away my cruel thoughts about my friend's father. i really mean no serious harm, okay. i just want to ask how everything's going on while they were there. but unfortunately again, he sensed there was something more than what i mean. which is true. but at least i really didn't mean to offend him. arjae said rizelle could've been joking but i knew otherwise. and i know that what happened is very much possible to happen. oh gawd. i really feel terrible.

after that, i just continued eating my ice cream.

and typing away...

and finally as of 6.45 pm at sunset, i finished my part in chapter four!!! until reality dawns in, ooops! still a draft, still needs revisions. anyway, my inspiration for work are the two pints of cookies and cream and butterscotch selecta ice cream which i asked, begged rather, my mom to buy for me. oh gawd. it was bliss. it was a total sugar and chocolate rush!

due to my anticipation and dedication to finish the job, i didn't eat lunch until my mother came home from the grocery (at about..hmm.. never mind! think i lost my sense of time) and informed me that i was so absorbed in the computer that i didn't even eat my lunch! i didn't feel hungry anyway but i think it's still important to get my mind all worked out.

so this means chapter four is almost done next on the list: chapter 5.

i guess ensaymada isn't much of an effective idea. guess well just have to finish it.

unmasking the promenade

2007-02-10T13:07:00.000+08:00

the prom. it was good but not nearly that dream i would like to have. it would've been better if i weren't the emcee together with a loser who's an expert in making people feel like a loser. and i did. i terribly felt like one.

but all-in-all especially the dancing part, it was great!

oh come on! let's admit it.

i know my friends would be confused again of what i would say. but after what mr. smugy guy did, i felt like a dream prom would be asked by mr. kumag. i saw him dance with another girl and felt like he was looking at me but i didn't want him to see me look in his way. i don't know. it just felt like for the last time, i'd want to be dance by a person so memorable to me. it doesn't mean i have to go back liking him, it's just that i knew we had a slight currently disconnected connection that i somehow held onto, that somehow i felt would make us friends and keep wonderful memories together. but it was all a joke. a lie. i will never be memorable to him, when he was for me.

it hurts more when i knew for a fact, he was the first one i cried for.

maybe, i am really into him the day we became friends. but i did not regret refusing to him. i mean i can never be the perfect one for him, right. i just wanted to have that last dance. at least, a farewell one that i was not able to have that night. i drowned myself to the upbeat music and tried to forget thinking that dancing with me would somehow slip his mind. i just really want to have that last dance. to at least say goodbye. i never thought that our phone conversation would be the last. if i did, i would've made a special ending with it. and at least, i wouldn't expect anything from him especially that last dance.

i guess we're both in a dream we really don't share.

i know my friends would blab about how weird i am because i don't know who i really like. and probably insist that i am dipped into regret again. i just want to make it clear, that i don't feel that way. it's just that i really held on to the thought that he would come to me and ask me, if not the last, but at least a dance. just to say goodbye from each other. i don't ask for anything else. just a simple dance. a memory i would bring as i move on.

the good thing is, i became an angel to another person. at least , he told me that he was glad to have me to dance. he may not definitely be a person i would like but it's good to feel that you are wanted and that you made one dream come true.

and for my final dance....

i had it with my bestfriends.

i may have grown weary of them since i have been with them for years, everyday of my life. but sooner or later, i know they are the ones ill miss the most. sooner or later we are to move in separate paths, take different courses and meet new people. sooner or later, we are to say goodbye.

and then i realized, i have someone to share my dream with.

(^^,)..V

the stupid status message

2007-02-08T18:47:00.000+08:00

the most pathetic words of the century that overthrew that of the gravitation-is-not-responsible-for-falling-in-love theory :

"sino ba talaga sa kanilang dalawa..... naguguluhan talaga ako kung sino ang mamahalin ko........hay bakit ba kasi sabay pa kayong dumating sa buhay ko..... ang hirap magdecide........ kung sino ang mamahalin ko?"

eeeeeewww. excuse me but count me out.

i get it! the reason why you were so pissed off was because your some sort of a girlfriend just got very very jealous coz you're escorting two girls! and now you're confused whether you'll choose me or her. oh poor you, little donny boy. i pity you for the tragic dilemmas of your dramatic and pathetic life. how pathetic.

excuse me but you can count me out you know. you don't have to give any stupid reason that you are confused between two girls. first of all, i don't care if you like me and having me in the picture which both of you have been there before just makes life more tragic for you. second of all, i don't want to share any picture with both of you. i am kind and understanding and polite but you can never ask to be in favor of you again. third and most especially, i am more beautiful than the girl you chose before. no wonder why i got you confused.

thanks for the attention but i really don't crave for any.

and may i inform you, you just asked me to e yur prom date. it's no biggie! so stop falling for me. fall for someone else. i don't need to share you from anyone anyway. you are definitely not worth sharing.

get lost.

don't go jaw-dropping on me.

