Sunday, September 23, 2007

it happens when you discover apathy

all this time, i know and i try to deny that i am cruel. my life revolves only in me, myself. i am just fraud, pretending to care and show concern when i know deep inside, i have been selfish. i intend to make "others" or Christ the center of my life. i tried. but i knew well "i" is the only center of my life. until this precise moment, i am self-centered and i think only for myself, of myself and by myself alone. i have always believed that simple things would make a big difference but i know, my simple deeds fill only less than a quarter of all the efforts i need to be selfless.

i break hearts, ruin friendship, deflate hopes, neglect trust and hate love. for a while, i felt disturbed. then later on, i found myself not caring, and just letting things happen. i was neither sad nor was i happy. i leave no comment; as if every tragedy was no longer a downfall for me and nothing but something ordinary, something that i would let go of so easily. to pain, i become sad; to happiness, i feel joy. but only for a moment. it was as if i have expected that my feelings would run dry sooner or later, like a river flowing so freely then dries up suddenly with the scorching heat of the sun. every feeling were all temporary and when they all slip away, i am left with nothing. no feeling at all.

maybe because i never let anyone enter my life. i never let love capture me. this was my choice. i opted to never let any person discover my vulnerability. i have friends but only to a certain extent. i was always afraid to feel the pain of losing them which is why i devise myself to get used to them leaving. i never speak of pain. if they are bound to go, they are bound to go. and i won't mind. i was never a good sister or daughter. i fulfilled my obligations but never did i realize the importance of it. i was afraid that if i start liking it, i would become abused even if i know i should never doubt my family. i was never a good lover. i never loved and i let no one love me. all i feel was fondness and when it expires, i drop them off. just like a book, i re-shelf them when i'm done and let other people use it but leave it once and for all. i knew all these things and yet i choose to be silent instead, to let things pass.

pride is my mask. what sustains me from believing that i'm causing no one harm is my indifference. what harm will it cause if i say nothing? i make myself feel content by claiming that i never cared and that i can always rely on no one else but myself. i never spoke even when i knew, silence kills.

at this point, i have unsilenced myself. i cared. i've always wanted to care. i've always wanted to speak up. but then i knew, it wouldn't matter because after 12 minutes, the feeling shall pass. i'll shut myself up about pain again. i'll let things happen as to how i believe they would happen.

and then there was silence.

posted by anthonette || 3:29 PM

define greatness.

everybody can be a hero. although heroism can be manifested in various ways, our motives define how much we deserve it. people say, we live for a reason; i say, we live through reason, for reason urges us to initiate an action, gives meaning to our life and saves us from the harsh consequences we have overlooked. thus, reason is the basis of being a hero.

all this has only dawned to me after i have watched Dürenmmatt's Romvlvs d' grayt, a tragicomedy about the last emperor of the Roman Empire and how he faced the largest empire's downfall during his reign. while his ministers were hysterical about the conquest of the Teutons in their former terrritories, Romulus was complacently watching and drinking wine as if a spectator bored with the show. he took no action and plotted no retaliation against the Teutons and sat down to wait for the empire to fall.

history tells us the incompetence and treason of romulus, the last emperor of the Roman empire but the play unravels otherwise. Dürenmmatt interprets the series of events not as treacherous but rather a rubric of heroism to redeem the world from violence with the collapse of Rome. certain points were shared and highlighted. Romulus revealed in his argument with his wife that all along, he planned and desired to be an emperor for his own ambition--not power, but to destroy the Roman empire. for him, he was enthroned not as an emperor but a judge that shall end the monstrosity of the empire. he believed that his power does not entail honor but pudency for he was crowned through bloodshed and not because he deserved to be but because his men murdered fellow countrymen, devastated lives and orphaned children for it. Romulus did nothing to save the Roman empire, but with his reasons, we can say he was a great person.

the play relates to us that heroism and patriotism has certain limits. it is very noble indeed to give our life for the sake of our country however, we still should consider if our life is worth giving up for our country. does our life deserve death for a country who betrays itself? is it really worth it to defend a country that fosters corruption, treachery, volence and fraudulence? perhaps, we grasped a misconception about love for our country. we do not need to actually love our country but to love and fight for what is right for our country. therefore, heroism is not just about love for the country but it is having the right kind of love for the country.

