illusions. dreams. reverie. candy castles.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

i just NEED to let it off my chest. TOTALLY

honestly. i don't know where to start.

ewan ko ba. pero simpleng tao lang ako. when i first stepped into college i never pictured myself aiming higher than makapass (or kahit above average) sa acads or magparticipate sa whatever org. yun lang. simpleng tao lang ako. masaya na ako to socialize and feel useful to anyone. i never thought of doing something greater than that.

but in the recent turn of events, parang nabibigla na lang ako with the gigantic leaps i am to take. i don't really understand. first, i want it rin naman. i never wanted the title, really but the job, the purpose, the catch na "externals", that's what got me into this. gusto ko lang talaga to open myself up to greater possibilities. possibilities na kahit sa ibang mundo ko pa siya maranasan, i would still be close to where i am at right now. to the people where i belong. i want to do the job, really. to organize events that i surely won't do na by the time that i leave college. i want to speak in front of a crowd and make them listen. i want to meet different people. know them. know their stories. and even share my stories to them. alam mo yun, in the first place, i never wanted to be given any title. i just want to know people and find out how i can touch their lives or somehow help them be..happy. gets?

alam ko some people would say i am being "politician"-ish, pero the thing is, wala akong gusto but to serve, to serve na hindi ko kelangan magpretend that i know everything or that i am good at everything. gusto ko parang kabarkada lang lahat. the feeling that i dont have to impress anyone pero i get to do wonderful things for them. the feeling na i could help.

the problem is, di nila ako masyado kilala. and un na nga un e. how many more of us, like me, ang hindi nila kilala na actually willing to push themselves to help?

honestly, di ko nga naisip ito as stepping stone to med e. i didn't really want to plan my career to use it for med life! pero things happen.

thankful naman ako to those who believe na i could do this. to those na willing ako tulungan no matter what. to those na kahit paulit-ulit na ako and feeling ko sirang plaka na ako, go pa rin and they listen. to those na kahit sure na sila e sige pa rin ang encourage sakin. and to those na nagsabi na no matter what they'll always be here.

pero i was thinking din, kung simple lang talaga ang gusto ko, why am i letting this bother me bigtime?

siguro nga. i wanted that job rin talaga. pero i am still apathetic of the title, really. siguro nga concerned talaga ako na with this gigantic leap, i can make myself be heard. na may isang nhet na kaya naman kahit from scratch siya.

and i was thinking rin, if matalo man talaga ako, of course it'll hurt like hell. pero at least in the process diba i'd get to see who my true frinds really are and how willing are they to go with me through this risk. siguro matagal before i accept it. pero alam ko darating ang time that i would get better things. better openings. better possibilities.

hay. i don't know anymore!

posted by anthonette || 6:10 PM