:P

stage advisers

2007-02-08T18:33:00.000+08:00

oh and by the way. i don't need your adviser to push you to escort me in the entrance. and your adviser has just done something to piss us off. if she thinks ill overly react if you won't escort me, excuse me but im not as overrreacting as her when we refuse to work for a useless and worthless organization.

when i met mr. smug-slash-chinito-slash-loser boy

2007-02-08T18:04:00.000+08:00

i regret writing about him in my blog. such a waste!

i mean, you don't have to take me if you don't want to. it's not as if i am forcing you to do it for me and besides, in the first place, everything had just been simpler if you didn't come into the picture.

i thought that for the first time in my highschool life, i met the guy i have been looking for. but now, i just realized: first instincts were never right. and if i could just turn back the time i wouldn't have said "yes" to you, anyway. gawd. im so gullible. he's such a mean fouly bastard who does nothing but pretend as if he's an innocent guy with the purest but lousiest concerns for other people.

f-y-i. i don't need you. i can take care of myself, thank you.

i mean, looking back, jonathan never treated me that way. even if he was a chickboy, he admitted that and never did he pretend as if he was the very very nice boy-next-door. patrick may have been a little naughty especially during our chit-chats but he was never that disrespectful and very very mean.

i meant to tell you that you are one lucky bastard for having me agree to you. i would have said yes to the others, whoever would but i didn't. and gawd i am so darn foolish for falling into your trap. excuse me, but i will have fun tomorrow night. and no one especially you can stop me.

kenji told me i should not make this a big deal. i mean, if he were to see this, it'd be like feeding his ego. and most probably, he'd think that i am head-over-heels for him. hello?! i may easily fall for someone, but i can be easily displeased.

but of course, it'd be a little mean if i push you away tomorrow. ill just wait if you'll come or not. if not, i'd smile my best smile and enjoy the evening.

you're not one of the reasons i'd enjoy the evening anyway.

you could've been one but honestly, you just lost yourself brownie points.

i don't know if you were just not in the mood during that time and you meant no harm for me, but you are still a kid. you really don't know how to treat girls right.

no wonder i never heard anyone linked to you.

then, i really won't care after i write this. i don't care if you want to be your "little Ailene" would be yur partner. damn, i don't! perhaps, i just wanted to blurt everything out that's why i wrote this. because honestly, it makes me feel pathetic that you made me feel pathetic when never in my entire life has done that to me. i mean, i may have said the cheesiest lines to some "other guys" but they never made fun of what i say. i can feel from them that they really took it seriously.

if you don't care, i won't. you can count on me for that.

well, good luck sucker.

don't go jaw-dropping on me, tomorrow.

it's enough revenge for me.

:p

pointlessness to ponder

2007-02-05T19:41:00.000+08:00

yahoo knocks me out of my feet. yup. everytime it knocks, i always have that hyper hormone surging through. and luckily, i managed to control myself, take a few breaths before i even reply and hit a cool pick-up line. i was supposed to make my chapter III and sign out from the internet but i just cant stop myself... i really dont know what to do. haha.. very funny.

it's just so weird to get my tongue-tied when i talk about you-know-who. i don't know. i admit i am really too fast to fall for someone especially since i had an affection for that person before. i just stopped myself before it goes too far. all of it was just like a joke.

i never imagined that the joke was on me.

but i knew for a fact, that things are too late. for the first time in my highschool life, i found someone worth of attention. someone you'll find so super duper hyper when you see him but manages to take ahold of the intense situation (mmm...dyahe!). someone nice and sweet and thoughtful.

but of course, things are not meant to go on...

i can feel that it's alot better to be friends. i like him, i do. but not "like like" him, owkei? but i just feel a little disappointed because i knew, after the prom, everything would be back to normal. normal as in.. as if nothing ever happened. i knew that maybe there would be little hi's and hello's back and a little chat through ym but after that, there's no point to say anything to each other, seriously. i knew that i had to say good bye and that i would find someone new, same goes with him. i knew it'd be an experience but it won't be that lasting memory as anyone would want it to be. i knew it won't be that page in our scrapbooks and will only be a footnote from our own stored-in-memory diaries. it won't be that special. but what's the point of making it special, anyway?

so ill just enjoy the rest of the day as long as the sun has not set... yet.

which is to happen anytime now.

guess i have been wrong once again. i have fallen for the same old crap. but i won't let myself be affected too much.

cheers for me! for my bestfriends [sibs]! for my fantasy date list! and for that lucky bastard for having a once in a lifetime opportunity of having me as his date. lucky you. poor me. :P

scissors, paper, and clay

2007-02-03T22:26:00.000+08:00

this weekend had been a peyton-ic weekend...

new blog. thanks to my dearest and music-addict-morphed-into-patroness-of-art friend, arjae. she has the extreme talent at blog-making. imagine having finished a new blog for hours when it takes weeks and months for me before i could make one for myself. so just like joyce, i asked for a very early birthday present..a blog. i think phoenix would definitely crave for this present!

i never wondered that my mom would be that "crafty".

aside from the terrible deadlines that need to be met by this week and the write-ups for the stallion blah..blah..extra work, the prom bugs my mind alot. i never really imagined myself making anything that requires extreme creativity, let alone a mask i would wear with the gown! i tried conceptualizing and planning but i am afraid, i'm only good at those things. the concept is grasped. the execution quite questionable.

but then, my ever-optimistic and bright and sunny attitude told me to go on and believe in myself, be trapped in my reverie and illusions that i could make one "wearable" mask. so i planned. i conceptualized. i made use of my creativity instincts and tried to bring out a hopefully, colorful, new and creative.. me.

and it ended up...

the only materials i thought of for my mask was white paint, white glitters, silver glitters, white sequins and glue. i think it's enough but thinking more closely made me think twice. i felt i was just about to make a star. it's prom right? not a holiday presentation. it might win me a prize, though.

i just can picture out the moment my name was announced........

"the most peculiar and 'seasonal' mask for prom award goes to.... Anthonette Malaluan, for the Star of David inspired mask!"

how Lasallian-ic.

however, in the midst of my hopelessness, there came the star.. my mother! all she did was to volunteer for the job and took over. she even pushed me away to deal with the write-ups than touch her precious little creation. fine by me. i gave up trying to find any future with Creative 101 lessons, anyway. so i just ended up with my pal, my pc. but before totally submitting myself to computer work i threatened my mom... "basta pag nasira yan...........ayusin nyo."

later on, my mom called me up. she told me to look at the progress she'd made. i was shocked! gawd. it was great! it was greater than the concept i have thought of. it was not the star of david that could be seen from far, far way nor the mulawin-inspired feathery-fur-y mask projected last time during the practice for failure. it was wonderful. it was not at all extravagant and attention-seeking but it was at least something you'd be proud to wear. it'd be something you'd use to feel good about yourself. it was simple. it was....... me.

although the theme was white.

and now, i don't care about my mask anymore...

ill just leave it all to my dearest and picasso-in-the-shadows mom.

