illusions. dreams. reverie. candy castles.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

stuck at two

its 5.30 in the afternoon, a day before our departure to manila for the final stallion yearbook check-up and two days before i practice 'getting used to' riding puv's from makati all the way to up manila.

i just realized i am no longer in highschool.

then, there are some immaturities of mine that i should throw away.last time, i had a talk with my friends and it woke me up to the reality that at ths point no one ould really take me seriously. i guess id like to give up thinking that maybe ill find someone i wanted to be with. but i guess it's not yet time. all ive got to do is divert this crappy feeling to something else worthwhile and maybe all these would stop. and ill finally pick myself up.

speaking of something worthwhile, ive spent most of my nights and ays watching television and reading books than the usual surfing the net and chatting. these past few dats i realized how fast computers make our lives pass. most of the time while im focused on the computer screen, ive been missng great events shown in teevee, been deprived of the details that i should be aware of and sleep late without having any deep realization at the end. im not saying that coimputer is bad or whatever, im just saying that being focused on something blinds us to see and prioritize the smallest and simplest things which value more to other people. for instance, instead of chatting online, i getr more time chatting with my mom and my dad. i get more time reading than staying late for internet. i get more time ofr myself than hurry up and fuss over internet stuff. i get more time. whil technology promises less time.

but come to think of it, the more we have time, the more we realize the simplest details of our lives that is worth every minute.

guess my internet addiction no longer persists.

but of course, still like it! :p

posted by anthonette || 5:28 PM

Saturday, March 17, 2007

disconnected....permanently.

march 17, saturday. the day i received the terrifying threats. the day i was shouted at through text by some anonymous lady who freaked out because i explained to her thet her message had been missent to me. the day i had the extreme headache. and all of these totally vanished when he said: i love you. ill never ever forget this day. not only because of the given reasons, but also because today i shall be disconnected to the world. to friendster. to ym. to blogging and most especially, to him. waaaaa.....

please don't take away my pc.

i so so so love my pc!!!

anyway, ill really search for the cafe where i can work my blogging out. i love it! :p

and yeah, i was able to make the perfect quote for stallion and berna approves of it!!! i think, and berna attests that this new one definitely has the right type of "soul" she's searching for. well then, i submitted it immediately to covers although i felt a little bad for not consulting almira first before doing so.. c=

then i know naman she'll understand. :p

goodbye internet, goodbye my pics, goodbye ym, goodbye friendster, goodbye multiply, goodbye blog and please not goodbye to him..... no. no. :p

-nhet-

posted by anthonette || 7:51 PM

disconnected....permanently.

posted by anthonette || 7:51 PM

Sunday, March 11, 2007

if ever monalisa cries

no one will ever know who they really are hence, will they know who others really are. we live in total ignorance, unaware of how we really feel until we finally admit it and then realize it's just too late for us to know. then again, we begin to know ourselves, not seeing the truth that there are still other things to be learned, and we make the same mistake of being blind to realize it.

thus, we can never know what our heart truly feels.

man can deceive himself as good as he can deceive others.

at some point, we experience the downfall of our ignorance and negligence. we cry. we weep. we mourn. we do all the things synonymous to what we think of as sadness. because that is how we really feel. and we admitted it. however to some, sadness is a white flag in a battle. a retreat. a sign of admitting defeat. a sign of hopelessness. weakness.

which is why often we shield our sadness through laughing it all off, thinking that if we do, at least, everyone would think we are not defeated; we are simply taking things the easier way, because it makes us feel that others would think it's not a big deal.

the righteous would say: "who are you fooling?" but i am not one of them.

id rather say that "it is what i think. shedding a tear, for me, is a weakness. and no one or nothing can change that."

that is exactly why i never want to cry.

life has given man enough reasons why god created such art of crying. what man did not know and god never made it clear were His reasons of creating 'sadness'. man made his own assumptions, bringing sadness into a positive light. but sadness is nothing but a sad word and never will it promise bringing the light.

