Wednesday, January 30, 2008

i'm supposed to wake up 2 hours from the time i posted this

let me just say a "few" hate me's for this day:

i hate myself because...

**i can't seem to retain the things i have been studying. i need FOCUS but it's gone missing. grr. i would read something then it turns out after a few minutes that i don't actually remember anything from it!

**i can't sleep. i just can't. it's as if i have an automatic clock in my head which rings an alarm for sleep at 12 noon and if i missed it, it will re-alarm at 3am. grr. which is why i end up dozing off in my classes.

**i missed a lot of cya sessions. i have been feeling all guilty and sad lately because i compromised my commitment for my desperation to work for a better grade. (only to find out that the exam would be postponed to next week) i know sorry's would be nothing compared to what i have done but i just don't know wht more can i say to show how sorry i am. i know that my own prayer time is not enough, i mean, it'd still be better to get together with the group which helped me nurture it but i ..well, i am just sorry. :(

**my things are sooooo messsy! i took them out, took them in, ran to and fro fixing my things and everytime i managed organizing them, the day after, they're all over the house, again!

**i can't stop watching palos. i know it maybe baduy to the majority. plus, the "agent missions" are so cheaply conceptualized. but i just can't stop watching it. (bec of jake! grr.) and jake reminds me of......nevermind. anywaaayyy, it takes up most of my precious time (for studying again grr.) so i should just stop.

**i am not good at chem! i thought i was a little higher than average when i was in highschool. but right now, i just cna't seem to catch up. waaaa! i don't know what to do.

**i'm still having doubts about my course, seriously. i even asked myself if this is what i really wanted for the rest of my life. and i really don't think it's a good sign. (so i should just obliterate that feeling as soon as i can.)

**i always as in ALWAYS cram! there was one night when i just ended up crying while working on our lab report because i never thought i would finish it. i don't want to cram anymore. but it seems that i am more productive when i cram. but i can't cram. it's just like a suicidal attempt.

**i recently have abdominal cramps.(and take note, i'm done with my period already) i tell you, it doesn't feel any good. it's just like having amigraine, only it's your abdominal part of the body that's bellowing for help.

**i have to go. i want to write more. but i think i need to sleep.

so bye bye!

and i hope all this hate will go away! :D

posted by anthonette || 10:24 PM

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

i melted. i just wished it never happened.

okay i know it'd be another endless dramatic hopelessly romantic post

but please, just let me ..let it out.

or else I'm gonna burst.

**

no one can elude the cynicism of this world. people lie. to get what they want, use it fully and get rid of it once they find it tiresome. and what would be left to the one who has been trustful? nothing but the doubt of trusting again.

but who's fault is this really? is it the shrewd liar or the one fool enough to believe a lie?

"i quote in my blog a few days back, "all the defiance i mustered, went down the drain..." i told myself that i won't hope and that i shouldn't hope why would i hope for someone who has hurt me for so many times?i thought i have closed the door but when this thief came knocking, i was dumbfounded. i just let him in. he asked if he could just take me away. i should've felt fear. but i melted."

there are two options: to have faith in each other or to be cynical forever. you're not a fool if you had faith. it's just that you gave a person a chance to disprove all your reasons of distrust. it's decision of entertaining the maybe's and what if's rather than putting a period to close everything. but how long do we have to keep that faith? is it fair enough to risk our feelings for the sake of keeping that faith? and what if it ends nowhere?

"i hate it when you fill the pages of my planner and the spaces in my blog post--the same way you fill my head with thoughts of you."

maybe it'd be alot reasonable to be cynical. if you try to block the feelings and throw every ounce of hope, then you'll learn to live by yourself, without caring about anyone. maybe you'll learn to love yourself more because you trust no one but you. you could run away from any chance of being hurt and find solitude by yourself. but is that it? you'll just forever run away, forever feel nothing or be naive about everything? is that what would really make us happy?

maybe what we just wanted is security. security that we can be happy if we wait or security that we should get away because things will only hurt us. that probably is the only truth we need to know, need to be aware of so that we won't be fooled nor be doubtful.

"i was inspired but my glee soon faded. just when i thought things would be better, they turned out to be the worst. although i know i should've been thankful for your time, i still wanted to feel loved; and yet, you never made me feel that way. it was as if the weekend was just a blur of events and everything was just another lie. you are the liar. then it sank in, "no commitments." yea i was just in a blur."

we all want to be happy. happy to the extent that even if it would bring other people down or we'd be the epitome of sheer desperation, we'll still continue to do things that we know would make us happy. but how can it be if what we do is in conflict with fate? it's so ironic that the things that would make us happy would be those that would make us ache the most. where's happiness in that?

maybe it's time to stop having faith. maybe it's not faith anymore but desperation. let's all think that maybe we're putting faith on wrong things which is why we never had a happy ending. it's time to love ourself more and yet spare hope for a person, not the shrewd liar, but someone who deserves us more.

and if at the end the liar turns out to be honest. give him a chance. then dump him before he does.

:D

*almost happy*

posted by anthonette || 2:18 PM

Monday, January 14, 2008

stupid titanic and coffee prince hang-over

i know i am becoming neurotic. which is due to three reasons-- first, i haven't slept for a day and my longest sleep would be 20 minutes plus some sneaky naps during my histo exam. second, i feel so frustrated about myself that i crammed everytime there's an exam the next day and third, oh gawd. i just can't stop thinking about him.

i thought i just killed every ounce of feeling. i knew i did! i accepted it already but it all came back the same time he inched his way to me. (and take note it was only an inch) my mind became alive like i was liberated from the confines of hurt. it was five minutes. five leg-turning-jelly, heart-pounding and nerve-racking minutes! and every ounce of defiance i thought i have mustered, went down the drain.

i know i have to be fair to you. you don't deserve to be loathed if all you've done was to show you still cared. but you left me hoping again. a kind of hope that i thought i put off eons ago. but with just one spark it went burning again.

guess i have to hate myself for that.

the disparity between fantasies and reality is too obscured that sometimes we fail to wake up when we are just merely dreaming. And when we wake up, we'll just end up wishing we could sleep again.

you were still the same old funny you. my spite was overthrown. and your buoyancy lifted my spirits, preventing me from saying all those witty pity-you-loser statements i have just reserved for you. and what did pathetic me say? really?! i am so happy for you! which were all soo out of the plan. i wanted to be that witty girl you'll never beat, that complacent girl who can make you kneel down before her. but before you have even approached me, i knelt down already to you.

and the more pathetic thing is, i am waiting for you right now.

prince charming will never come. because if he would, there are millions and millions of cinderella's who are all struggling to take him.

i live by false hopes and false pretenses. i keep convincing myself that i can detach muyself anytime from this situation. i always tell myself that i can get over it and carry on like the happy and simple person i used to be. but i can't stop it if part of me wants to hope that maybe there's a point in this. that maybe you really meant what you said. that maybe it was something real.

i have to stop hoping if i still want to be sane.

to err is human, to love.. is to err.

posted by anthonette || 4:08 PM