(^^,)..V

what makes a nice holiday

2007-02-01T19:59:00.000+08:00

ill give ten remarkable reasons why tomorrow is the perfect-est holiday ever:

1. waking up early to go to school
i thought i'd wake up at around 10 am at least. but guess what? it just feels like it's a school day. great.

2. making the investigatory paper to be submitted in the afternoon
thinking that the holiday might postpone the chance of submitting the total experiment for disaster, we were just disappointed at the end

3. starting to write a 15-page approximately chapter 2 which totally tears your eyes out
it's the start of sleepless nights just to accomplish a paper that will be nothing but the major and ultimae threat to our future.

4. market-going for mask-making
a prom which is supposed to be a time to go away from stress, is now causing me a headache!

5. walking miles away from my house just to cross the street
imagine, walking twice a day 10 meters away from home just to go to school just directly across the street. it definitely adds the cherry on top of this bright new year

6. longing to be home early not for teevee but for typing the thesis again
death for a teevee addict after days of all-out no teevee for thesis-making

7. sleepless nights just to finish my thesis
another quarter of partnership with my friend, coffee with sugar and no milk.

8. grammar-illiterate dudes and dudettes who write senseless things for their yearbook
what is i dislike you? if you don't like our section, i also don't like you... even a strand of your filthy hair. thanks for the dedication anyway!

9. armalitic voice of my editor-in-chief
dramas with "for crying out loud" quotable quotes and eerie tiny sounds and grunts which can crush any person's eardrum.

10. missing somebody
no comment. :p

gawd. this definitely makes my day!
post with obvious sarcasm. support the "do it the bright and sunny way" movement.

hazing for starters

2007-01-27T16:50:00.000+08:00

quickpost...

last night was scheduled to be my column-writing period but unfortunately, it was postponed due to the absence of any dulce im supposed to be having. so to have a little inspiration, i decided to make a sneak peek on One Tree Hill.

gawd. i enjoyed it! it was more than the feature of very as in very very cute faces (with terrific bods!) but a takes-you-to-the-edge-of-your-seat plot and very very nice quotes and lines. it was different with princess hours. it definitely has the mark of an American upgraded and beyond standards production, definitely worth of praise and awards! later on, i glimpsed at our wall clock and i was shocked to find out that it was 3.00 AM! i thought it was just 5, or maybe 10, or maybe 20, 50..whatever minutes that has gone by! then, i heard my mom wake up (which she usually does every Saturday morning to do laundry early). and the initiation of my newly-found addiction was a hazing. she spanked me in the butt! hehehe.. poor me! anyway, i enjoyed watching OTH and i am really looking forward to doing it again, this night.

sssssshhhhh..... keep it secret. owkei?

(^^,)..V

-amazed. dazed. hazed.

hyper mode struck, as usual.

2007-01-26T21:02:00.000+08:00

Ok. Don't panic. let's admit it. it was cute, i mean, very cute. never in my entire highschool life has anyone done that to me. it maybe quite simple, but at least it feels good to be treated special and i knew my friends felt special too.

what added more to the spice for the day were a series of head-turning events for arj, mia and me. everywhere we look, there'd always be those wafu guys around. even if it means another "as-if-my-eyes-are-poring-on-you-forever" moment with arjae's no. 1 stuck-on-her fan!

one thing ill never forget in la salle would be miss africa. and i know, shell never forget us also. she made us feel what truly any children would. she made us feel hatred when punished but still we leave a sense of respect for her. she made us feel happiness on our funny moments but a readiness to take part of anyone's passion in times of pain. most of all, she made us feel loved as if we all came from her but never did she fail to let us experience that althroughout our highschool life. she taught me not only to count numbers but to count all those thank you's to the lord for having her around. if there's something i will never forget about her, it's her tranquilizing breath (haha! because it makes us sedate and resort to secret candy-sharings in her classes...? nah!). because of it, we are able to feel the goodness of peace and tranquility.

i went over to mara's. and met Alpo, my destiny. he was the cutest and most admirable dog i had ever known. he was very cute and very sweet and when you tag at his leash, he stands up as if a normal person and places his soft cute little paws in your shirt, leaving you footprint-ful and making you appear like a part of the flooring. his hair is as fluffy and curly as his male ownerand his pet-instincts are as likable as his female owner. oh, it's love. but i dont really think we're meant to be. please.

last wednesday night, there was a new type of hyperactivism. it was more of hypersensitivity...to reality. it has just dawned to joanne and me that in just weeks, we'll leave the walls of the type of life we had become used to for all our life, and try to find another. if there was something harder and more frightening than anything else, it'd probably be making the decisions on to where our life will lead. no one knows the future, and the least we could do is plan. the problem is, what if the plan backfires, it's hard to turn back time and start the engine again especially if we have flung over the cliff. where do we go? it's hard to plan when there are forces around you that control your fate. all you can do is to choose among the options fate provides and voila! something happens to you before you know it. what freaks people out is the turn-out of any option you make. life is not your friend, you know. it could make and break you.

the page cannot be displayed

2007-01-24T23:05:00.000+08:00

the sky has no limit; but for everything else, there is.