for this reasons, i can say that Romulus, indeed, was great.

posted by anthonette || 6:21 AM

Thursday, September 13, 2007

so sick

ituloy natin ang laban para sa pamantasan ng bayan! Sumama po tayo sa mobilisasyo ng mga iskolar ng bayan bukas, Setyembre 13, 11am po kitaan sa RH steps. Red Shirt day! Tutungo po tayo ng Morayta ng 1pm. Approved na po ni Chancellor ang letter mula kay SR para maexcuse sa klase ang mga sasama. kaya tara na! may pag-asa pa! Sama-sama nating ipakita ang ating pagtutol sa tahasang pagtapak sa ating karaptansa edukasyon. Junk TOFI! Save UP!

this was the text message i received the other night. and without any doubt, i will go. i am very anticipated to go unfortunately, i woke up this morning with 39.8C temperature, my body shivering, my head aching, my vision almost black and my coughing crazy.. it should've been my once-in-alifetime and most mmorable experience buyt then, i wass not given any chance to go there because of my fever.

all day i was stuck in my room wiht nothig to do but to sleep and drink my medicines on time. (and cough all the time) luckily, my friends texted me and informed me that classes were called off and that i missed nothing really. except that i missed joining the rally. my firneds didn't go because ofd the weather but surely i'd go if i was there.

stupid abrupt weather changes.

posted by anthonette || 5:42 PM

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

toxicity

my monitor turned black. okay this may not be a sign of a good week ahead when while i was blogging and suddeny our pc crashed and right now, it's not functioning anymore. stubborn pc.

good thing, there's a laptop available:)

so here i am blogging before going back to my article rev about colonial education(which is really hard for me because of my cough). going back to my weeks' predictions, well, i admit i was wrong and definitely these past few weeks were the best despite the hectic sched.

okay here are the highlights: :)

august 26- shopping with nina!

here's the deal. we're gonna shop together for or clothes to wear on corregidor. and despite the pouring rain, we went anddefinitely as in definitely had fun!!! it was the best moments i had with nina. wee!

august 28- christ's youth in action graduation night

finally i can certify that i am a full-pledged cyaer after six weeks of 5:30 to sawa exchange christian life series at the pgh chaplain's house. well in spite of getting freaked out with walking every tuesday night at the dak streets of pedro gil, the experience was worth it! i had a chance to meet new friends not only from upm but from other schools--ust, plm, csb etc. and a chance to revive mty connection with the lord. (haha am i really saying this? haha). it was a one-of-a-kind experience. the pray over was the most eventful of all. i felt a different sensation within that made me so vulnerable. and the subtlety of it all made me cry so much that i found myself wondering how i cried that much. the dgl's said that at that precise moment we are to receive the gift of tongue which lets a person speak in a foreign language while in deep prayer. whether i did speak in it or not, i really don't have any clue but i know i prayed from my heart and worshipped god with all my might.

september 10- results with math17

what more can i say? bliss because i passed! and i'm super proud of my score. hihi :) yippee! i just have to fulfill my promise of treating my friends at chef d' (waaa!) and do something charitable. so goodluck with more dep ex's to come! :p

september 13- red day

hmm. although this hasn't happened yet, i am here to encourage evrey up student reading this blog to join the rally for the rollback of up's tuition and other fees increase. it doesn't matter if you afford it or not, what matters is to fight for the right of every student to gain quality education while preserving the objectives of the school: to reach out to the needy. if we don't act, who else will bring this matter into consideration? given that we can afford, that we can tolerate the increase, what about those who wish to have a good life, a good education but can't afford it?

this move is not only to fight for our rights but to prove that at this crucial time of economic and political crisis, we are united to work for the same goal for the benefit of the masses. it struck me when the rtr's cited about plm, with their tuition fee of 12pesos, boycotted their school when the proposal of 75% tuition fee increase was put into consideration. if plm can, why can't we?

so if you are a up student, show your support by wearing red on thursday, september 13. and see you on our struggle to fight for our rights.

posted by anthonette || 3:31 PM