Sunday, February 22, 2009
finally.
it's the last week of the month--the ending of a month's plot and the beginning of a new chapter.
for the past weeks, i have been trapped in the cloud of confusion. the events were all going too fast! and from a simple student who wishes of nothing else but be--simple, i realized that there is more i could give to the world than just staying simple. however, though the desire for growth, change and maturity somehow manages to forge through thickets of self-doubt, i cannot help but find myself sometimes stuck questioning my capability and my readiness to the risk i am to take. this even led me to consider bailing out despite letting people, who believe in me, down.
i may want a simpler life. but to disappoint people, though it's the easiest way out, would be death for me. and then it struck me, the only assurance that i or anyone else have made a difference in the world is when we have done something that made the world leap in surprise!
how would i urge them to leap, if all i would do is just stand?
and so this week, i end my contemplations..
i am anthonette malaluan of BS Public Health Batch 2007-2011, running for VP Externals.
and i will prove that there is more to me, my batch and my college than what meets the eye.
we will leap and the world shall follow.
posted by anthonette || 4:24 AM
Thursday, February 19, 2009
mahirap kalabanin ang antok.
the week's not yet over, but it feels like a month already.
nung december, nag-one year old na ang phone ko. alam ko un. nagcelebrate pa nga ako e.pero ngayon di ko na macecelebrate un ever. first thanks to my brain na ewan ko ba kung bakit seriously inflicted with memory gap even at a young age and second, kasi ang phone-slash-organizer-slash-alarm clock-slash landline ko ay nareformat.
yes. REFORMAT. zero. wala.
kasalanan ng security code. dahil sa pagiging paranoid ko, aun di na nagopen ang phone ko ever. (and so i leave you a tip, wag na kayo magsecurity code!)
pero di pa natapos ang kalbaryo ko sa aking phone.
after mareformat, aun di na rin nagopen ang memcard.
odiba, yay happy.
on a lighter note naisip ko, maybe there's a purpose why my phone's memory was washed out. maybe there are people of my past who once became special, no longer exist in my list now. and yet, there will be who'll still choose to stay and be part of what i have now.
si lord na ang nagsabi na i should forget and move on.
posted by anthonette || 12:33 AM
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
i just NEED to let it off my chest. TOTALLY
honestly. i don't know where to start.
ewan ko ba. pero simpleng tao lang ako. when i first stepped into college i never pictured myself aiming higher than makapass (or kahit above average) sa acads or magparticipate sa whatever org. yun lang. simpleng tao lang ako. masaya na ako to socialize and feel useful to anyone. i never thought of doing something greater than that.
but in the recent turn of events, parang nabibigla na lang ako with the gigantic leaps i am to take. i don't really understand. first, i want it rin naman. i never wanted the title, really but the job, the purpose, the catch na "externals", that's what got me into this. gusto ko lang talaga to open myself up to greater possibilities. possibilities na kahit sa ibang mundo ko pa siya maranasan, i would still be close to where i am at right now. to the people where i belong. i want to do the job, really. to organize events that i surely won't do na by the time that i leave college. i want to speak in front of a crowd and make them listen. i want to meet different people. know them. know their stories. and even share my stories to them. alam mo yun, in the first place, i never wanted to be given any title. i just want to know people and find out how i can touch their lives or somehow help them be..happy. gets?
alam ko some people would say i am being "politician"-ish, pero the thing is, wala akong gusto but to serve, to serve na hindi ko kelangan magpretend that i know everything or that i am good at everything. gusto ko parang kabarkada lang lahat. the feeling that i dont have to impress anyone pero i get to do wonderful things for them. the feeling na i could help.
the problem is, di nila ako masyado kilala. and un na nga un e. how many more of us, like me, ang hindi nila kilala na actually willing to push themselves to help?
honestly, di ko nga naisip ito as stepping stone to med e. i didn't really want to plan my career to use it for med life! pero things happen.