***
some stars are within reach. gawd. i envy kenji and rizelle! they had a chance to interview ATE VI! imagine what it feels like, meeting face-to-face lipa's mayor and one of the country's renowned actress. it is absolutely an honor especially for a vilmanian just like me. how i wish i was there too....... hehe...

***
the fishy missy strikes again. she started it with that damn cotillion (or whatever the spelling is). i, personally, don't like it. and i don't want to ruin my relationship with my father after those days of ignoring me just because we went home at around 6.30 even if we were only with my cousins. if they want that cotillion, then they should volunteer themselves and not others who don't want any pasosyalan in the first place. it just felt so good to tell her i feel not threatened after attempting to force me to agree if she would speak to my mother. i can still remember the words: e di miss tanungin nyo ang nanay ko kasi kahit anong gawin nyo hinde papayag yon. i knew our house is just across the street but it's still not safe outside for i know very well that there are drug addicts walking the streets at night. (ciempre it's their time to do their bisyo) plus, i never really wanted to be there. what added more to my hatred, that made me almost blow off is when my classmates insisted that it should be me. i'm sorry but i am not really a popularity and pasosyalan fan. i told rizelle that and she agreed. she knew that given the choice of studies and that, of course, with no question i'd rather stick to my books and eat my heart out studying. i like the prom but i am not made for synchronized and practiced dancing with the weird Muslim-inspired instructor. maybe it's my unexpected and excess male hormones that triggers me to refuse it. hehehe...

the fishy missy solicits again. has she got no manners?! first thing she asked when rizelle said they went to mayor vi was: nagsolicit ba kayo sa kanya? duh!

***
peter cayetano vs. the first gentleman. their limits were tested as yesterday, the most-awaited cross examination by cayetano was initiated regarding the bank in Germany where most of the Philippine budget goes. Corruption! the never-ending topic!

***
ateneo's embarassment. the scenario was funny as it was played once again on tv patrol. but, some ateneans were interviewed about their reactions to it. majority were embarassed of both parties and claimed that they were a disgrace to ateneo. gawd. ateneans are definitely impressive! they make an impression of incredibly smart youth and very notable students. rizal was right to promote atenean education.

***
when ensaymadas don't suffice. it requires a total brain drain before you can even come up with the perfect answer which will be marked wrong after 30 seconds of writing it. but still well try very hard to do better this time.

***

day-off

2007-01-21T16:33:00.000+08:00

right now, i am struggling to write my column. it's my parting column so i really want to give all my heart coupled with my dulce and my anti-sloth-y mode for it.

last friday, i was absent for two reasons--my excuse letter says i was sick, reality chips in: i went to Manila. (^^,)..V well, i just can't miss planning for my prom just to attend a half-day class and what?! oh. don't bother knowing. so it's my mini-time for myself. to rest and have a vacation, a very short one.

thursday evening, all lights on the streets were on and makati was definitely alive and kickin'!! woo-hoo! on the previous days, my sister told the good news about my prom dress. she and my sister (younger than her) chose it for me. it was okay. i liked it because it was very simple. and i never thought that with my tan color, i could wear a metallic mid-pink mid-purple a-line gown with a very weird but very cute top, with beads and pleats and folds. oh gawd. it's really so hard to describe. but every detail and design of the gown was included only on its top. the dress, i mean, the skirt (long skirt) is just a simple one--no design, no detail or whatever that is supposed to go with it. plus, it only has two layers which is a perk for me but may make the gown seem to lame. i don't know. i like my gown because it was simple but something seems to be lacking.

maybe i'm not just used to wearing gowns, anyway.

or maybe it feels incomplete because of i still don't have any accessories on. (except the earrings)

or maybe i am a....

No way. I am defintely not.

heehee... (^^,)..V

sense and sensitivity

2007-01-21T15:25:00.000+08:00

there are certain things which you'd want to be left unspoken of. while others would be something you'd like someone to hear out. whether you try to hide it or burst it out, your inner you just tells you what you've got to do. and the response has an effect on your body language, which the chosen would understand and the naive will be left nothing but naive.

i tried to hide, to conceal, to camouflage and to act innocent. but every single effort was all useless. the effort was not that obvious yet, yet nothing really happened. i was still stuck in that stinking mood.

i tried to reflect on myself. what would this dull and lifeless feeling bring me? why would i dare to swallow all the pain and be as distant as possible to my friends, to my family, to all those who cared about me? it's pointless. in the first place, i was never that lonely person.

it was not that solitude and peace i was looking for that i found. it was loneliness, pain and isolation. who would want to live in such a hell?

therefore, the only way i'd feel alot better would be to go back who i really am, to be comfortable of everything that goes, to ignore the pressure, to avoid worrying. the greatest strategy of facing any problem is to face it with the end in mind. in this case, it is always victory.

all grown up.......almost

2007-01-14T20:35:00.000+08:00

lately had been my most responsible and mature hours of my life....

last week, i remembered talking to my friend about marijuana boy. i told her what happened in my last conversation with him. and honestly, i'd like to tell my friends, please don't think that way. i have my own mind, my own decisions. i don't want you to think that i regret listening to you and choosing to listen over your advice than being with that person. i just know deep inside that he's not meant to be with me. and all i want to say is that i don't regret what i've done. if i were to have 'someone special' i want him to be someone i could be very proud of for all of you. and i know very well that at my very young age, i could not find anyone perfect for that qualification. so in short, i don't have anything against anyone and i have completely (not moved on) but ignored what just happened. i am just so passive about it. but sometimes out of something to talk about, i just blurted it out. and at least you would know any update about me. so to my friends, thanks because i owe all the wonderful things i had in my highschool life with you. i know i am being over dramatic but i just want to be honest about how grateful i am for having you around. at least now i am more sure of myself of what i want, of the things i need to prioritize and of what matters most to me, my friends, of course.

