illusions. dreams. reverie. candy castles.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

it happens when you discover apathy

all this time, i know and i try to deny that i am cruel. my life revolves only in me, myself. i am just fraud, pretending to care and show concern when i know deep inside, i have been selfish. i intend to make "others" or Christ the center of my life. i tried. but i knew well "i" is the only center of my life. until this precise moment, i am self-centered and i think only for myself, of myself and by myself alone. i have always believed that simple things would make a big difference but i know, my simple deeds fill only less than a quarter of all the efforts i need to be selfless.

i break hearts, ruin friendship, deflate hopes, neglect trust and hate love. for a while, i felt disturbed. then later on, i found myself not caring, and just letting things happen. i was neither sad nor was i happy. i leave no comment; as if every tragedy was no longer a downfall for me and nothing but something ordinary, something that i would let go of so easily. to pain, i become sad; to happiness, i feel joy. but only for a moment. it was as if i have expected that my feelings would run dry sooner or later, like a river flowing so freely then dries up suddenly with the scorching heat of the sun. every feeling were all temporary and when they all slip away, i am left with nothing. no feeling at all.

maybe because i never let anyone enter my life. i never let love capture me. this was my choice. i opted to never let any person discover my vulnerability. i have friends but only to a certain extent. i was always afraid to feel the pain of losing them which is why i devise myself to get used to them leaving. i never speak of pain. if they are bound to go, they are bound to go. and i won't mind. i was never a good sister or daughter. i fulfilled my obligations but never did i realize the importance of it. i was afraid that if i start liking it, i would become abused even if i know i should never doubt my family. i was never a good lover. i never loved and i let no one love me. all i feel was fondness and when it expires, i drop them off. just like a book, i re-shelf them when i'm done and let other people use it but leave it once and for all. i knew all these things and yet i choose to be silent instead, to let things pass.

pride is my mask. what sustains me from believing that i'm causing no one harm is my indifference. what harm will it cause if i say nothing? i make myself feel content by claiming that i never cared and that i can always rely on no one else but myself. i never spoke even when i knew, silence kills.

at this point, i have unsilenced myself. i cared. i've always wanted to care. i've always wanted to speak up. but then i knew, it wouldn't matter because after 12 minutes, the feeling shall pass. i'll shut myself up about pain again. i'll let things happen as to how i believe they would happen.

and then there was silence.

posted by anthonette || 3:29 PM