Sunday, March 30, 2008

summahlicious

tok. tok. tok. at our door knocked mr. water guy to deliver water (of course). there i was home alone and feeling remorse for eating unripened mangoes with alamang. i really thought that i could deal with eating alamang (which is shrimp paste) although i know i am allergic to it. when mr. water guy knocked, i was waiting for my sister to fetch me and take me to the hospital. and why was i remorseful? because i know that i'll have to wait for my inflammed face to subside and chances are, i am gonna miss my friend's farewell party. :((

anyway, going back to mr. water guy. i opened the door and he asked, "hey babe, what's up? yo want watah?" okay. i know i'm bubble girl in red fashion but does allergy entail hallucinations? "ano kuya?" i replied. and with that disturbingly nangmamata look he replied, "haller, yo ordered tubig diba? haller" okay. that was a bit weird. not because he doesn't deserve speaking in english but because it was dumbfoundingly weird to have the once simple kuya to be speaking in gangsta language.

prior to this incident, i had a fair share of kaek-ekan texts (which are not barok but isomorphic to barok, as a friend describes it). my favorite: "hi! gud gv poh." that i have mistakenly thought to be the local radio station in lipa (gv fm).obviously this was not inspired by the "gangsta language". but conversely, it shows how overrated we are becoming for the effort (make it excessive effort) to make a statement, to build a trend.

are these changes in language part of modernization, or are we simply becoming posers, just to fit in?

i do not wish to make a big deal out of this trend nor do i wish to mock the people who use them.

but the things is, do we really need to make fools out of ourselves just to fit in?

do we really need to wear sweaters under shirts and under boleros and under jackets just because it is in style?

do we really need to apply thick eyeliners even if we know we are to stay in school?

do we really need to smoke a pack of cigarettes in public just because our "groupies" are?

there is nothing wrong to imitate or to change if it is for comfort..for the better.

but if it is for making another loser,

maybe change is unnecessary.

:)

posted by anthonette || 3:04 PM

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

messing up is a must in this mix up. :)

every incident is a fragment of our reality. we extract the meaning of each fragment and label them as an experience. experiences exist as separate entities and our mind weaves them into a certain sequence, to see that our life has logic, has sense and sensibility. and through that sequence, we fabricate its purpose, as implied by reality. and so the cycle continues..

******

i miss writing for writing's sake. it's not that i'm losing practice in this passion but i just realized that i write mostly about school stuff and not about "stuff" overflowing in my head. it really terrifies me that someday i am going to lose my passion and divert into other things--new things that i was not fully accustomed with.

in one interview, i remember myself saying, "this is my passion. with the field i am at, i realized that science is obviously not a fan of art. there are less and less chances that i am to utilize my skills. and without practice, i may lose them. it's suicide for me." chances are, i am beginning to doubt my interest and it seems that i am drifting and that my passion is wavering. that is why i wanted to take that job or any job with the same specifications. at least i know, it'll save me.

i once read that, "only fools do not doubt their skills." it was good to know that i am smart enough to be hesistant. but if wise people do the best they can to secure those skills,

i crave to be much wiser.

*****

was it what i really wanted? or was i too consumed with the exquisite pain of wanting something so unattainable?

i know that because things did not happen, the mere thought of it haunts me, thinking what could've happened when it did happen. and so, i clinged onto to every hope that he'll see me in a different light-- a light only focused on me. i waited. i played his game, rode his ride. i did the most decent way of letting him know i am here and i am waiting.

but how could you be with someone who sees you..and sees them?

the thought of love thrills me, but the waiting part is becoming too painful.

carrie bradshaw of sex and the city asks, "are we masochists or simply just optimists?"

for quite some time i believed, i am an optimist. i learned to be patient and loved every moment, thinking that it is progressing, hoping that we're moving on. take note, not just me but WE. i gave this relationship the benefit of the doubt. i opened my mind that maybe, it was his way of showing love, that maybe he is really sincere and that this is not just any petty hookup--this was something real.

but how can you hope for something that keeps its presence, unidentified?

i waited for proof. but it only led to more lies and disappointment.

then it dawned to me, i am a masochist after all.

i was consumed with wanting something so unattainable, so impossible. i relied too much on fairytales that i could change him, that i could be his biggest motivation, that i was and am the best thing that could ever happen in his life.

the sad thing is, we don't share the same fantasy

or maybe we do, but that same fantasy is shared to his "others" too.

it's just too tedious to be a space-filler. and i just can't allow to see myself that low.

this time i promise myself to draw the line. waiting is one reason, being used is another. i should've learned when it once happened but its recurrence is definitely a ground for termination. i have to love myself before "him".

then it hit me, i know i am now free. for the pain is not so exquisite anymore.

*****

when you lost a candy, don't cry over it, buy one. the dating market opens a lot of options you may choose from. it does not necessarily favor being an ultimate playgirl, but at least it opens up possibilities of more feasible and more "hope-able" potential relationships.

let's take the context of "moving on"--we cannot move on if we have no destination yet. so "moving on" generally requires a new settling place, and equipped with the pain of a bad experience, this time, we make our standards way more precise than before.

when the market opened to me, i regretted refusing it. honestly, i met a great deal of better and much-oh better people than i expected. i made good friends and potential "special friends". but i refused!! just because of my masochism. nevertheless, i dn't blame myself too much for that. my reaction, i believe, is perfectly normal--especially from someone like me who's too delusional to still believe in fairytales turning into realities.

lesson learned? never lt you children read fairytales about princesses and prince charmings. coerce them to read only little red riding hood, emperor's new clothes, wizard of oz and fairytales with no love affairs.

no. just kidding.

it's perfectly normal to read and believe, you just have to learn when to draw the line.

and when you do, it's time to move on.

if things recur, just make sure it's not with the same person.:)

remember, when you lose a candy, don't cry over it. get yourself a new one.

you deserve something much better.

*****

i want to establish my own coffee shop someday. i promise myself that.

with the surge of the joint partnership of my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, i became alot busier with managing my time between my acads and my interest in helping them out. we are all first timers and we admit that we have to learn the ropes fast for the sake of the business. which is why in every possible occasion, we need full cooperation and interest in fulfilling the job.

but for two weeks of operation, we have been tested with a lot of things and have used our skills and reason to find solutions for all the problems. the work (of course mine was less) is strenuous to all, but the fulfillment of service and profit is our motivation.

this experience only proved to me that great things come from gigantic efforts. in an economist's view, our investment is directly proportional to profit. of course, a businessman may always counter that there are wins and losses in any business but all-in-all, seeing that there are people who actually enjoy what you offer them, people who appreciate your efforts, people who support and stay with you and people who work with you and rely on what you've put up is already a GREAT profit.

nevertheless, cash is very much appreciated. :))

posted by anthonette || 3:52 PM