today had been my "motherhood day". uh-uh. i am not preggy nor have any kids already but today had been like my own The Simple Life Mother's Edition. because my mom is sick, i cooked, washed the dishes, swept the floors, cleaned the house, and ironed my own uniform for the upcoming week. mind you, it was not a very nice and enjoyable job. washing the dishes were okay and cooking as well but when it comes to ironing......uh! hate it! imagine the iron was so hot and i was so sweaty despite the cold weather and the electric fan focused on me. good thing i was not asked to shop for our food in the market or wash the eeeky, dirty and smelly fish! later on it made me realize how hard was it for my mother to do all these housework then attend to our needs as well. imagine having to wake up at 4 early in the morning to wash our clothes every weekends and at weekdays she'd prepare for her stall at the canteen. poor mom! it made me think of not having a family in the future anymore, if it would mean all these difficult jobs! i'll just hide in the forest or something............

(^^,)..V

disconnected

2007-01-13T15:52:00.000+08:00

yesterday supposed to be my blogging wake up time, but due to terrible unforseen situations, our phone became dead! funny was, all i heard were a couple of pulses (beat! beat!) and i felt nervous that i might've done wrong with our line that's why there was no dial tone.

so it's why i cannot post for my blog.

got nothing to do...........

(^^,)..V

post for yesterdaywhat webster tells you...

2007-01-13T15:51:00.000+08:00

dys.pep.sia (noun). turbulent and irregular movement of the stomach; similar to that of spasms.
dry runs for the ncae brought not just 'deja vu moments' but extreme hunger. growl! i heard my stomach complain for countless times since the nerve-wracking computer exam. my radar tells me food! foOD! FOOD! but what can i do? aside from the strict 'sample' proctor and the pleasure of being with the kuhol-like front seater, there's no way i could go out and leave my peeps to grab a bite. which is why at our most-awaited lunch at kfc, i had a spasm. ouch! whether i sit down or walk around, there was always the troubling spasm. fortunately, it stopped now.

***special thanks to motillium! and the inspiring belly dancers...

pic.ture (noun). an image of a person, a thing, a place, anything in this world printed on a special type of paper known as a photo paper. see also photograph.
i recopied my pics for extremely important reasons, extremely significant persons. unfortunately due to my absentmindedness (while buying the mamons in the mamon-an), i left my picture with two goons! gawd. i just went off from the jeep rizelle and i was riding when in my reverie, i woke up and found out that i lost my newly recopied pics! gawd. imagine i hailed for a 'trike' from the other side of the street and ask him to take me back to big.ben. when i cam back, the goony vendor denied seeing something i might've left. i was close to hysterical! seeing that i was becoming furious, he gave back my pics. his other goony mate even asked if he could have some. hello?! eew. please. i just smiled and told him rather tactlessly that the pics are not meant to be given away to someone insiginificant like him, whose existence does not make any sense to my life. i don't care if he was hurt as long as i made it all clear to him. i counted the pics on my way out. good thing it was still complete.

rest (noun). a momentarily retreat from tiring and wearisome work.
today has been the rest day after the exams and also a rest day for me for sleeping s late just to watch princess.hours. anyway, it's owkei and i really wouldn't miss it for the world!

ob.ses.sion (noun). intense desire to achieve or acquire a thing, a luxury or a goal.
if only televison could be reality, i would die as have a deadly serious death just to be in caijing a.k.a. janelle's shoes! i am super obsessed. i am guilty. there's never a day that i never think about it, talk about it or dream about it. how i wish there are thousands, hundred thousands, millio...billions of filipinos who would love it too! hope it becomes a hit! a top-rater!

end (noun). the termination of a certain process, job or simply an action
.
(^^,)..V

candy castles

2007-01-07T11:37:00.000+08:00

you had them for a moment, in a second, they're gone.

i know i should've been happy about it. among thousands of examinees, i was one of those who passed the challenge, who was able to reach their expectations and fit into their qualifications. but all my efforts were not enough. i needed help, support which can only be catered to me through my shcolarship. without it, i am no one. i have no future anymore. my family can't afford my tuition fee and expenses in ateneo. i need that scholarship and if it wouldn't be given to me, my dream will be left nothing but a dream, a bubble popped as time goes.

i envy my sister. she had it all. she has a well-defined dream, a goal, a purpose. best of all, she was able to have it all and make all her dreams possible. she was perfect. and here i am, sharing her shadow before and totally obliterated now. where am i to go? if there's one place where i found my dream, it is in ateneo. but without the opportunity to make it there, where am i suppossed to have my dream? i really don't have any clue on what to do next. i feel there's no hope for me to go on. i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate it! i know i should learn to accept whatever comes. but how could i? it is the only thing i am holding on to now, and i don't have it anymore. i don't want to live like a 'nobody' and in order for me to make it big, i should strive for it. i did! didn't i? wasn't it enough? i tried hard. i've forgotten all those distractions, made my life into a lonely hell, living according to what books and education entail. i've focused greater than i did for the past years, tiring myself everyday, studying, studying and studying. frankly, the only time i ever had a life was only during the holidays. but, nothing happened. it earned me to what?!--just a damn***.

i know i should be grateful. but i just can't. i just can't pretend that i am happy. having no scholarship feels just like being rejected. what's the point of continuing if there's no future waiting for me. i never admitted before, but now, my envy for my sister goes strong. buti pa sya. she has it all. i was left nothing. i have no dream. and no dream is ready to wait for me.

i am hopeless.