thankful naman ako to those who believe na i could do this. to those na willing ako tulungan no matter what. to those na kahit paulit-ulit na ako and feeling ko sirang plaka na ako, go pa rin and they listen. to those na kahit sure na sila e sige pa rin ang encourage sakin. and to those na nagsabi na no matter what they'll always be here.
pero i was thinking din, kung simple lang talaga ang gusto ko, why am i letting this bother me bigtime?
siguro nga. i wanted that job rin talaga. pero i am still apathetic of the title, really. siguro nga concerned talaga ako na with this gigantic leap, i can make myself be heard. na may isang nhet na kaya naman kahit from scratch siya.
and i was thinking rin, if matalo man talaga ako, of course it'll hurt like hell. pero at least in the process diba i'd get to see who my true frinds really are and how willing are they to go with me through this risk. siguro matagal before i accept it. pero alam ko darating ang time that i would get better things. better openings. better possibilities.
hay. i don't know anymore!
posted by anthonette || 6:10 PM
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
kung nagsasalita lang si peanut
Dear Mama,
Ang sama mo.
Doon ako naghihintay gabi-gabi, umaasa na sa pagbukas ng pinto makikita kita na buong pagmamahal na aakayin ako upang ipadama sa akin ang sarap ng may nagmamahal. Lagi lang ako nandoon, ma, naghihintay at laging nag-aabang na baka sakali o kahit panandalian lang, babalik ka para sa amin, kasi kami ang iyong pamilya at tanging kami lang ang nandito para sa'yo, ano pa man ang iyong pagkakamali at pagkukulang.
Alam ko naman na sa araw na lumabas ka ng pinto bitbit ang iyong mga gamit, punung-puno ng kaba na may halong pagkasabik, alam ko ma, na aalis ka at iiwan kami. Alam ko naman yun, na darating ang panahon at gugustuhin mo rin lumagay sa tahimik, kasama ang isang pamilyang ikaw ang nagbuo at magbibigay-ilaw. Alam ko naman na di habambuhay kahit gustuhin ko man, na nandito ka sa tabi namin. Alam ko na aalis at aalis ka, kahit pa hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit.
Alam ko naman at kahit papaano pinipilit kong intindihin.
Pero hindi ko lang matanggap na hayaan kang umalis na alam kong masama rin naman ang iyong pupuntahan, ma. Hindi ko naman ibig husgahan siya pero sana man lang mapatunayan niya sa'yo na sulit ang pag-iwan mo sa amin. Sana lang ma, maisip niya kung gaano ka namin kamahal na ayaw naming masaktan ka at mapanindigan niya na aalagaan ka niya di man tulad ngunit halos kawangis ng pag-aarugang ibinigay namin sayo.
Pero bakit ganon? Ni anino niya hindi ko nakikita. Posible pa kayang dumating ang panahon na mapaninindigan ka niya?
Sabi nila ako daw ay bunga ng pagkasuklam at pagkawala ng iyong pag-asa sa kanya. Sabi nila na dahil sa matinding paghihinagpis mo, kinuha mo ako upang pag-alayan ng pagmamahal na binalewala lang niya. Masaya ako. Kasi kahit pa ganoon, kahit pa kinupkop mo lang ako upang may mapagkaabalahan kaysa umiyak, kahit papaano'y hindi nawala sa iyong puso ang mabuti mong hangarin at ang katangi-tangi mong kakayahan upang magmahal.
Pero dahil lang ba bumalik na ang buwaya, iiwan mo na rin ako upang kalimutan ang pangako mo sa iyong sarili?
Pangakong hindi ka na sasama sa may sinamahan nang iba?
Ma, ang sama mo.
Alam ko naman na darating ang panahon na aalis ka na. Na iiwan mo na kami. Na gagawa ka ng sariling pangarap. Sariling pagsisikap.
Pero sa tingin mo ba kaya kong maatim na iwan ka sa isang taong nangiwan na rin sa iba?
Basta kahit anong mangyari nandoon pa rin ako. Naghihintay. Sa may pinto. Para sa pagdating mo.
-Peanut
posted by anthonette || 6:32 PM