sometimes even our sadness darkens our vision to see our own image, losing ourselves to depression and making us feel more and more desperate of ourselves. and then again, that sadness only brings us to false conclusions and impulsive decisions.

at the end, the light of regret breaks into vision.

and in that light, we try to redeem ourselves by keeping that light, by pulling us deeper into our own hell and by pampering ourselves with delight when in reality, we are rotten inside. rotten alone.

but who's fault is it? do we really want others to see we are stained and broken?

no one can ever understand. that's why we are made unique. we can never expect that others would understand what we truly feel, what we truly think, what we are truly. and when we tell them the whole truth, they will only judge us when it is understanding that we ask from them. it'll only leave us a single conclusion that it'd be better for them to see we are happy than let them see we are falling apart.

we really don't have any choice but to shut up, do we?

posted by anthonette || 9:43 PM

Sunday, March 04, 2007

courage persists when fears befall.

some may have flown, galloped or climbed their way to reach their own peaks. and i was one of them. i started humbly until i enter another bigger circle. a circle where knowledge is unending and where there were no familiar walls, no beginnings, no ends.

for all my life, i have began at a place where i knew all along. my gradeschool days have not been the humble "beginnings" for me. i started knowing what lies ahead for me, behind the shadows of my sisters' pasts and the present that seems to have reevolved from these pasts. my memories of my firsts were marked by my struggle to keep my friends, to choose my friends and to have friends, in general. but everything was so easy back then. and everyday, i'd lie my back on bed and think of the happy thoughts, happy moments with my newfound friends and the increasing collection of 'very good' stamps from my angelic teachers.

but time makes life more and more complicated. highschool was not a first for me. but it was definitely a period of great transition. as the transition settles in, we begin to change and adapt. we form new beliefs, find our new and more serious identities and define our prinicples more explicitly. it was a transition where things are not as easy as collecting stamps nor chewing gums and running in circles. the joys of it were more definite, where it only relies on succeeding to fool and get through the eyes of the three-headed dog who guides our every journey and gives us the extreme headache in the image of school work. everyday, i began lying in bed evaluating how the day had been, thinking of the possible way to get past through the monster, dreaming of getting on the end of all the pain and waking up at the nightmare of being trapped, with nowhere else to go, with no one else to be with. dreams are definitely at their worst nightmare form.

and then again, i pass through a new transition. a transition where minds, choices, decisions revolt against each other. at this time, i think of not just the monster i am to face but the monster yet to face. because for every wrong move, for every wrong turn, it is a lot harder to get to the right one. there are less guides, lights and signs that would aid you to get to your destination. you only have is yourself, your eyesight, foresight and hindsight. and if one fails, any monster could just attack you and pull you down. at this point, ice creams are no longer tickets to the joys of a carnival. and even carnivals could be the sign of your demise.

but as they say, "nothing is gained if there's no hard work."

so it's all part of a phase. no matter how we worry about being pulled down, we can always rely on ourself to climb up once again. our wings would support us. our bows and arrows shall equip us to fight. our wisdom that is innate in us and our firm will shall aid us to combat everything that hinders us from reaching our own peaks. we shall persist. and in our battle, it is not only important to forsee what would happen but most importantly to look back to where we have started, to see how far we've gone through and who helped us made it through. and as i look back, i shall be counting the stamps i have collected, i shall reminisce the most wonderful moments with my friends, laugh at my victory over the three-headed dog and be more inspired with the lights of the carnival. they will move me forward. and forward. and forward. until my goals become more and more at reach.

and someday, i'll lie in bed, thinking of my past that i enjoyed most, the past-in-the-making that once haunted and troubled me and the present where i had the joys of my haunting pasts...because at that present, i claimed victory.

and perhaps, the future-to-be where i will combat in more fights, rooting for another victory.

seems like life is all about collecting stamps. very good stamps.

posted by anthonette || 10:25 PM