from a teenage drama queen princess

2007-01-06T21:08:00.000+08:00

oh my god. my princess hours obsession heightens as more and more people are hooked up with it! i am truly overwhelmed to say that the princess hours society is about to reach its baby boom as more and more fans rave and crave about it! i am so super happy!

hehe...

my friends even joked that i should be its producer in the philippines. come to think of it, i advertised it, demanded for its ratings immediately after it was aired, and even fought for it in one "kapuso blogger central" tag box. as many as my friends are, are the times i persuaded them to watch princess hours and get hooked. and best of it, i was successful! whehehe... victory is in my hands! (^^,)..V

oh yes. after two more months, i will graduate from school. time really runs so fast. at the moment, it feels like one of my firsts and in a second, it is about to end. i suddenly felt excited for finally 'growing up' and being more independent at the same time, i feel so worried whether that new world will accept me or will i be able to enter in that new world, without entering the hole of a needle.

oh no. my dearest (sarcasm.) adviser emphasized that the stallion solicitation ~~shits~~ sheets must be 'filled-out' already as the kick-off strikes at the 22nd of January. she even emphasized that the level 9 students were able to reach their quota at short notice. and according to her, it was a sampal for us. hello?! how much is their quota by the way? and duh! i don't care if they slap us several times as long as it's not physical. and who gives a damn on their "achievement" ?! as if! if i could just answer back, i would've said, "care ko." (slap!)

oh. the exams are on! and every year there's only one thing i can say about them: i hate them.

(^^,)..V

--------------

oops! newsbreak....

i just passed....... ACET!!!

(according to james) hopefully, pati scholarship... i pray.

(^^,)..V

trip out of boredom.

2006-12-20T11:40:00.000+08:00

for about two weeks i'll be out of lipa to spend Christmas in manila!!! (makati, to be exact) so it means, another hibernation period for my blog and all; but of course, i promise to update after i got back and even if they say that "a person's travel is the most boring story to hear", i am glad to share it with you...

i just started shopa 3 : shopa ties the knot and it was utterly amazing!!! plus, it really helps brighten up my mood. i mean, after days of reading the series, i just realized its therapeutic power as if it brings you to a socialite's world with bliss defined as--shopping and being famous. and another thing, it also helps improve my speaking and writing skills since i am beginning to learn a few new words... i also adore luke's proposal! and if i were to choose between Becky's Mum or Elinor's wedding plan.....i would go for Elinor, even if she's a nightmare of an in-law! oh god. how i wish i also have that fairytale wedding....................

which reminds me, a few months from now would be our prom, and i don't have anything to wear yet! well, it's our last and i really hope it'd be the best!

well, gotta go now our the bus will leave me............

oh by the way..

i think i am beginning to like the dubbed Princess Hours. and i am glad that alot of people are enjoying it! plus, the fact that there were so many commercials played in-between episodes prove that it is in-demand even at its first two days of showing!!! haha! my campaign was successful! i can see myself as the next top producer and then, i shall produce more films where i can also act as the director, or play a minor role, or a major one (why not?!). then, ill be interviewed on teevee, people will fuss about my works, i will achieve best screenplay, best actor, best actress, best film awards and all... and.......

obviously, the shopaholic fever got me.

(^^,)..V

closed doors. open windows.

2006-12-18T23:48:00.000+08:00

closed. this day closed the chapter of "confessions of a shopaholic 2 : shopaholic takes manhattan" for me. i have just finished it and actually, it inspired me not to be a shopaholic but to update my blog so often and perhaps patronize what they call as the "chick lit". it was nice. so super cute. and most of the time i cried whenever becky blames herself for all the misfortunes she brought to luke. but the ending was oh so adorable! it was the type of bliss any shopaholic would feel after buying piles of clothes for sale on Fifth Avenue, or for local patronage, on Greenhills. to sum it all, it was worth every penny! (in our case, peso)

opened. this day opened the episode of Princess Hours. oh God! i was waiting for it for it seemed like ages. (although it's just a matter of months) i was so super excited and the first time i did after waking up, was not to brush my teeth, but to text my friends that today will be its first showing on Philippine television! (i mean, i even stopped the dribble from "dribbling out" of my mouth..you know the disgusting story...) anyway, i was always non-stop! after uploading my new pix on friendster, i captioned each after the bliss i feel for the most awaited Princess Hours! oh here goes.... to cut to the chase, i was ever so glad to watch it! but at first, i hate the panoramic view, black as in SOLID black stripe on top and botom of the screen. i mean, what is that?! and the unnecessary music scoring, as if it was taken from Sandwich's album or something, "sandwiched" between the ultimate heart-jumping episodes and scenes of Princess Hours. hello?! plus, the so-so dubbing for Chaegyoung..err..Janelle (as they call her) which makes her a little on the "palengkera" side than the sweet and gentle and pure innocent voice she has... oh well! here i am totally non-stop again. plus the fact................

bolted. i looked at myself. really good. and then it struck me. hey! i am better off alone than holding on to stupid hopes of something from "mr. kumag" or much more from "marijuana boy". i just realized what joyce said, "you're too fast to fall, too slow to move on." then i say to myself after that, "why not try to move on, because obviously, they had." last time, jonathan texted me with these words: "ei antonette. jonathan to. msta?". okay. don't panic. i was frantic for a moment. then it struck me again. why bother replying if before i have tried to move on from him and even swore to forget hime totally?! ayt?! and much to my surprise, i didn't reply! oh god! i am so super duper proud of myself! as for patrick, so what if he (probably) deleted his friendster account?! i don't care if i don't see him anymore. anyway, he's just history already...

so from now on, i have bolted ~~my heart~~ (eew! much too corny!) myself from them. closed. totally.

vacant. i really have nothing to do lately so most of the time, i am vacant. but in fairness, i arranged my room and it was alot, make that far lot viable and appropriate for living. hehe... i really want to go to manila na so i can shop for clothes and stuff which can occupy my empty closet. (which has been currently occupied by my xmas clothes which only means that it is not that empty and that i am just.......you know the story.)

and best of all, i can't wait to open my eyes to the world of the dolphins!!!

closed. open some other time.

