Saturday, October 20, 2007

expect the unexpected, a cliche.

last friday, we almost died.

we were in glorietta 2, happily feasting our eyes with mouth-watering delicacies we are to devour to totally consume the 580-pesos eat-all-you-can meal at saisaki, dad's and kamayan. we expected we would stay there all afternoon doing nothing but eating and chatting about anything and everything. it was 1.30 pm and moni and i just got back to our table when suddenly the ground shook. we ll thought it was just an earthquake and we even came back to eating our food. then suddenly, everyone was running to the exit a floor below where we stand. there was a stampede. i saw from my friends eyes the fear and panic felt by each and everyone. fearful that entertaining the frantic feeling might somehow worsen the situation, i tried to smile back and ignore what happened. victoriously, i was able to withdraw the tension inside me and my friends even thought i show no sign of being alarmed.

monica and i went back to the buffet table and grabbed desserts. when we got back to the table, lore and nina impatiently remarked that we got to go. the waiter has just asked us to pay for our bill and leave the premises. everyone was curious about what actually happened. the waiter then explained briefly that a bomb exploded and the heart of g2 where luk yuen was located exploded. i can't help feeling tensed. we are just 30 meters away from the explosion. without any more objections, we paid the bill and i even ignored my 120 change and hurriedly left. outside the restaurant, there was a thick smoke and you can barely see anyone or anything at all. everything was in chaos and everyone were already outside, on the grounds, while waiting for news.

immediately, we ran, away from the mall, form the event, from everyone. we ran to the philippine stock exchange building. with a relief that we are most likely safe, we even managed t laugh at our experience. it was definitely unforgettable.

later that day, i watched the news and continued waiting for information today. at this moment 9 died, 119 casualties were estimated and it is still increasing. just realized how short life is. and how lucky i am to be there but not actually lose my life or make myself harmed.

it is true that it takes years, even decades to build life but it takes just a blink of an eye to lose one.

******************

i was shocked when i saw that i actually posted something for my blog at 10:21 pm. knowing that i was already so absorbed with mmk during that time. it made me think that maybe i have unconsciously typed my blog or what. basta my thoughts have gone weird again.

when i read the post, i knew it was not of my making. but it was meant for me. (and somehow i figured out how it ended there but I'm gonna cut to the chase for everyone's sake)

what i felt after seeing this? i am not sure. i just know that my heart thumped faster and i felt weak and tired again like i did when i posted the blog about "apathy."

maybe it was guilt that actually with all the things that have happened i was not a victim. but i am the vicious antagonist that ruined everyone's lives and even my own.

guess it's time to be honest.

for so many times i admit, i resorted to escaping, forgetting and giving no regard to anything that have happened. i have always thought that maybe my silence would kill all the drama and everything would be done, everything would be gone. for a moment, i was victorious. my studies kept my mind from everything and all my weariness was diverted to efforts for my academic struggles. but they were right i can never escape from it. i am a coward. in the first place i was the one who triggered the feud.

i was hurt by my own making. i was hurt because i hurt them all. if i feel sad and tormented, it is not because someone hurt me but because i knew deep inside every chaos, all came from me. i did it. and i know everything i did was wrong.

to all that i have hurt, i am truly sorry.

i know it is not enough but it is all that i can say. i am really sorry.

to her, for hurting her for what happened. for my fickle mindedness and intrusion.

to him, for hurting him with all the things i have said and for leaving him and treating him like a stranger. i am sorry if i just wanted to live my life alone, without you and for not returning every ounce of affection you have rendered for me. i just want to move forward, by myself.

and to them, for hiding from them through my busy schedules and my books. i know well that i cannot bring everything back to the way it is before, before everything else happened. i was not a good friend and i don't blame you if you despise me. i can accept the consequence of what i did. it will hurt but then i knew i deserve it. i am really sorry and thanks for everything. it's all up to you na. and i am just really sorry to keep you waiting.

i am sorry if 'sorry' is just all i can say. but i just want you to know that i meant it.

posted by anthonette || 10:55 AM