beyond the candy castles

Sunday, January 07, 2007

candy castles


you had them for a moment, in a second, they're gone.

i know i should've been happy about it. among thousands of examinees, i was one of those who passed the challenge, who was able to reach their expectations and fit into their qualifications. but all my efforts were not enough. i needed help, support which can only be catered to me through my shcolarship. without it, i am no one. i have no future anymore. my family can't afford my tuition fee and expenses in ateneo. i need that scholarship and if it wouldn't be given to me, my dream will be left nothing but a dream, a bubble popped as time goes.

i envy my sister. she had it all. she has a well-defined dream, a goal, a purpose. best of all, she was able to have it all and make all her dreams possible. she was perfect. and here i am, sharing her shadow before and totally obliterated now. where am i to go? if there's one place where i found my dream, it is in ateneo. but without the opportunity to make it there, where am i suppossed to have my dream? i really don't have any clue on what to do next. i feel there's no hope for me to go on. i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate it! i know i should learn to accept whatever comes. but how could i? it is the only thing i am holding on to now, and i don't have it anymore. i don't want to live like a 'nobody' and in order for me to make it big, i should strive for it. i did! didn't i? wasn't it enough? i tried hard. i've forgotten all those distractions, made my life into a lonely hell, living according to what books and education entail. i've focused greater than i did for the past years, tiring myself everyday, studying, studying and studying. frankly, the only time i ever had a life was only during the holidays. but, nothing happened. it earned me to what?!--just a damn***.

i know i should be grateful. but i just can't. i just can't pretend that i am happy. having no scholarship feels just like being rejected. what's the point of continuing if there's no future waiting for me. i never admitted before, but now, my envy for my sister goes strong. buti pa sya. she has it all. i was left nothing. i have no dream. and no dream is ready to wait for me.

i am hopeless.


posted by anthonette || 11:37 AM