(^^,)..V

obsession impulses.

2006-12-16T20:56:00.000+08:00

oh yes. i am truly obsessed for Princess Hours!!!
and on december 18...

it is time for the Philippines to be taken over by the ultimate. as in ultimate. fever!!!

i really don't know what princess.Hours made me addicted to it so so much! at any day, any hour, any minute, once the topic is brought up, i can't stop myself from blabbering about it. it was a always nonstop conversation. everyday, the teevee is always turned on channel 2, and there i was, waiting for the tiniest chance that it's commercial shall be played on. worse, i kept on surfing the net for any korean phrase i could use to talk with my fellow princess.Hours fans! worse than worse, i am in terrible search for someone just like xin! and unfortunately, the standards he has set don't seem to exist. (hopeless romanticism)

and as addition to my xmas wishlist, i wish..i wish that princess.Hours will be a total hit here in the Philippines! actually, i have made a campaign at class to watch it! hahaha.......

never in my life had i been so excited!

************
probably, i may hibernate for a few weeks to totally celebrate Christmas... and that's all and farewell, at the moment (hopefully!)

************
Advertisement:

Looking for the perfect love?

watch princess.Hours on Channel 2! weekdays, after Maging Sino Ka Man

surely, you'll love it!

Government Warning: princess.Hours fever is dangerous to your health.
beware of obsession symptoms and hopeless romantic syndromes.

(^^,)..V

ultimately bliss.

2006-12-16T20:51:00.000+08:00

finally! classes are over, at the moment and the super awaited for Christmas Season is on!
i really have no mood for blogging lately, though i don't know why. so i just want to at least update my blog with my shortest entry ever! hahaha.. (^^,)..V

watching other people's backs

2006-12-11T18:43:00.000+08:00

farewell. i have watched as other people turn their backs on me. believe me it felt no good, but i learned "accepting" it.

farewell to my dearest friends. no man can be an island, for the moment. but sometimes, it is absolutely an inevitable to be an island, to stand alone to watch them as they take another route, as they leave me. i was happy for them. but the sad truth sank in. forever was not true in friendship. someday, we'll leave each other, look at each others backs, reminisce the past and hopefully, come back..at the definite time fate allowed.

farewell to my cousin. i was so happy spending even the littlest time with them. and i am really looking forward to seeing them again. but only time could tell when.

farewell to my "object of addiction". i was depressed as the DVD was snatched from me (although, i approved of it!) for several weeks, it had been the dream that i was living, the hope that i was breathing for, the love i am looking forward to having. i love and i am a guilty addict of Princess Hours and i admit, i really can't help myself but put myself to sleep by watching it nightly, everyday. i don't care if other people will laugh at me. but i really can't help myself. i think i need professional help to take me away from this addiction! (^^,)..V and now that i can see it on television, i can't stop myself from waiting for it in every commercial break. i can't bear to swtich to other channels for the fear of missing a single advrtisement about it. oh crap! i am super addicted.

***
i realized i am "in love with the thought of being in love". in love at the thought that in this fate, i can have someone like him, someone so perfect, someone...my ideal someone. in love at the thought that in this fate, i can have him at any time, that i must be prepared, that i must be vigilant. observant. keen.

but of course, i have a different fate. i am no caijing. i really can't have anyone like xin.

so here i am struck by HRS (hopeless romantic-ness syndrome) waiting for fate to allow me to find him. because i am terribly in love with the thought of being in love.....

in love with the thought of having someone just like xin.

-princess.hour_addict (^^,)..V-

oh by the way,
good news!
my mom shopped my xmas outfit! im super excited! (^^,)..V

wonders of being frank

2006-12-04T00:39:00.000+08:00

if you hit the point hard, the point hits them and goes straight back to you. (a quote in a positive light)

before i totally sign off for another week "focused on studies".. here's a quick recount of what has happened during my lola's death anniv.......

my relatives suddenly changed their treatment to my father. maybe due to the frankness of my dearest and best-est ever-courageous sister who confronted them, the gold diggers and uncivilized people, before. now, the cruel jokes have been lessened and there was peace, joy and not a single trace of fear for any ruckus that might occur.(!) my father seemed to enjoy (for the first time after so many years) the family reunion as it was insult-free and respect-dominant.

another good thing, my everdearest tita was absent! *laughs* (how cruel...*winks*)...(^^,)..V

and with these, ~~i rest in peace....~~ i sleep for "tomorrow is another day" (princess hours) and i am talking nonsense here!

and nextweekend will be the grand as in GRAND party for two birthday blasts--ate yhen, dec.3 (also joycie's bday) and tita lina, dec.10!

everything else is bliss with exception to my.......

postponed xmas shopping

oh no!

