illusions. dreams. reverie. candy castles.

Monday, January 14, 2008

stupid titanic and coffee prince hang-over

i know i am becoming neurotic. which is due to three reasons-- first, i haven't slept for a day and my longest sleep would be 20 minutes plus some sneaky naps during my histo exam. second, i feel so frustrated about myself that i crammed everytime there's an exam the next day and third, oh gawd. i just can't stop thinking about him.

i thought i just killed every ounce of feeling. i knew i did! i accepted it already but it all came back the same time he inched his way to me. (and take note it was only an inch) my mind became alive like i was liberated from the confines of hurt. it was five minutes. five leg-turning-jelly, heart-pounding and nerve-racking minutes! and every ounce of defiance i thought i have mustered, went down the drain.

i know i have to be fair to you. you don't deserve to be loathed if all you've done was to show you still cared. but you left me hoping again. a kind of hope that i thought i put off eons ago. but with just one spark it went burning again.

guess i have to hate myself for that.

the disparity between fantasies and reality is too obscured that sometimes we fail to wake up when we are just merely dreaming. And when we wake up, we'll just end up wishing we could sleep again.

you were still the same old funny you. my spite was overthrown. and your buoyancy lifted my spirits, preventing me from saying all those witty pity-you-loser statements i have just reserved for you. and what did pathetic me say? really?! i am so happy for you! which were all soo out of the plan. i wanted to be that witty girl you'll never beat, that complacent girl who can make you kneel down before her. but before you have even approached me, i knelt down already to you.

and the more pathetic thing is, i am waiting for you right now.

prince charming will never come. because if he would, there are millions and millions of cinderella's who are all struggling to take him.

i live by false hopes and false pretenses. i keep convincing myself that i can detach muyself anytime from this situation. i always tell myself that i can get over it and carry on like the happy and simple person i used to be. but i can't stop it if part of me wants to hope that maybe there's a point in this. that maybe you really meant what you said. that maybe it was something real.

i have to stop hoping if i still want to be sane.

to err is human, to love.. is to err.

posted by anthonette || 4:08 PM