(^^,)..V

the boy.friend scrapbook

2006-12-02T21:57:00.000+08:00

i am a certified n.b.s.b (no boyfriend since birth) and a fellow hr. (hopeless romantic)

and perhaps due to the extreme symptoms of The PRINCESS HOURS Effect--h.r.s. i have come up with my own scrapbook, as in literally.. where my scrap past love ~~affairs~~ experiences are revealed! haha..

let's start from grade 4...

a.k.a. "mr. cool-ot dude". the name says it all, he's kulot and he's salot. he's favorite hobbyis to bug me, to punch me, to abuse me. he was never the sweet guy you would crave to know nor the super "pogi" guy you would drool for. but among all the others, he became my best-est guy friend! (until now) beyond the ka salot-an-ness is a serious side of him that cares for his loved ones so much that he is willing to give all and sacrifice even his name for it. he was my crush before and if he was "wafu" he would most probably be my perfect prince charming but of course, time changed. however, our friendship stayed the same and perhaps, grew into a brotherly relationship. (in addition to that sisterly relationship i have with her gf!)

and now, from grades 5-7...

a.k.a. "mr. luzvimin torpedo". call me "loyal" but i became his super loyal fan! he was cute, mapute, and known around campus. he has the voice of an angel the fingers of apollo and a guitar that sings the most heartfelt melody. i remember when he came up to me (in j-ann's service) and i was blushing all over! he was "torpe" as his servicemate-slash-bestfriend would describe him. but, it was not just the problem. he's bestfriend is his girlfriend! and honestly, they complement each other. but of course, it's just a crush so why would i feel bothered?! aja pa din! since i see nothing wrong with it! and as the saying goes..."enjoy life, for there are other seashells in the shore." (fyi: their relationship is still going strong..lucky them! and i'm happy for them...)

and now we move on to level 8

a.k.a. "mr. lamapayatot kuripot". it all started as a joke and then developed into a crush. whether he had a crush on me, i don't know. but i have come to realize that i don't have any reason (at all!) why i even had a crush on him! aside from kuripot, i admit i looked more manly than he is! *(^^,)..V anyway, sorry to my ka-sibs who's his gf now...

then, on level 9...

a.k.a. "mr. dark beam-na-beam". he smiles always which made him catch my attention. he's dark but has the whitest set of teeth i have ever seen! (hmm.. my tooth.fairy instincts...tooth.radar beeps) he also has that flying, bouncy type of hair best shot while riding a bike or while a gust of wind blows hard. he was kind and all but knowing him more closely made me realize he's not my type after all.

during the level 9 and level 10 transitional stage...

a.k.a. "mr. kumag feeling-player". as of the moment, i now declare that i have moved on from him. he has curly hair, glasses and braces. (which the tooth.fairy despises) he's kind and sweet on the phone but he's a player..feeling player. he loves to listen on the list of girls who find him cute (when they find him freaky and nerdy, in fact). he loves it when he hears someone is jealous of him because of being related to another girl. and he has a Master's Degree in Cheesy Speech Delivery which, unfortunately for me, i have fallen for. and upto now he is that scumbag......

and at level 10...

a.k.a. "mr. marijuana boy". yup, he has been rumored to have taken drugs as his pasttime. and he also acquired M.A. in Cheesy Speech Delivery which again i have fallen for. but in fairness to him, he is much nicer than the former and he even understood when i refused to go out with him. good riddance! at least, i have to maintain focused on my principle: STUDIES FIRST!

as time flies.... it's noice to go back on those past memories of foolishness and "kilig moments". now, it is just a past that i will leave and look back to learn from. and as i move on to college.. i really look forward to another episode of funny "kilig" moments which will make my new life more memorable than ever!

question is,

who will be the next victim? (^^,)..V

paying little visits

2006-12-02T20:14:00.000+08:00

their visit was entirely a big deal. (for them)

maybe i just wanna let it all out. just recently, my wonderful insans came home for xmas from their stay in the states. they really missed home and hanging out with them is definitely something to look forward to, for me. they were like my sisters too and i really missed them.

but the story's not about them.

it's all about my tita's and tito's who are so eager to take advantage of the situation, to do everything that would make them "in good terms" with my tito-ninong from the states. (perhaps, it's because he's a quite weak already that their expecting some inheritance or something) they kept on orbiting around my tito as if they are his ever willing servants ready to be summoned for his every comand. little did my tito know that they are like flytraps, so so sticky to "the-big-catch", just to have something in return.. to ask money as debt that'll later on be converted to the "tiway" (t.y.-thank you) currency.

what make me more furious is the past anger i felt for them. my sisters and I have been fighting for respect due to my father. perhaps, he may have done something wrong to tak the glory out of him but after all, he is still the elder. and no matter how everything changes, one thing is true: he is worthy of respect perhaps maybe not as an elder but still as a person.

what we kept on receiving are insults. and i admit that sometimes i even join in their most cruel jokes to make up for the hurt i feel. but still, if they claim they are refined and civilized people with a broad understanding of all those misunderstood, they would understand my father. he is still my father after all. and i couldn't let this injustice happen to him. he has suffered that much to let himself go astray. and now that he struggles to get back on track, i wouldn't let any person to hinder his way. and if they bring him down, i would carry him up.

we, his family..his true family, will.

even if it means the world against us.

in fairness to my other titas, i am glad that they, the rational and intellectual, still exist in the family. at least, their minds have not yet been clouded my conceitedness. at least, they do not stick to "the-big-catch" just for the sake of money but because they knew, it is their duty. at least, they appreciate our good fortune and does not make monsters out of us through pathetic rumors.

and to my everdearest tita, who's hobby is to borrow money and backstab the person she borrowed from, thank you. at least, you have been the example of the nightmare i don't want to have. at least, you have taught me not to be like you. and never will i wish to be like you. i may have been cruel but i really don't care. and the next time i here you lecturing my mother about the "false" upbringing you claim she has done to us, i'll slap it all in your face. look at the mirror.

to my friends who have done nothing but to console me from the "issues" that have been affecting me so much... this is one of them.

the war is just about to begin.

all.new.me

2006-12-02T20:01:00.000+08:00

this blog only took two days in the making....

finally, my blog came out from ashes, resurrected, and was made better than ever!

for the nth time, my sibs barkada told me to update and here i am.. better then ever!

i really wish they would like this......